There are three ways to ask for what you need from your husband or wife.

The first is the plain vanilla wafer approach. "It drives me nuts to open the kitchen cabinets and see that mess in there. Will you please clean them today?"

The second in the chocolate chunk granola with cranberries and macadamias approach. Who knows which part of the request to pay attention to? "My parents are coming next week, and the grass is so long that there are toys hiding out there and no one would want to sit on that patio, but there's not enough room to sit in the dining room because of your book-sorting project."

The method that works best is the Oreo approach. Start with something positive, make a related request, and end with some more of the good stuff. Here are two examples.

"You keep the kitchen counters so clean and orderly. I would love it if you could keep the spices inside the cabinets this clean and neat, too. I know some people don't care about stuff like this, but I am crazy proud of the way our kitchen looks when the cabinets are closed."

"Think my parents will notice what a great job you did on painting the back of the house? Do you have time to mow the grass before they come tomorrow? That would make it look even better, and then we can eat out on the patio and won't need to empty the dining room."

When your request is the creamy filling in the middle of the cookie, it confirms you appreciate your spouse's best qualities and hard work and would like more of his or her best.

"We have survived so much together, mostly thanks to your incredible ability to see a better future no matter how bad or final the present moment might look. Will you help me avoid sinking into depression over our current financial problems? I trust your visions even when I cannot yet believe them, and they help."

"You really look so sexy tonight with your hair like that. Would you like to try something new? I want you so much right now, and I think you will really like this."

"I can't forget how great it felt to have your support when I went back to school and go my degree. I would really like to write a book this year. Will you be my champion, my cheerleader, my shoulder to cry on one more time?"

"Will you please put on that super hero cape of yours and whisk this trash out to the curb before the truck gets here, while I stand here admiring how great your butt looks since you got back into bicycling?"

Almost everybody loves Oreos.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 2:16 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Valentine's Day has had a new and special meaning for me since 2006. It's the day I launched this blog and began offering hope of a happier marriage to anyone who wants it.

Today is our sixth anniversary together. Thanks for a great time and for all your marvelous stories of success at remaking your marriages.

It's also Valentine's Day, so I think that's all I will say for today. Find a way to feel your mate's love today. I will be doing the same.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

One of the most delicious things about being a wife is learning from spending so much time with someone whose strengths are different from mine. Here are three I have learned from my second husband, Ed:

1. In just 48 hours, the tomorrow I'm busy fearing today will be the yesterday I have no time to think about.
2. Multitasking is much less sexy and joy-producing than being focused on one thing, one person, one idea at a time.
3. Laughing silently is not nearly as healthy for me as laughing out loud.

What have you learned from your life partner?

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:43 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

I could use your help with a problem I have. I need to find someone to rent my timeshare week in Virginia Beach from August 18 through 25, 2012. I always love this week, but this year it conflicts with a family gathering elsewhere.

It's between Atlantic Avenue and the boardwalk, with large windows and a balcony facing the ocean. It includes a bedroom with a big, comfortable, king size bed, a living room with a sleeper sofa, and a fully equipped kitchen with a work island and a full-sized refrigerator. It's within walking distance of free concerts, boating, fishing, parasailing, and lots of restaurants. It includes an indoor pool, spa tub, exercise room, maid service, wifi, and free parking for one car. At $1,300, it saves a bunch off hotel prices in the same place, and the timeshare suites are nicer.

Do you know how to reach me for more info if you or a trusted friend might be interested? My email address is patty [at] assumelove.com. Or you can use the Enjoy Being Married contact form.

Thanks for allowing me this brief interruption. I hope you received my February Enjoy Being Married newsletter today. If not, you can get it immediately by adding your name to the Enjoy Being Married mailing list.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 5:07 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Today is Earned Income Tax Credit Awareness Day. The IRS estimates that between a fifth and a quarter of those eligible for it fail to claim it. This year, with many couples struggling in ways they have not in the past, the Administration for Children and Families has made an effort to get the word out.

From their press release:

Are you eligible to claim EITC for 2011 taxes?

• Must have earned income in 2011
• Must have a valid Social Security number
• Investment income limited to $3,150
• Generally, must be a U.S. citizen or resident alien all year
• Cannot use "married filing separate" filing status
• Cannot be a qualifying child of another person
• Cannot file Form 2555 or 2555-EZ (related to foreign earned income)

If you meet these rules, your earned income must also be less than...

• $13,660 ($18,740 if married filing jointly) with no qualifying children
• $36,052 ($41,132 if married filing jointly) with one qualifying child
• $40,964 ($46,044 if married filing jointly) with two qualifying children
• $43,998 ($49,078 if married filing jointly) with three or more qualifying children

You could be Eligible to Receive an EITC up to:

• $464 with no qualifying children
• $3,094 one qualifying child
• $5,112 two qualifying children
• $5,751 three qualifying children

Do you want help figuring out the EITC?

