If so, the series of posts that begins today may help.

One of the best guides is Gary Chapman's Five Love Languages. You can run down the list and see if what happened fits into any of them.

I watched this happen one night at the Yellow Rose Saloon, a country-western dance hall. I was out front, clearing the smoke from my lungs on a beautiful evening. A younger woman came out with tears in her eyes. She was soon followed by a young man I had seen there many times.

Apparently, he felt she had badly misinterpreted whatever he had done on the dance floor. But when he put his arms around her, she let out a scream and ran out into the unlit side parking lot. I asked him to stay put and hurried out to the lot myself.

Turns out his love language of physical touch is definitely not hers. In her childhood, hugs like his (a full-on bear hug) were the start of physical abuse. She had been seeking words of affirmation inside and hoping he would follow with some when she came outside. She hated his playful verbal teasing, because she needed to hear he loved her, admired her dancing, liked the effort she put into dressing up for him.

Were they hopelessly mismatched? Not at all. He could learn to resist the urge to comfort her with bear hugs and still make physical contact. She could learn to recognize his physical contact as a sign of love. She could learn to hear his teasing as a sign of one of his top character strengths, the strength of humor and playfulness. She could also come up with a signal to offer him when she needed him to stop and speak seriously with her. He could come up with one to signal her words were not enough and he needed to be held.

If you two have been life partners for a while, you know his or her Love Language: quality time together, gifts, acts of service, physical touch, or words of affirmation. As you try to explain an upsetting event, start by checking whether it involved your mate's love language or might have been a misdirected attempt at speaking yours.

More tomorrow, in Part 2 of this series on looking for loving explanations.

Let me share a few with you. Upset with shortcomings in modesty or authenticity? Look for how much optimism, energy, and enthusiasm for life your mate brings you.

Distressed by a lack of creativity or curiosity? Look for fairness and leadership in your husband or wife and how they enhance your life.

Wishing your guy or gal were more generous or nurturing? He or she might excel at learning or perspective and be a great help to you in solving problems or tackling new projects.

Distressed because your spouse does not share your awe and elevation in encountering nature or worshiping God? You might want to look at his or her ability to persevere through difficult circumstances to reach a goal or to keep to a schedule or a diet.

Spouses may also be brave, playful, forgiving, prudent, or open-minded. They may be great at nurturing loving relationships, being part of a team or community, or interacting socially with other people, too.

There are many character strengths, and each of them enhances our lives and makes the world a better place. Each of us embraces, hones, and relishes a few of them. As we do, we limit our opportunities to develop the others.

We can look for our mate's character strengths under the street lights of our own and come up empty-handed and critical. Or we can choose to turn and look beyond our own key strengths to see just how lucky we are to be married.

"The psychologists recommend against 'bank-account relationships,' in which you keep score of how often you get your way and how often you compromise."

They looked at the results of two types of commitment at the start of these 172 marriages:

• "I really like this relationship and want it to continue."


• "I'm committed to doing what it takes to make this relationship work."

From the UCLA press release:

"The second kind of commitment predicted lower divorce rates and slower rates of deterioration in the relationship."

The study was conducted at UCLA by Dominik Schoebi, Benjamin Karney, and Thomas Bradbury and reported in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology.

What they discovered really should not come as a big surprise. The second sort of commitment is a form of "if then" planning, which dramatically increases our success at any endeavor. In one of Peter Gollwitzer's earliest experiments, just forming a plan about when and where to start a difficult task like writing a paper for school increased completion success rates from 25% to 67%. Deciding in advance that if this relationship is in trouble, I will work to improve it, makes a big difference in whether it lasts.

If you keep an emotional bank account, and your spouse overdraws his or her account, what's your "then"? This might keep things fair, but will it get you what you really want?

Let me suggest some different if-thens for a happy marriage. If my husband's words upset me, I will Assume Love and try to explain how a loving intent could have led to those words or actions. If I am upset because my expectations are not met, I will check whether I really need the expectation or could simply Expect Love. If we disagree, I will offer to Find Third Alternatives.

