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Is It Too Much to Ask to Stay Married Until the Kids are Grown?

Let me tell you what my answer to this question was. I believed it was too much to ask. I was married to a good man and a great father, but I felt angry, overworked, stressed out all the time. It definitely felt like too much to ask.

I would do whatever it took to make it easier on our son. I even used my experience with unhappily married parents to convince myself divorce was the better of his options.

This miserable existence vs. life as a single mom with shared custody? Bad choices, but I knew which one I wanted.

It's not what I got. My husband had been ill for a long time with a serious, chronic disease. Sick enough to require multiple hospitalizations and a few surgeries. Sick enough to be getting IV feedings twelve hours a day at home. But well enough to teach his classes at the university during the other twelve. Or so I, my husband, and his doctor thought. We were wrong. I came home from work and found him dead. He died the day after after I suggested shared custody. Our son was visiting friends 1,200 miles away.

I really thought I wanted out. I was filled with resentments, overwhelmed with responsibilities, and tired all the time. Now I was out, and I owned our new house and all our other assets. Social Security provided a lot more child support than most non-custodial fathers do. I don't know what I thought divorce would be like, but this had to be better, no? And it was awful. Our son was still safely in the care of good family friends, enjoying the beach, but already it was overwhelming. Stressful beyond belief. And scary.

And then morning came, my first as a widow. I woke up and recalled the list of unmet needs that had led me to believe it was too much to ask to stay married until the kid was grown. And now I knew there is no right answer to this question. And it hurt.

Getting unmarried does not get your needs met. Your needs are your own, whether you are married or not, and you deal with them or not. Getting unmarried does not make things more fair. It just takes away the source of help that deludes you into thinking you deserve less of a burden than an unmarried parent. Getting unmarried does not make you feel any less unloved or unappreciated. It only accentuates these feelings.

And that is when I cried even harder than I had when I discovered the lifeless body of the man I still hoped would once again love me the way he did when we were college students newly in love. I cried because my stories of unfair treatment, needs a husband should have paid attention to, and burdens I did not deserve washed away like a sandcastle at the ocean's edge. What they left behind was a solid core of evidence that the love was still there but his responsibilities and challenges, like mine, had grown a lot since then.

No one should stay married. Stay implies more of the same. Unless it's great, who would want more of that? Our kids don't want us to stay that way. And they don't want us to divorce. They want us to love, respect, honor, and cherish their other parent, and not just until they are grown but until their children's children are grown. For most of us, except those with violent or out-of-control mates, this is what we want, too. We want to feel in love again. We want to look at our husband or wife and feel as impressed and honored as we did when they first chose us. And we want the daily overwhelm of our lives to be replaced with happy moments in the arms of such a person.

Without anyone else to blame for not shouldering the rest of the load, I learned to let go of a lot of the load. I stopped cooking and served TV dinners for a year. I put in a lot more effort at work and used the extra income to pay people to do chores I don't enjoy doing or cannot do well. I said no to extra work that would not produce extra income. I took piano lessons because several people told me it's calming to play. (Perhaps, but it's not so calming to hear the piano the way I could play it.) I got rid of my long daily commute.

My widow status made me brave. I said no to a lot of things, including bureaucratic annoyances and those tasks my friend Rachel calls vanity items, the ones you do just to look good. When I tried to put our son in Cub Scouts, they told me they had too few leaders for all the boys applying, but if I would lead his den, I could make any rules I liked about how much of the work the other parents had to do. They even suggested I require a parent be present at every meeting because of the numbers of two-career couples who show up late to pick up their boys. So I did, and we did a lot together as families.

And I did it all willingly, on top of my very busy work and house schedule, because it was my choice. In the past, I would have felt put out if my husband did not choose to do it. I would have listed all the other things on my schedule, paying attention to the wrong things instead of the right one: I felt it was important. I was surely not the best person for the job, but it mattered to me, so I did it. And I skipped some other tasks that were less important to me. And I told anyone with a story about why they could not lead two meetings a year and bring refreshments to two more meetings, and stick around while their kids got to be Cub Scouts to find another den for their son.