• Use the interactive EITC Assistant at www.irs.gov/eitc to show you if you qualify
• Call the IRS toll free at 1-800-TAX-1040
• Visit a Volunteer Income Tax Assistance site for FREE help and tax preparation, or see your tax preparer. To find the nearest site call: 1-800-906-9887

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:50 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

The model for flourishing as a person includes five elements, according to the Father of Positive Psychology, Martin Seligman:

• Positive emotions


• Engagement


• Relationships


• Meaning and purpose


• Accomplishments

"Don't visualize success. Visualize the steps you will take to succeed."

If your marriage is rocky right now, you may find your attention and efforts mistakenly centered on fixing your spouse. It is very difficult to fix someone, and his or her spouse is the worst person to do it. All of your attention to this fool's errand will keep you from accomplishing something remarkable and within your reach, like writing a book, learning a new skill, or launching a business.

Go for the accomplishment first. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting your spouse. It gives both of you your best shot at a happy marriage.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:31 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Continuing with Martin Seligman's take on positive psychology, we come to the fourth element in PERMA, meaning and purpose.

This is defined as being part of something bigger than oneself, something that will outlast you, something that affects more than just you. It is nice to share this with your spouse, but it is not necessary. You can pursue your own connections to something meaningful, knowing it is likely to add to your enjoyment of life.

For me, being part of the marriage education movement matters. I get great satisfaction from writing this blog and giving my Enjoy Being Married teleclasses.

Others get this from being part of a religious fellowship, volunteering to improve a school, building homes with Habitat for Humanity, campaigning for a politician with world-changing ideas, volunteering to rescue animals, or being an active part of a Gilbert & Sullivan Society. Others keep it closer to home and find meaning in raising children and providing them the best possible home.

Not sure where to find more meaning? Just watch for your biggest responses to upsetting news stories. If you cannot find a group working to help these folks, ask a librarian, use your search engine, or put #IdeaParty in a tweet on Twitter asking for ideas of where to find one.

When your mate is depressed or stressed or just disengaged, you still need meaning in your life. Do not lay the blame for not finding yours on your spouse's shoulders. Filling your life with meaning is important to flourishing, and your flourishing matters to the strength of your marriage.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:39 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Continuing our series on PERMA, Martin Seligman's model for flourishing, we look at Relationships, the third of the five sources of well-being: Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and purpose, and Accomplishment.

We need relationships. We crave them. When they go wrong, we swear we do not need them and will be better off without them. Yet most people who divorce will marry again. And most of us will spend a lifetime seeking or nurturing relationships with friends, children, parents, siblings, and that one special other person we want to share our lives with.

One of the ways to nurture this primary relationship is to take some of the strain off it by building other relationships. Here I do not mean competing relationships, the stuff of sexual affairs and emotional infidelity. Those are unhealthy relationships. We play act in them, using our violated marriage pledge as an excuse to withhold or exit at our convenience.

I mean friendships with people who have no claim on or interest in the parts of our lives pledged to our spouses. I mean cultivating friendships with those who love the literary discussions or tennis games you adore but your wife or husband does not. I mean the friends who appreciate being asked to advise you on things your spouse will not, so that he or she can remain your chief cheerleader.

When you get some of your needs met outside the marriage, it frees you to better appreciate all the rest that your spouse does for you. At the same time, it creates a life with more and stronger relationships, which is one of the main hallmarks of a happy person.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 1:36 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

As I mentioned yesterday, I would like to look at the latest model of human flourishing, PERMA, and what it means for how we can enjoy being married. According to Martin Seligman, wellbeing stems from five sources: Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and purpose, and Accomplishment (PERMA).

Yesterday, we looked at how to get more Positive emotion into our lives when our spouse cannot or will not do things with us, give us that massage or hug we crave, or say the words we long to hear.

Today, I want to focus on Engagement. This marvelous bit of flourishing has another name. Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi gave it the name Flow, that wonderful state of being where you are so intensely involved in something that you could not even say if you are happy or unhappy. When you are done, though, you know you enjoyed yourself, even in spite of any pain or danger involved.

Rock climbing, sailing, and white water rafting are great examples of flow-inducing activities. So are painting, sculpting, making music, and acting. Good sex leads to flow. So can cooking or dancing or solving a puzzle.