It's between Atlantic Avenue and the boardwalk, with large windows and a balcony facing the ocean. It includes a bedroom with a big, comfortable, king size bed, a living room with a sleeper sofa, and a fully equipped kitchen with a work island and a full-sized refrigerator. It's within walking distance of free concerts, boating, fishing, parasailing, and lots of restaurants. It includes an indoor pool, spa tub, exercise room, maid service, wifi, and free parking for one car. At $1,300, it saves a bunch off hotel prices in the same place, and the timeshare suites are nicer.

Do you know how to reach me for more info if you or a trusted friend might be interested? My email address is patty [at] assumelove.com. Or you can use the Enjoy Being Married contact form.

Thanks for allowing me this brief interruption. I hope you received my February Enjoy Being Married newsletter today. If not, you can get it immediately by adding your name to the Enjoy Being Married mailing list.

First I wanted him to change. I wanted a fairer division of chores and responsibilities. I wanted more hugs and kisses. I wanted more understanding of my very stressful job and long commute. I wanted more communication. I wanted a partner for dance lessons. I wanted to get out more and do things. I wanted more for our son than just someone to read to him and cook him dinner.

When my husband wouldn't change and my resentment grew and grew, I wanted a divorce. An amicable divorce, of course, one that would not in any way harm our nine-year-old son. (Odd that I gave up believing in the Tooth Fairy long before I gave up believing you can reject a child's other parent and not hurt him. Or that I thought our son could not see I was already rejecting his father in so many ways.)

The day after those words came out of mouth, deeply hurting my husband of 13 years but not really surprising him, I got full custody and 100% of all our assets. And while I did not receive any child support payments, I did receive his life insurance.

I also received the biggest comeuppance of my life. (Do people still say comeuppance? It means a fate one deserved, karma, payback.)

My husband had been ill for a long time, but it was a chronic illness, seldom a fatal one. We had thought he was getting healthier, and he had said he was ready to start a new semester a week later, even if he did not feel very healthy. It was not to be. His body failed him. I had failed him, too.

I had held him responsible for my unhappiness and for not doing more to relieve my stress over my work, my commute, our son's schooling, and our crazy decision to have a home built for us after a cross-country move. I had appointed myself the one who decided what needed doing and how much of it was my fair share.

I had decided we could only do recreational and social things together, so I was bound by and resentful of his limited energy. I had limited my opportunities for hugs and kisses and sex to what was possible when he was not ill, instead of exploring what might work better for the two of us. I was still holding my you-owe-me token from when I worked full-time to put him through five years of grad school.

I had not ever been physically threatened or emotionally battered. I was unhappy about my marriage only because my expectations had not been met and I could not control the situation. And I have met so many of you in exactly the same situation. Maybe you are halfway out the door now. Maybe you are eying someone tempting who might meet some of your needs on the side. Maybe you are still in the nagging or whining phase. Wherever you are, I need to tell you this:

• Marriage is seldom fair, because there is no one, true list of tasks to divvy up. If you think you are doing too much, do less. If you are unhappy doing less, do not blame this on your mate. And definitely do not expect that divorcing will fix this.


• Marriage will never live up to your expectations, unless you bring to it just one expectation, that you will be loved, and drop all the rest. You will be shocked how much love you can receive if love is all you ask of your spouse. Expect Love.


• No matter how long you are married, you will never learn to read your spouse's mind. You will often feel hurt or anger when no offense was intended. Learn to Assume Love and take a second look. It will make you a happier person.


• When you disagree, do not sulk. Do not cave. Do not debate. Do not demand or pull out five-year-old IOUs. Find Third Alternatives. Life is amazing when you are lucky enough to share it with someone who can help you find even better ways of getting what you want from it.

And if you have kids, know that you don't need to choose between whatever harm divorce will do to them and whatever harm your current anger or depression is doing to them. People can and do fall back in love when they let go of their resentments by releasing expectations that have nothing to do with love.

