Let Go of the How to Find the Why - Part 2
Third Alternatives almost always exist, even when it looks like there are just two options and each of you can stand only one of them. And to discover them, you let go of the how to find the why.
For example, think of Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages.
One thrives on Quality Time together, especially time spent in meaningful, soul-revealing conversation. When they first met, there was quite a bit of this as they revealed themselves to each other. Now it's stopped. One craves it. The other has nothing to say.
One says she craves it because she's home alone with the kids and had few adult conversations, but when asked if spending more time alone with friends would satisfy her, she knows it won't. Deep down, at a level she cannot reason with, this sort of conversation makes her feel loved and she feels unloved without it.
The other has nothing to say. Why? Because processing his own day-to-day feelings takes a lot of unfamiliar effort with no apparent payoff. And listening to her feelings makes him feel rather helpless. How do you fix a bad feeling? And now she wants to talk about her bad feelings about him not fixing her bad feelings? No thanks. Whether or not she feels loved when he does this, he feels loving only when he's doing something helpful for her, the Acts of Service Love Language.
What Third Alternatives are available for them? What will give her the satisfaction of connecting with him in deep conversation and let him feel competent, helpful, and valued?
- Start their own private book club and discuss the ideas of the great philosophers or of today's political and social reformers.
- Find and make time for friends who will work through her thoughts about her personal feelings with her, so they are not so near the surface when the two of them talk.
- Get him into an Active Listening course, so he can learn to be helpful to her by asking good questions.
- Schedule time for Quality Time together, including conversations, so she's not trying to start conversations when his mind is elsewhere.
- Mix conversations with things that say love to him, like watching her prepare his favorite meal or helping her with the heavy lifting in her garden.
- Have conversations by email or online chat if he finds these more comfortable and she can still appreciate the one-on-one time this way.
What do you think? If you and your mate share this difference, would any of these work for you? Have you found your own Third Alternative that both of you can enjoy?
Comments
Marvelous post! Our lives are one meeting after another - with each other. And I say this in the most positive sense. Every morning is a long walk followed by coffee at a cafe where we "catch up". Practicing conversation each day has made it easy and fun and I am a quiet person. Delightfully, these meetings helped us discover that we had far more in common than we even thought.
Posted by: cj renzi | October 2, 2012 12:58 PM
I love this, CJ! Thank you for sharing it with us.
Posted by: Patty Newbold
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October 2, 2012 1:35 PM
Not only would they, but they do! My husband recently asked me to sew a speaker cover for him. He laid out the fabric and I helped him measure the various pieces. Then as I sewed, he sat at the table with a stack of magazines/catalogs and just "hung out" with me, chatting, as I sewed. It made ALL the difference in the world that I wasn't downstairs sewing alone while he watched a movie in his office upstairs!
I'm also just realizing that when I cook for him, he actually LIKES to help; he just needs to know what he can do that I find helpful. So asking him to get ingredients from the garage pantry or high shelf allows him the pleasure of performing an act of service (which is his love language, not mine.)
Posted by: Cheri Gregory | October 2, 2012 7:49 PM
love this:
"The other has nothing to say. Why? Because processing his own day-to-day feelings takes a lot of unfamiliar effort with no apparent payoff. And listening to her feelings makes him feel rather helpless. How do you fix a bad feeling? And now she wants to talk about her bad feelings about him not fixing her bad feelings? No thanks. Whether or not she feels loved when he does this, he feels loving only when he's doing something helpful for her, the Acts of Service Love Language."
from Love and Respect's course, women tend to feel better when they have emotional release, but how do you fix a bad feeling? So, the wife has had no emotional release all day, the husband comes home, and it all gets dumped on him. She feels better, and now he's depressed and feels utterly useless because although she feel's better, the problem's (which may or may not be actual marriage problems) aren't actually solved. (useless=inadequate), and men would rather be alone and unloved than disrepected and inadequate (in general). it would be true to say that I feel most like I'm being loving when I'm being most helpful. and if I'm not being helpful for something (that isn't a marriage problem, but a problem that is starting to interfere w/ the marriage), then I feel inadequate. suddenly everyone feels bad all around.
anyway, i loved the "no thanks" part to the original line... seemed to strike a chord w/ me :)
Posted by: Matt | October 2, 2012 10:38 PM