Nine things make an activity more likely to put us into flow:

1. At every step, our next goal is clear
2. Each action results in immediate feedback
3. The task calls for a slight stretch, just a tiny bit more skill than we currently possess, but not a lot more
4. We become aware of nothing beyond our current action
5. We cannot notice distractions
6. Failure, while possible, does not occupy our thoughts
7. Self-consciousness slips away
8. We easily lose track of time and find ourselves surprised when we stop how much has gone by
9. Over time, we come to engage in the activity for its own sake, rather than what it will gain us

Our recent discussion of online games comes to mind here. Many people go into flow while playing them. To a spouse who wants to engage them, the total involvement, the time that slips away, the loss of self-consciousness, and the inability to notice distractions may all come across as rejection.

When you choose your own flow activities, you might want to be sensitive to this. Choose the time and place accordingly. And don't expect your life partner to understand that you are oblivious to your rock climbing or sculpting partner, too. Avoid engaging in your flow activities with someone that will set off jealousy.

If you have no flow-inducing hobbies, start looking. Pay attention to times when you find yourself emerging from flow. One that most people recognize is the end of a long-distance drive, when you cannot remember the landmarks along the way and wonder how you made it home like that. Pay attention to those little urges to master a new skill. Learning a skill can often put you into flow.

Still stuck? Check out your Signature Character Strengths through the VIA Strengths Survey at AuthenticHappiness.org. Using them in new ways tends to result in flow.

If you share a strength with your distant husband or wife, it might be a great choice. As you experience the benefits of frequent engagement, he or she may be tempted to join you.

If not, remember you can increase your engagement in sex, too. If your environment offers too many distractions to block out, work on removing them. If your schedule conflicts with losing track of time, change your schedule. Stretch just beyond your current skill level in pursuit of greater pleasure for yourself or your mate. Become more aware of short-term goals and not just your end goal. Sex is a great place for shared flow.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:24 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Positive psychology researchers continue to study what we can do to lead more enjoyable lives. Martin Seligman tells us we flourish by adding Positive emotion, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and purpose, and Accomplishment (PERMA) to our lives.

I would like to look at these to learn how we can enjoy being married over the next few days.

Positive emotion comes from remembering our past, enjoying our present, and looking forward to our future. Philip Zimbardo tells us research reveals an optimal mix of these: a moderate amount of time seeking physical or mental pleasures in the present, a bit more looking forward to a positive future, and even more reliving the happiest parts of our past.

If you are currently striking out on enjoying the present with your husband or wife, thanks to his or her depression or work stress, what can you do? You probably already figured out one option. You can find others to have a good time with. Having a good time makes us a lot more approachable when our mate has a spare moment.

Zimbardo gives us another, one that holds us close to the person we married. We can relive special moments from our past or picture those in our future. Bring out the scrapbooks and photo albums or create a new keepsake: a printed book, a blog, or a video collage. The act of making it will improve your wellbeing and very likely strengthen your marriage bond. Some day, it may also become a treasured memento for your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:22 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

We're sporting another award today, this one a 2011 Hot Marriage Blog Award from The Generous Husband, a marriage blog with lots of good stuff for husbands. As you might guess, the author is married to the author of The Generous Wife. Together, Paul and Lori also write The Marriage Bed, with sex and intimacy tips for married Christians.

Paul writes:

Why Am I Just Finding this Great Blog Award: Assume Love

This is far from a new blog, but I only found it recently. Patty's first post (Feb 2006!) says "When you Assume Love, you give yourself the chance to receive more love by looking beyond your instantaneous, gut-level reactions to events. You pay attention to what you know to be true. You stop yourself from jumping to conclusions. You do this for you, so that you don't miss any love being offered to you." I've been reading bits of her story and her blog, and am looking forward to sharing it here in the future.

I hope you will check out Paul and Lori's blogs, as well as the others that won 2011 Hot Marriage Blog Awards.

Paul, thank you for swelling my head and, even more, for honoring the many people whose visits to this site or opened emails and RSS feeds from here tell me month after month that I should keep writing about this stuff.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:39 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I love that jingle: "What would you do for a Klondike bar?"

As kids, we did all sorts of crazy things for the smallest of prizes. Better yet, we challenged each other to do things for a prize.

Play is how children build the skills they need to survive life's scarier moments. Play feels like fun to make sure they will engage in it.

As a couple, we need to play together, too. It builds the cooperation skills we need to become so much stronger together than separately when we need strength.

What's your Klondike bar? What prize will you play for? Tell your mate. Then challenge him or her to try something new for a Klondike bar. Play matters at every age.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:03 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

I want to take a moment today to thank you for reading Assume Love. It has been a great year, with a big increase in the number of posts per month and another Top Ten award from Stupendous Marriage.

Wishing you and your marriage a wonderful 2012, full of shared moments, intimate communication, and gratitude for all the love you receive.