A small shudder of annoyance went down Barb's spine. Luis never seemed to pay any attention to their budget. And he never, ever called any of the sitters himself, even though Barb had entered all of their numbers into his cell phone.

Barb said, "I would much rather we put the price of a La Laz dinner into the twin's college fund. It's only ten more years until we have two kids in college at the same time."

Step 1: Jump the Net!

Luis replied, " I hear you, Barb. I appreciate the need to save money. Third Alternative, then? Is the cost your only objection? Anything else we need to consider to come up with a Third Alternative that works for you?

This took Barb by surprise. They had just recently read about Third Alternatives. Luis was not going to launch into his usual routine. He was actually asking what she wanted, apparently intending to give her whatever she requested, just not in the manner she asked for it.

What did she want? She thought about asking him to call the sitter if they needed one, but then she realized she wanted to speak directly with the teen who would spend the evening with their two sons.

Step 2: Write New Specs

Barb said, "Something inexpensive or even free is what I want this Valentine's Day, Luis. And romantic, at least a little bit."

Luis replied, "What I want is to take you somewhere special and memorable, Barb, but there is a reason. In the past year, Rob and Bart both died so suddenly and Jen developed MS. And I cannot even remember what I did for you last Valentine's Day, less than a year later. This year, I need to do something you will remember if anything were to happen to me. So, it needs to be special and not use up money the boys will need for college, right?"

Barb said, "Oh, I had no idea you were so affected by what happened to Judy, Rob, and Bart, Luis. OK, those sound like good specs for a Third Alternative. Now we brainstorm, right? How about I make a really nice candlelight dinner at home?"

Step 3: Brainstorm!

Bart replied, "I really like the idea of candlelight, but how about if I take care of the money-saving? If I brown-bag lunch for the next two weeks, instead of going out with everyone else, that will save...wow!...at least $100. How much is the babysitter?"

"Maybe $30," Barb said.

Luis said, "I am going to put my old cameras on Craigslist. If they sell in time, we go to La Paz. If not, we go somewhere a bit less memorable, but nice."

Barb replied, "Luis, I love the idea of La Paz, but I don't have any dresses nice enough for there. A new outfit would cost way too much."

Luis said, "OK. One more specification for our Third Alternative. But let's not write off La Paz too quickly. Is there any inexpensive way to come up with a suitable outfit, assuming you would actually like to go to La Paz, that is."

"I would really love a romantic, candlelight dinner with you at La Paz on Valentine's Day, Luis. But where would I get an outfit?"

Luis said, "That's pretty much out of my league, but I would be happy to ask my sisters if they have any suggestions."

Barb said, "No, please don't impose on them, Luis."

"Asking for help with brainstorming is not very imposing, Barb. They both have pretty creative minds and lots of friends," Luis said.

"You're right! I could ask a couple of the gals at work for ideas, too. Whether it's La Paz or some place a little less expensive, I think this will be a memorable Valentine's Day just because of this discussion. Thank you, Luis. I'm really glad we learned how to find Third Alternatives when we disagree. If we get to La Paz for Valentine's Day as a result, I am a fan for life!"

• Do the things a good wife or a good husband should do.


• Make sure your spouse knows what you expect him or her to do.


• Schedule time to talk about your distress when you're unhappy.


• If things get tense, make sure you protect your assets and your feelings, just in case there's a divorce.


• Always check whether your friend or therapist agrees that what your mate does to upset you is as unfair as it feels.


• Avoid marital conflict by spending more time with your kids or more time working to support them; if you don't have any kids, have one now, before the relationship gets any worse.


• See a therapist who can help you reach a good compromise if you disagree about anything important.

A faster route to a happy marriage has three simple steps:

• Assume Love: When something your spouse does upsets you, recall that you married a good person who promised to love you. Take a second look at what happened. Try to figure out why a good person who loves you might do this thing. It will jog your memory, just in case nothing bad (and perhaps even something very good) was intended by it.