And what I learned was how to be married without being miserable. Do what's important. Make time for what de-stresses you. Stop doing what's making you miserable. If you don't like a chore, do something you like better and use the money or favors it earns you to give the chore to someone else. Because your relationship with your spouse is for love, and every chore or expectation or "it's only fair" you throw at it pours sand over that love and hides it until your big wave comes in.

Don't stay for the kids. Pour some water over this big, unhappy sand castle you've built and start over. See if maybe it's possible to love, respect, honor, and cherish your wife or husband or life partner again. If the kids make it worth taking a shot at this, you are very lucky to be a parent.

Comments

Thank you so much for continuing to share your story. Your experience has so much to teach the rest of us, and your example shows us what can be done if we are willing to make the effort.

Thank you, Rosemary!

Wow, Patty! This detailed story of your experience and your analogy of pouring water over the unhappy sand castle in order to start over really drives your point home.

Your heartfelt words keep me on track to assume love in my marriage. It is often not easy for me to assume love. Sometimes it is hard work! Old habits die hard, I guess.

I read every word in your posts. The posts that especially speak to me? I read them twice, sometimes three times. I often pick one out of your archives that was meaningful to me in the past and read it yet another time to help me in remembering to assume love.

I am a married mom, solo parent and there were times I wondered if it would be easier being single again. The burden of doing it all anyway, but still having to keep hubby in mind and involved seemed unfair and so hard, especially when he wouldn't give me clear answers or would be upset and unwilling to talk. When he started looking at porn and stopped making love to me, I wondered why I even bother and I must not be worth it to him. At least if I was single, I could do things my way! Thankfully, that was short lived and when I get my senses back I realize that I love him and I don't want to be unmarried, warts and all! The grass isn't greener.

He works a dangerous job and widowhood is a real possibility for me. I have made plans of how I would live without him, what I would do, what I would sell, change, etc. But I don't know how I'd cope. It is hard enough coping with him gone for work.

I would like a do over. When he is done with this portion of his job and can come home, I want a do over....some sort of wedding/anniversary ceremony to symbolize what we went through, came out of, and that we plan on continuing stronger than ever.

Oh my, does this hit me right in the gut. I have been having so many of those same feelings. I don't want my kids to be going back and forth but I am having trouble looking at the rest of my life being the way it is now. I think I need to make some better choices about the way I see things and the choices I make as a result. Thanks for sharing this.

I would LOVE to help you create the marriage you need. Please feel free to post questions here (where they will help others) or to send them to me by email (patty at assumelove.com), where I will reply and use your situation anonymously in one of my future blog posts.

Lilian, thank you for your kind words.

Patty, how do I write to you for advice, I can't find anywhere to post my story, I am very inspiried by you... please let me know how I can connect thanks!:)

Email me. Just put patty in front of the @ and assumelove.com after it. I am happy to help anyone if I can use your story (anonymously, if you like) in my writing.

I felt like this article hit a little close to home. It was a reminder to choose to love my husband. My conflict comes with the fact that letting go of some chores makes my husband more angry, even though it makes time for what I need to do renew.

CR, your husband may not realize how much less resentment you will offer up if you do fewer chores. It might take a week or two to realize the benefits. But you can also join forces to find new ways to deal with the chores. Paper plates work wonders while trying to finish a dissertation or launch a new business. Barter can get your clothes washed, dried, and folded in return for making double of whatever you're cooking for dinner. Vacuuming can be done to your exercise tape at the right time of day.

Thanks for the advice, Patty. I'm actually trying to do less chores by getting more help -- having my husband and son set the table or clear it, or help with some of the preparations, as family time that's helpful for my son (and me!).

What really struck me this week is what I read about over half the problems in a marriage are not solvable. Believe it or not, that's really helped.

I've treated his deep anger at something so generalized as a problem I can fix. And it's not. Understanding that has helped me relax and rely on God.

Notwithstanding, I can try to improve on the housekeeping, but I'm not going to suddenly change into Martha Stewart.

And I'm always glad to work on a specific issue if he brings up a specific issue.

Thanks for the work you do!

Thanks, CR. Maybe you'll be able to hire your own Martha some day.

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Patty Newbold is a widow who got it right the second time...

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