Lots of love,
Patty Newbold

Posted by Patty Newbold at 6:04 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Lori, who writes the marvelous blog called The Generous Wife, has given Assume Love one of her 2011 Grow Your Marriage Awards, specifically this one:

For Reminding Us All to "Get Over Yourself" ~ this blog regularly challenges me, it's a very good mirror.

Handsome little badge, don't you think? And a great reminder to me to get over myself in my marriage.

If you are a fan of Assume Love, I hope you will join me in thanking Lori on her blog.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:44 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

At the suggestion of a wonderful, caring reader, I added a new link to Assume Love this past weekend. Now you can receive Assume Love by email.

Remember to watch for the confirmation email. If it shows up in your Junk folder, mark it as from an address you want to receive email from. Then be sure to click on the confirmation link in the email, so we know it was really you who entered your email address in the form. Your free subscription begins immediately.

If you have other suggestions for improving Assume Love, please let me know.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:52 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Want to be a better person or have a better marriage in 2012? Some fascinating research may help you succeed. It sounds too simple to be true, but several studies have come to this same conclusion: it works!

Think about what usually gets in the way of what you resolve to do. Now write down some very specific if-then solutions to these distractions. For example,

• If we have not had sex for four days running, then at noon I will start preparing myself to feel, look, smell, and act sexy tonight.


• If my husband encourages me to eat something that will sabotage my weight loss plans, then I will say to him, "I appreciate your efforts to increase my enjoyment, and tonight I want to enjoy it vicariously, so please make it sound yummy as you eat it."


• If I feel myself getting upset by my wife's harsh words, then I will Assume Love right away and see if there might be a loving explanation for them that will let them roll right off me.


• When I pass the VFW hall on my way home, then I will begin thinking of ways to make a positive, upbeat, loving entrance when I get home, instead of crashing first.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:46 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

I know some of you are celebrating Christmas today (me, too!) and some of you are not. I am so grateful for every single one of you, whatever you are doing with this day. Thank you for reading what I have to say about marriage. Thank you for giving me the chance to just maybe bring some extra depth or delight to your marriage.

No snow this year, just a cold, sunny day. Like yesterday, when I spent three hours in the car singing along with radio Christmas carols (thanks, Philly's 92.5 XTU and NJ 101.5!). Join in if Jingle Bells is your thing, too.

I was on my way to the cemetery where husband #1 is buried and back home again to dinner with husband #2, renewed by the reminder of all I promised myself 25 years ago.

There is no time for resentment, no time to waste trying to change someone when we could be loving who they are and receiving all they have to offer us.

Merry Christmas and Happy Rest of Your Marriage!

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:30 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

It's not a Christmas tradition, not a Chanukah tradition, if you are the only one looking forward to it. Why not retire the worn out ones this year and try something new?

If everyone looks forward to the new one next December, keep it. If not, keep experimenting.

The great traditions are the ones that build excitement in advance and memories to savor after the holiday has passed, and there is no way to predict which ones will have meaning for you and yours.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:15 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

The news media love to declare the end of marriage. Yes, lots more of the over-18 crowd were married back in 1970. Now it is 51% (counting only opposite-sex marriages, per the federal definition of marriage).

Should you feel less in the mainstream if you are married? Hardly.

Thirty seven percent of Americans over the age of 18 have been married to the same person for at least the last 10 years. Another fourteen percent married within the past ten years and remain married.

Who is not married? The young.

Three times as many of the over-18 crowd are in college now as in 1970. The result? Now, instead of 42% of first-time brides marrying before their 20th birthday, only 7% do. This is good, because the under-20 marriages were less stable. Women marry about six years later now, and men have always married later than women, but we still use the 18-and-up or sometimes 15-and-up population to divide by.

Who else is not married? Those who outlive their spouses.

For every 10 marriages that end in divorce each year now, 12 end as promised, leaving behind a widow or widower.

Is marriage finished? Not yet.

Three out of every ten new marriages are second, third, or greater marriages, suggesting a lot of those who divorce or outlive their partners still have confidence in marriage.

I do, too.

Data Source: www.census.gov/prod/2011pubs/acs-13.pdf

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:16 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I had this odd idea last night about marriages and pepper mills. Here are three ways your marriage is like a pepper mill:

1. It is always there, easy to take for granted. Our pepper mill sits right next to our salt shaker on our table. We forget how valuable it is. Pepper is so valuable that it spurred development of the Silk Road and world exploration in the late 1400s. It could be used for ransom or as collateral in Europe. We expect our pepper mill and our marriage will always be there when we need them. Either could vanish today. Appreciate them while you can.