• Expect Love: Instead of putting energy into earning your mate's love, put it into noticing all the loving things he or she does for you daily. Once you see them, you will not need a list of "shoulds" to inspire your own loving acts. And you won't let another list of "shoulds" keep you from recognizing what a great person you married.


• Find Third Alternatives: Welcome disagreements as a great opportunity. A Third Alternative is at least as satisfying as your original position, but it comes with the extra bonus of delighting the person you love. No need to avoid conflict. No need for heavy, accusatory discussions. Just another chance to discover another way to grow happy. If you involve your friends or therapist, ask them to help brainstorm Third Alternatives, not to put a magnifying glass to your wife's or husband's faults.

Marriage is not a competition against your spouse. If the results seem fair, it's probably not yet as good as it could be.

Is it true?

Is the confirmation helpful?

If you did not deserve it, what might you do to rediscover happiness and closeness with your husband or wife in spite of your disagreement about what he or she ought to do?

From their press release:

Are you eligible to claim EITC for 2011 taxes?

• Must have earned income in 2011
• Must have a valid Social Security number
• Investment income limited to $3,150
• Generally, must be a U.S. citizen or resident alien all year
• Cannot use "married filing separate" filing status
• Cannot be a qualifying child of another person
• Cannot file Form 2555 or 2555-EZ (related to foreign earned income)

If you meet these rules, your earned income must also be less than...

• $13,660 ($18,740 if married filing jointly) with no qualifying children
• $36,052 ($41,132 if married filing jointly) with one qualifying child
• $40,964 ($46,044 if married filing jointly) with two qualifying children
• $43,998 ($49,078 if married filing jointly) with three or more qualifying children

You could be Eligible to Receive an EITC up to:

• $464 with no qualifying children
• $3,094 one qualifying child
• $5,112 two qualifying children
• $5,751 three qualifying children

Do you want help figuring out the EITC?

• Use the interactive EITC Assistant at www.irs.gov/eitc to show you if you qualify
• Call the IRS toll free at 1-800-TAX-1040
• Visit a Volunteer Income Tax Assistance site for FREE help and tax preparation, or see your tax preparer. To find the nearest site call: 1-800-906-9887

• Positive emotions


• Engagement


• Relationships


• Meaning and purpose


• Accomplishments

"Don't visualize success. Visualize the steps you will take to succeed."

If your marriage is rocky right now, you may find your attention and efforts mistakenly centered on fixing your spouse. It is very difficult to fix someone, and his or her spouse is the worst person to do it. All of your attention to this fool's errand will keep you from accomplishing something remarkable and within your reach, like writing a book, learning a new skill, or launching a business.

Go for the accomplishment first. Think of it as putting on your own oxygen mask before assisting your spouse. It gives both of you your best shot at a happy marriage.

This is defined as being part of something bigger than oneself, something that will outlast you, something that affects more than just you. It is nice to share this with your spouse, but it is not necessary. You can pursue your own connections to something meaningful, knowing it is likely to add to your enjoyment of life.

For me, being part of the marriage education movement matters. I get great satisfaction from writing this blog and giving my Enjoy Being Married teleclasses.

Others get this from being part of a religious fellowship, volunteering to improve a school, building homes with Habitat for Humanity, campaigning for a politician with world-changing ideas, volunteering to rescue animals, or being an active part of a Gilbert & Sullivan Society. Others keep it closer to home and find meaning in raising children and providing them the best possible home.

Not sure where to find more meaning? Just watch for your biggest responses to upsetting news stories. If you cannot find a group working to help these folks, ask a librarian, use your search engine, or put #IdeaParty in a tweet on Twitter asking for ideas of where to find one.

When your mate is depressed or stressed or just disengaged, you still need meaning in your life. Do not lay the blame for not finding yours on your spouse's shoulders. Filling your life with meaning is important to flourishing, and your flourishing matters to the strength of your marriage.

We need relationships. We crave them. When they go wrong, we swear we do not need them and will be better off without them. Yet most people who divorce will marry again. And most of us will spend a lifetime seeking or nurturing relationships with friends, children, parents, siblings, and that one special other person we want to share our lives with.

