Falsely Accused by Your Spouse?
I learned this from a colleague long ago. It works remarkably well with clients, friends, and spouses.
Instead of arguing when you are falsely accused or when someone important to you is making a mountain out of a molehill, try saying something like this:
"I really value our relationship. What could I do that would make it right again?"
If you get stonewalled ("I can't imagine anything making things right again!"), ask what would make it a little better right now. Then ask again in a few hours or days, after you do what's asked of you.
You may be as surprised as I have been. The same imagination that blew an incident out of proportion or turned an innocent action into a suspect one can imagine the relationship being fine again with very little from you.
Comments
What a great way to turn the tables on an everyday 'one up game'. It's takes humility, but if offered in sincerity, changes the immediate mood. When I've been able to do this, it's like unloading our guns or something. Really cool.
Thanks Patty, great coaching to all of us out here wanting to recognise the love we now have daily, and live in blindly without cherishing.
Carpe Diem
Jon Eric
Posted by: Jon Eric | June 8, 2012 11:45 PM
Thanks, Jon Eric!
Posted by: Patty Newbold
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June 9, 2012 11:12 PM
I suppose it depends on why you are being falsely accused.
I experienced this sort of thing with my ex-wife. Falsely accused of being controlling, to throw me off the track of her affair.
Well, unless it's controlling to expect that your wife live up to her vows and promises, the charge of being controlling really didn't stand up.
But I bought it at first. But when I didn't see any improvement in the relationship after going over my behavior, asking the sorts of questions you mention, I began to suspect something wasn't right.
I asked her what was her vision of an ideal marriage, and scaled it down to what would make things better right now.
All the time there was no answer. She just couldn't see it. It was because she was likely blinded by the affair.
So false accusations CAN (not saying they always are) the tool of those who want to manipulate or obfuscate.
Posted by: Tony | June 11, 2012 12:29 PM
Very true, Tony. False accusations can be used to manipulate you or hide some wrongdoing.
If you invite your spouse to tell you what would make the relationship close again and he or she asks too much or won't say, it may be time for some professional help.
Posted by: Patty Newbold
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June 13, 2012 12:22 AM
my wife and i got married one month later shes talking to another guy i got mad and told her to leave she went to this other guy in kentucky and sent me a protctive order she lied and said i was abusive and i raped her non of it was true i was hurt and really depressed 4 months went by and we talked for like two days and then she went all phsyco on me again and said she reported me for violating the order and said i had a warrant out for my arrest what can i do can i take her to court and sue
Posted by: michael leistra | September 6, 2012 11:40 AM
Mike, this is a question for a lawyer.
Posted by: Patty Newbold
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September 6, 2012 1:49 PM