2. It adds something to almost everything. We grab for the pepper mill all the time, adding flavor whenever we need it, hardly noticing why people risked their lives to get this stuff. We share chores, back each other up on making an income and raising children. We drive each other to and from the emergency room. We buy homes together. We have sex when we want it and vacation together, adding something to so many different aspects of our lives.


3. It is simple to operate, but it takes a bit of effort. To get the pepper, you need to turn the crank. A happy marriage is not difficult to achieve, but if you rely on your initial loving feelings to make it work, nothing happens. You have to turn the crank.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:47 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I am looking out my window at a dreary day. The rain has stopped for a bit, but the sun is still hiding. More rain, with flash flood warnings, will arrive very soon.
It is easy to feel sad right now. It is also easy to feel warmly loved. And it is my choice. Here are five ways I (and you, if you choose) can switch moods on a day without sunshine.

1. See the good behind the bad. Dreary days are less frequent here than where I last lived. And the only reason I moved here, the only reason I know Doylestown exists, is because I fell in love with this man I am married to. All those extra gorgeous days I owe to his love for me.


2. Count those blessings. Yesterday, my husband saved me a lot of time with one quick answer to a technical question. When I described a second, bigger problem, he put it on his reminders list to look online for possible solutions today. And when I woke up this morning, there was a freshly baked biscuit awaiting me.


3. Look for love. I stopped typing and touched his arm when he entered the office, and he took my hand. I stopped to enjoy it for a bit. Then he kissed my head and was gone.


4. Pay closer attention to seemingly irrelevant clues. I received a nice discount coupon by email from a restaurant in town. I printed it, and it is sitting on my desk. It is a buy one entree get another free coupon. This made me think how nice it has been, for almost 15 years now, to have someone to dine with.


5. Do a Flashback. When we first got together, dining together was such a treat. He would take me to some wonderful restaurant, review the menu, then look into my eyes, hold both hands and tap his foot on the floor like a dog getting his belly scratched while smiling ear to ear. I loved this (still do, when he does it). However, back then we also needed a journal on the coffee table in which to record anything we agreed on, just to disperse the fear that we would always disagree on everything. We have come so far since then, and recalling the journey we have shared fills my heart with real warmth on this dreary day.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

A thousand thank yous to all who read this blog and especially to all who voted. We placed #4 this year in the Top Ten Marriage Blogs of 2011 competition. We placed ahead of some pretty incredible blogs, thanks to you!

Special thanks to Susan R, Cherie Travis, 365 Acts of Love, Barbara Sher, Andrea Reese, and Kimberly Stewart, who all left comments to let me know they voted.

If you have not done so yet, please go check out the other blogs. We all write about different things from different angles. There is so much to learn from all 48 nominees and especially the Top Ten.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Positive psychology researchers have shown that feeling and expressing gratitude are two sure ways to feel happier. If you got too tied up in food preparation, cleanup, or family squabbles to do much Thanksgiving on Thursday, you still have two days left before you head back to work on Monday. What about your spouse and your relationship do you give thanks for?

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:37 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

If you have a moment between now and Sunday, December 4th, please visit the Stupendous Marriage website and vote for this blog as your favorite during 2011.

The form is below the list of finalists. You must provide your email address, select your favorite from the drop-down list, and use the Send button to send your vote to Stu Gray. The ten annual winners are always widely shared with marriage educators around the US and the world.

You get just one vote, despite all the wonderful blogs in the list of finalists. I hope you will cast it for Assume Love.

And then go check out the other 47 finalists. You might discover some great new sources of support for 2012.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:02 AM | Permalink | Comments (12)

Wishing you, your partner in life, and your extended family a Thanksgiving full of fun, gratitude, and food.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 8:56 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Have you thought about this? How will you celebrate your 50th anniversary?

Because you will want it to be in a way that truly reflects who you are and who you became in each other's embrace.

And if you have a clue now what will endure, think what a great time you could have if you weave it into every single year of your marriage.

Who will you include in your 50th anniversary celebration? Will there be music? Dancing? A favorite food or drink? Will there be adventure? Or laughter? Or the beauty of nature?

Will your celebration be frugal or posh? Serene or wild? And what will you wear, assuming it's still legal, of course?

My first husband and I were planning ours when it suddenly occurred to us we had to get married first. As I'm sure you know, he passed away in 1986, but the plan was for May 2023 in whatever was the best amusement park in the US at the time. We hoped we would both still be able to enjoy a Wild Mouse ride, but we would settle for sharing a Ferris Wheel with our many guests.

I married again at age 50, so I may not ever see a 50th anniversary, but I hope you will post your plan for yours in the Comments.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:14 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Taking time to renew your relationship with each other makes it easier to remember why you married. Working Mother magazine asked me to suggest a few fun nights out for December, when many budgets are tight.