One of the ways to nurture this primary relationship is to take some of the strain off it by building other relationships. Here I do not mean competing relationships, the stuff of sexual affairs and emotional infidelity. Those are unhealthy relationships. We play act in them, using our violated marriage pledge as an excuse to withhold or exit at our convenience.

I mean friendships with people who have no claim on or interest in the parts of our lives pledged to our spouses. I mean cultivating friendships with those who love the literary discussions or tennis games you adore but your wife or husband does not. I mean the friends who appreciate being asked to advise you on things your spouse will not, so that he or she can remain your chief cheerleader.

When you get some of your needs met outside the marriage, it frees you to better appreciate all the rest that your spouse does for you. At the same time, it creates a life with more and stronger relationships, which is one of the main hallmarks of a happy person.

Yesterday, we looked at how to get more Positive emotion into our lives when our spouse cannot or will not do things with us, give us that massage or hug we crave, or say the words we long to hear.

Today, I want to focus on Engagement. This marvelous bit of flourishing has another name. Mihaly Czikszentmihalyi gave it the name Flow, that wonderful state of being where you are so intensely involved in something that you could not even say if you are happy or unhappy. When you are done, though, you know you enjoyed yourself, even in spite of any pain or danger involved.

Rock climbing, sailing, and white water rafting are great examples of flow-inducing activities. So are painting, sculpting, making music, and acting. Good sex leads to flow. So can cooking or dancing or solving a puzzle.

Nine things make an activity more likely to put us into flow:

1. At every step, our next goal is clear
2. Each action results in immediate feedback
3. The task calls for a slight stretch, just a tiny bit more skill than we currently possess, but not a lot more
4. We become aware of nothing beyond our current action
5. We cannot notice distractions
6. Failure, while possible, does not occupy our thoughts
7. Self-consciousness slips away
8. We easily lose track of time and find ourselves surprised when we stop how much has gone by
9. Over time, we come to engage in the activity for its own sake, rather than what it will gain us

Our recent discussion of online games comes to mind here. Many people go into flow while playing them. To a spouse who wants to engage them, the total involvement, the time that slips away, the loss of self-consciousness, and the inability to notice distractions may all come across as rejection.

When you choose your own flow activities, you might want to be sensitive to this. Choose the time and place accordingly. And don't expect your life partner to understand that you are oblivious to your rock climbing or sculpting partner, too. Avoid engaging in your flow activities with someone that will set off jealousy.

If you have no flow-inducing hobbies, start looking. Pay attention to times when you find yourself emerging from flow. One that most people recognize is the end of a long-distance drive, when you cannot remember the landmarks along the way and wonder how you made it home like that. Pay attention to those little urges to master a new skill. Learning a skill can often put you into flow.

Still stuck? Check out your Signature Character Strengths through the VIA Strengths Survey at AuthenticHappiness.org. Using them in new ways tends to result in flow.

If you share a strength with your distant husband or wife, it might be a great choice. As you experience the benefits of frequent engagement, he or she may be tempted to join you.

If not, remember you can increase your engagement in sex, too. If your environment offers too many distractions to block out, work on removing them. If your schedule conflicts with losing track of time, change your schedule. Stretch just beyond your current skill level in pursuit of greater pleasure for yourself or your mate. Become more aware of short-term goals and not just your end goal. Sex is a great place for shared flow.

I would like to look at these to learn how we can enjoy being married over the next few days.

Positive emotion comes from remembering our past, enjoying our present, and looking forward to our future. Philip Zimbardo tells us research reveals an optimal mix of these: a moderate amount of time seeking physical or mental pleasures in the present, a bit more looking forward to a positive future, and even more reliving the happiest parts of our past.

If you are currently striking out on enjoying the present with your husband or wife, thanks to his or her depression or work stress, what can you do? You probably already figured out one option. You can find others to have a good time with. Having a good time makes us a lot more approachable when our mate has a spare moment.

