Assume Love: Got an Unhappy Spouse?

I have noticed a lot of marriage advice for unhappy couples encourages them to reduce each other's unhappiness. Personally, I never found this model very helpful.

There is a time for helping reduce your spouse's unhappiness, but it's not while you're seeing him or her as the cause of your own unhappiness. It's when you're happy. It's when love frees up your generosity and kindness and delights in doing whatever you can for the wonderful person you married.

That happiness is within your reach. In fact, while your spouse could help you become less unhappy, happiness is something you can only give yourself. But that's not the subject of today's post. This one is about what you can do, once you rediscover the happiness in your relationship, to reduce your mate's unhappiness.

Look for reasons to be grateful to have this man or woman in your life. Try to find at least three new ones every day.

Express your gratitude often and in as many ways as you can come up with: love letters, favorite foods, thank you gifts, small favors, public declarations, notes to be found unexpectedly, welcome home kisses with a thank you for whatever happened while you were apart.

When you cannot or will not do what your spouse asks of you, instead of "no," say, "Tell me more about what you're looking for, and not just how to get there. I want you to have it, and I am willing to help come up with a better way to get there."

Set aside time in your day for being present with your spouse, even when he or she is not necessarily ready to be present with you. Turn off your phone and email. Put down whatever you are reading. Turn off the TV. If your spouse is willing to talk, listen actively and reflect back what you are learning about what your mate feels or believes, whether you agree with it or not. Just feeling understood makes a huge difference. If he or she is willing to have sex, take your time and give it your full attention. Or cook a meal together, take a walk together, or play a game of tennis.

Don't walk away from a complaint or a jab. Try something like, "Thanks for being married to me in spite of my shortcomings. What else could I do to make our relationship better?"

When your spouse has good news, respond positively ("that's wonderful!" or "fantastic") and constructively ("what a great reward for your hard work on the project" or "sounds like your extraordinary social skills paid off again"). The way you handle good news is even more important than how sympathetic you are to bad news.

Watch that you do not expect anything in return. When you give to get, you don't give at all.

Nothing in return means this is not how you fix your marriage. It is how you celebrate it. If you are not yet ready to celebrate it, first Assume Love, Expect Love, and Find Third Alternatives every chance you get. That is how you enjoy being married.

Comments

Hi Patty - like most others I found your blog by googling whether to stay in a marriage for the sake of your kids. It is comforting to read other's posts and know I'm not alone. Your site has SO much info I'm asking for a little guidance finding the help I need. I am a 42 yo old wife and mother of 2 HS age children. I've been with my husband since I was 17 and we just "celebrated" our 17th wedding anniversary. The past 10 years have been rough. He has wanted to leave...I've cried and begged him to stay. He was the first and only real love of my life. He says he doesn't love me anymore. Can't stand to look at me. Isn't attracted to me. We have little options in the way of splitting up due to finances. Underneath all of his anger is really one message...I didn't love him enough. In my mind, I've loved him to death. Now even when we are just feet apart it might as well be miles seperating the two of us. Intamacy is gone and it is awkward to try and "create" it. We fight in front of the kids. He yells, I cry. Too many details to post. I simply want to know if there is hope if the other person really doesn't want to try. He refuses to go to counseling and now when I just try to have a conversation, he talks over me saying my words are nonsense. I'm not ready to give in or give up. I know I am not a happy person when I'm home. Is it really as easy as making myself happy first? He already claims I don't do enough for him and now any time I "escape" (which is rare) I'm accused of spending too much of my time with others. All I want is to be able to show love and receive it in return. Can it be too late? Thank you.

Posted by: Jennifer | August 28, 2012 1:49 PM

Jennifer, you don't mention whether there is any violence in your household. If so, ignore all of this and get real help putting an end to it before you do anything else.

I don't make offer any guarantees that dealing with your own happiness first will change your husband's heart, but it has a better chance than the course you're on.

When we work really hard at loving someone, it often backfires. We're doing what feels like an awful lot to us, and we keep going right to the point where we resent how little it's getting us in return. To a spouse who wants something other than what we're offering, all that's visible is the resentment. Nothing eats away at a relationship more than resentment does.

What I recommend is doing the reverse. Stop working at loving your spouse and start working at noticing every loving thing he does. Take nothing for granted. If you have a home you cannot afford to divvy up in a divorce, it means you're both contributing all that you can to it. That's a form of love. If you've been waiting for loving words, watch for loyalty or a helpful act or a smile. If you've been waiting to be held or made love to, watch for tiny gifts (as small as "want the last M&M?") or a willingness to spend time together. Add to the list at least once a day.

In your mind, you've loved him to death, but he hasn't felt loved. It's possible he's got a bottomless pit or he's a manipulative sociopath just using you, but it's much more likely different things feel loving to him than to you. Why not start with a clean slate. Tell him you're ready to learn how he wants to be loved. Ask him what you did in your dating days to make him feel you could be the one to love him, because whatever it was is something you know how to do, even if you didn't know it was anything special.

Then get to work on shortening your list of unmet needs. Download my 5-page eBook at http://www.enjoybeingmarried.com/main/ebooks/spring-cleaning-for-your-marriage/ for help with this.

Even if none of these work at all, you'll be in a much better place if you decide it's time to move on.

Posted by: Patty Newbold | August 28, 2012 6:55 PM