The December issue is on newsstands now, and the article is online. I would sure appreciate a Facebook Like or a Twitter tweet if you like any of the suggestions I gave them. Buttons for both are right in the online version of the article.

Other date nights that need not cost much:

• Pack some fresh, crusty bread, some cheese, and a container of soup and head out for some ice skating together. Lots of endorphins from the exercise, plus a romantic meal.


• Invite two or three couples who knew you while you were dating and have a pot luck dinner together. Send all the kids to one house with a babysitter while you gather at another. Remember the good times together. But no gripes or parent talk.


• Live near a city with a real downtown? Go see the holiday decorations together. To add some playfulness, make up bingo cards before you go with the words or designs you expect to find. Winner gets to kiss the loser in front of the next shop with a W in its name.


• If you have house guests coming for the holidays, make a plan in advance for a mini-getaway for the two of you. Right in the middle of it all, take off for a coffee shop and order something very wintery. Drink it almost nose to nose over a tiny table. Say thanks for all your mate has done for you this year.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:14 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

What do you remember most about when you first met your husband or wife? Other than the physical attraction, what impressed you?

Was it his or her zest for living? Integrity? A great sense of humor? That love of learning? His or her leadership skills? Or sense of responsibility for the poor or the environment or the members of his or her team?

Was it surprising creativity? Great kindness or generosity? An ability to get along with everyone and talk easily with anyone?

Did you admire bravery in the face of danger? Awe in the face of natural beauty or great art? Modesty or piety?

Were you taken aback by his or her gratitude? Spirituality? Efforts for justice? Self-control and discipline?

Or was it the ability to persevere until each goal was met? Great curiosity about things and experiences? His or her open-mindedness? Wisdom that came with different perspectives on problems? Or enduring optimism in spite of setbacks or obstacles?

Are your lives set up to allow your partner in life to continue amazing you with this ability? Are they set up to allow you to impress your mate with your own?

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:50 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Date nights can really help a couple with children or busy work schedules maintain the close and stimulating relationship of their dating days.

To get the most benefit from a date night, schedule it in advance and create souvenirs while you enjoy it. Both give you more opportunities to savor your time together. And savoring helps it compete better with your negative thoughts about your marriage when you are apart or at your wit's end.

Here are some ideas for geek date nights or date afternoons:

• The free-admission Udvar-Hazy Center near Washington's Dulles Airport.


• A concert or special show in a planetarium like the Adler in Chicago, Montgomery College, MD, University of Texas at Arlington, ECSU in Elizabeth City, NC, or the Sudekum in Nashville.


• Buy the latest video game you both agree on and play it for the first time together, in a luxury hotel room or an inexpensive fall timeshare rental overlooking an ocean.


• Spend an evening sharing your good thoughts for your spouse through the selection of video titles in your On Demand or Netflix menu.


• Use some free online smart phone app creation tool to build an app for just the two of you, with your photos and a way to send each other kudos or kisses. Then go walk the boardwalk or take a hike in the woods, so you can phone each other while you have more fun together.


• Cook a candlelight dinner for the two of you, starting with recipes from Cooking for Engineers. Can you borrow a pair of Bunsen burners or stick the candles in a pair of beakers?

Please share with us any unusual date nights that brought joy to you and your partner in life. If the Comments form is not visible below, click on the title of this post to go to a page where it will be displayed.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:45 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Help yourself to happier feelings. Tell your spouse about the positive events in your life. Accomplish a goal? Receive an award or promotion? Lose weight? Tell your spouse. Researcher Shelly Gable has found this pays off in increased well-being and a better mood.

You can take it to the next level and get greater well-being plus a more satisfying and stable relationship. How? Through active and constructive responses from your spouse.

That's active, not passive. No lame "uh-huh." No unenthusiastic "that's nice, honey." We're looking for a bit of enthusiasm and attention here.

And it's got to be constructive, not destructive. Changing the subject is destructive. So is pointing out there is a downside to this victory. Constructive is asking how your mate got the good news, how she or he felt at that moment. Constructive is listing the reasons why the good outcome was well-deserved and pointing out all the good things likely to follow from it.

How can you get such responses? Ask for them. Give them when your spouse has good news. Pay attention to your spouse's mood before you decide to share your good news. And don't downplay your own pleasure in your accomplishment or blessing.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 8:56 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

What an awesome responsibility, to become the parent of a child. When you have taken care of feeding them and protecting them from harm, you still want to give them all the love they need and all the advantages you can offer.

You teach them to walk, do homework with them, take them to soccer practice, pay for their SAT prep classes. You monitor their television time, show them how to hold a crayon, cook a dinner, and ride a bike.