Zimbardo gives us another, one that holds us close to the person we married. We can relive special moments from our past or picture those in our future. Bring out the scrapbooks and photo albums or create a new keepsake: a printed book, a blog, or a video collage. The act of making it will improve your wellbeing and very likely strengthen your marriage bond. Some day, it may also become a treasured memento for your children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren.

I would argue, though, that marriages matter. They are not entirely private. They are not entirely our own business.

Yes, we make mistakes. LOTS of us make mistakes. Many of us cheat on our spouses, whether once or many times. Many abandon our spouses or decide it is just not worth dealing with our irreconcilable differences any longer.

But it is not entirely our own business.

Christianity Says Yes

Many Christian churches read Matthew 19:6 (repeated at Mark 10:8-9) at weddings: "Therefore they are no more two, but one flesh. What therefore God has joined together, let not man put asunder." In other words, if any of you attending this wedding pursue one of them as a sex partner or spouse, or if you encourage one to abandon the other to better share their earnings or efforts with you, you're way out of line.

The Catholic Church outlawed secret marriage at the Council of Trent in 1563, when it required marriage banns, in which the bride's and groom's parishes were asked on three different occasions, "If any of you know cause or just impediment why these persons should not be joined together in Holy Matrimony, ye are to declare it." Among the reasons to be reported: living together before marriage, previous marriage not annulled or ended by the death of a spouse, or causing the spouse's death to get around that rule. This rule endured for 420 years, until 1983, and both the Lutheran Church and the Church of England went along with it, too.

The United States Says Yes

In the US today, the rules may have changed, but marriage licenses are still required, and they are a public matter. When I first married in 1973, we had to publish notice of our marriage in the local newspaper.

When you marry, your fellow citizens give you a rather large wedding gift. If one of you ends up supporting the other for any reason, we give the other one a nice tax break. In other words, we help pay the cost of supporting your spouse, because it is important and valuable to all of us that you do this.

When you marry, we cut you a break in court proceedings. You are as likely to know of your spouse's illegal misdeeds as a business partner or paramour, but you alone cannot be forced to testify to them. Why? Because this relationship is that important to the functioning of society.

When you marry and stay married for ten years, even if you later divorce, Social Security, a program funded by all of us who work for a living, gives you a choice of receiving the Social Security payment you personally qualify for or one based on what your spouse qualified for, and this continues beyond the death of your spouse. Free money, in many cases, to say thanks for staying married for at least ten years.

Buy a house and live in it alone or invite a friend to live with you, and you must pay tax on any capital gains in excess of $250,000 when you sell. In 2013, you may also need to pay Medicare tax on some or all of that $250,000, too. Bring a husband or wife to live in it with you for at least two years, and you can avoid both taxes on another $250,000 in capital gains. Your fellow taxpayers offer you up to $47,000 in additional tax savings just for being married.

Do married folks deserve all this? I think they do. They reduce welfare costs, home health care costs, long-term health care costs, disabled care costs, prison costs. Their lifestyle is typically greener. Even if they divorce, the law holds them responsible for each other's care through alimony and division of assets deemed to be shared regardless of who purchased them, much to the dismay of many who might prefer just parting company like two roommates moving on. Society invests in marriage because there is generally a good return, for society, on the investment.

Are Candidates' Marriages Our Business?

What does this have to do with candidates for president, vice president, senator, and representative? A good deal, I think. Forgive them for their private mistakes, sure. However, as you choose stewards for society's investments in our common good, consider how they have treated society's investments in their marriage(s). As you choose those who will untangle thorny problems in our relationships with other nations and with industries supported by government, take note of how they have handled the thorny problems in their primary relationship with a person of their own choosing, even if it ended in divorce or annulment.

Is Your Marriage Our Business?

Marriage is far from irrelevant and far from a private matter. We all have a stake in each other's marriages. I want so much for yours to be satisfying and long-lived. Please reach out if you need help insuring this. Not all marriages succeed, but many more could if we reached out to others instead of to those willing to put our marriage asunder for their own benefit.