But the most important thing you show them is how to be happily, respectfully, affectionately married. So, if baby massage class, violin lessons, rugby practice, and PTA keep you from spending needed time with your spouse, just say no.

It is truly the best advantage you can offer your kids.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:58 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Today, as I ate my salad for lunch, a couple was seated in the booth in front of me. Both were carrying way too many pounds, enough to make it difficult to walk.

The restaurant was the sort where every meal comes with enough calories for a family of four. Most of the food there is fried, covered with cheese, and accompanied by fries or a free dessert.

She ordered a salad. She was apparently dieting and ramping up her exercise levels for health reasons, and she wanted his encouragement and support. He was nearly silent, except for a few one-word answers. She kept trying. She tried through his cheese-topped chili, through his butter-grilled meat and cheese sandwich, through his mound of french fries, right through his free dessert.

Her timing was awful. I hope she did not leave the restaurant believing her husband does not care about her efforts to improve her health. More importantly, I hope she wanted the kudos she was asking for, not a change in his behavior. Her timing was bad for kudos and dreadful for a change.

Today's tip is this: if you want encouragement or a change in your husband's behavior that will make you happier, seek it when you can tap into his strengths, not when it will diminish his pleasure.

Her request for support in her self-moderation came across as criticism of his enjoyment of the meal. He could not share his enjoyment with her. She could not get the kudos she wanted, and she certainly could not convince him to join her in her health quest right in the middle of the meal he had chosen.

Does he do yardwork, swim, or play volleyball? She could look for feedback on her eating and exercising changes when he's fresh from doing something physical or when he's chosen grilled fish from a better menu.

Did she want to ask him to lose weight, too? She should just ask, directly. And do it while he's more inclined to find it a good idea he can commit to, like while he's changing out of a tight suit into something more comfortable or while they are planning a future event together, not while they are eating in calorie city.

Real encouragement makes a marriage stronger. Criticism makes it weaker. You will get better results if you seek encouragement when it will make both of you feel like better people.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 1:25 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Not many people have discovered the shortcut to see all 270 blog post titles with links to the articles. Just click on the Archives link right below the Top Ten Marriage Blogs of 2010 badge on the right side of every page on the blog. Or, if you are reading this on Facebook or in an RSS feed reader, use the link in this post.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 4:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Five ways to make Valentine's Day with your husband or wife better than ever:

1. Recognize that giving chocolates or other gifts may not feel like a loving act to your spouse. It may feel a lot more like a chore. If he or she does it anyway, it's because doing chores for you feels like a loving act. Make the chore easier. Let your mate know what delights you: fancy wrappings, high quality chocolates, anything with pecans in it, or something that won't make you ask next week, "Does this outfit make my butt look big?"
   


2. Come to terms with the awful truth that it's entirely possible to adore your wife or husband and not have a clue how to show it with words, even words written by someone at Hallmark. If you are married to a wordless wonder, write your own. Open up a beautiful blank card and start listing all the good times you two have spent together, all the gifts and kind acts you've received from your beloved, and all the physical delights you've experienced since last Valentine's Day.
   


3. Put your top strengths to work on your invitation to your guy or gal to be your Valentine this year. Not only will it be a great way to say I love you, but it will make you feel great, and this is the greatest way of all to say it. Love to learn? Learn something that matters to your spouse. Good leader? Organize your family or neighborhood friends to make February 14th a delight for her or him. Big time optimist? Take the time to write out a every delightful detail of a future scenario that would tickle you both and take the first step toward it. Great at persevering until you get that project out the door? Tackle one for your mate, due date 2/14.
   


4. If you prefer respect to romantic love, break the news to your wife or husband before the big day. All the commercial options for Valentine's Day focus on romantic love, and it's not likely to occur to your spouse that what you really want is to know you and your efforts are truly respected unless you say so. But wouldn't it be great to hear or read?
   


5. If you're dining out this Valentine's Day, prepare for it. Write a poem if you're any good at it. Put on your most alluring clothes. Do whatever you need to do to feel unrushed. Prepare in advance to talk about something other than the kids and your job or what's gone wrong in your home. If you're dieting, eat gently until then, so you need not say no to anything you both enjoy on this one night. And give some advance thought to making this dinner especially playful or romantic, whichever suits the two of you.

May your Valentine's Day be the best ever. Comments, Valentine's Day reports, and more unusual tips are most welcome.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:01 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Thank you, thank you, all you wonderful Assume Love readers, for voting this blog as one of the Top Ten Marriage Blogs of 2010. What a great honor. You are the best readers a gal could ask for. I will work hard to bring you even better content in 2011.

And a big thank you to Stu Gray, The Marry Blogger, for creating this top ten list to highlight all the wonderful free help available on the internet to married folks and those thinking of getting married. You are never alone in dealing with whatever comes up in your relationship. There is always someone who can help.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:06 AM | Permalink | Comments (8)

Assume Love is one of 45 finalists for the Marry Blogger Top 10 Marriage Blogs of 2010 list. Voting continues through December 14th.

While I hope your vote will go to Assume Love (#37 on the list), you may want to check out the rest of the finalists, too. Some of my other favorites include:

Project Happily Ever After, the story of Alisa Bowman, who was almost out the door when she found her way back and discovered what it takes to enjoy being married

Better Husbands and Fathers, with lots of tips from Eric for date nights and learning to be a great dad

The Power of Two, a wonderful accompaniment to Dr. Susan Heitler's great book on communication in marriage

And, of course, The Marry Blogger, Stu Gray's blog on how to have a stupendous marriage, which is not on the list because it's his list

My thanks to Stu for rounding up so many great blogs about marriage and to you for voting for Assume Love by December 14th, if you will be so kind.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Which of these would you most appreciate from your husband or wife?

• An hour-long massage


• A dreaded chore done for you


• A gift to use in one of your hobbies


• A very special date night together


• A heartfelt love letter or song

Posted by Patty Newbold at 7:48 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

Better communication seems to occur in less stressful marriages. But are you sure which one causes which?

Those couples who communicate better experience less stress (as measured by cortisol in their saliva) while discussing a difficult topic. But when you give randomly selected couples a squirt of oxytocin nasal spray in a relationship lab, they communicate better than the couples who don't receive it. They don't report feeling any less stressed, but their cortisol levels say they are, and that's what matter to the health of their heart and other organs.

So where can you get some of this oxytocin? You secrete it from your pituitary. It's the size of a pea and located at the base of your brain, but you don't need to stick a probe in your brain to tell it to start producing more.

When you feel a wave of warm, positive feelings, you will know you have found the switch. Alcohol is an off switch, substituting its own wave of warm, positive feelings for the one that helps communication. The on switches? Orgasm is an oxytocin releaser for both sexes. So is genital stimulation, even without orgasm. Stroking of the skin works well, too, and the more you produce, the more enjoyable touching gets.

So perhaps those happy couples who communicate so well are reaping the dual benefits of the language of touch. It's good for the heart.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:42 AM | Permalink | Add a Comment

"'Don't wait until your kids leave home to schedule quality time with your partner,' said UC Berkeley psychology professor Oliver John" in today's UC Berkeley News.

He and fellow researchers Ravenna Helson and Sara Gorchoff conducted interviews with 100 women starting when they were seniors at Mills College in 1958.

They might also have added, "Don't wait for Prince Charming."

[T]ypical of their generation...84 percent married before age 25 and 30 percent divorced by age 45. In some cases, the increased marital satisfaction they found later in life was due to finding more compatible partners after divorcing. Overall, however, the study found the marital satisfaction of women who stayed with the same partners increased significantly while the boost in contentment for those with new partners was not notable.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 5:09 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Here's a great quote from Jim Collins' book Good to Great that applies even more to marriages than to the businesses he writes about:

"Get involved in something that you care so much about that you want to make it the greatest it can possibly be, not because of what you will get, but just because it can be done."

What's your picture of greatness for your marriage?

Posted by Patty Newbold at 1:48 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Wishing a happy 80th anniversary today to Clyde and Marie Barnes, and thank to Salt Lake's Channle 5, KSL-TV, for letting us know what Marie says is the secret to their success.

"We just try to love what the other one does and do it together. If he suggests something, I try to go along with it. And if I suggest something, he seems to do the same."

Sounds to me like Marie listens to Clyde's suggestions as if he still loves her and wants the best for her, and vice versa. It's a great way to live.

KSL-TV adds

They also say you can't forget the second staple of a successful marriage: a sense of humor.

That's what Mark Gungor says, too. He's worth checking out. So is his Flag Page.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 4:23 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Don Imus says he's "apologized enough" for his sexist, racist comment about the Rutgers Womens Basketball team. How many husbands and wives have you heard say the same thing?

Imus will have apologized enough when the state of his relationship is acceptable to him. And he hasn't yet tried the step most likely to rebuild it.

A husband or wife is fortunate to have just one relationship to repair after a particularly hurtful act. Don Imus has many. Here's how he might go about mending those relationships instead of bitterly accepting their end.

Continue reading "I've Apologized Enough" »

Posted by Patty Newbold at 1:10 PM | Permalink | Comments (3) | TrackBacks (1)