My article,
My Spouse Acts Like He (She) Hates Me!
When You No Longer Feel Loved,
in the Summer issue of Going Bonkers? The self-help magazine with a sense of humor, will be in bookstores on July 3rd.

Which bookstores? Barnes & Noble, Borders, Books-a-Million, Hastings Books, and independent bookstores like Doylestown Bookshop. Some outlets may not carry the magazine, and some may run out, so please ask a sales clerk if you have any trouble locating a copy.

It looks like a really great issue, with 29 feature articles on relationships, motivation, personality disorders, getting unstuck, and more, plus lots of shorter pieces and cartoons. Mine is the lead article on the cover, in case you want to look for it.

Posted by patty at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I haven't posted here in almost six weeks. Where was I? Creating a new website, www.enjoybeingmarried.com. I hope you'll come check it out.

It has a resource directory of do-it-yourself marriage education resources (books, DVDs, CDs, games, etc.) from many sources. It lists my upcoming teleclasses. And soon it will have podcasts and eBooks for you to download. I want to make it as easy as possible for everyone to enjoy being married.

Posted by patty at 2:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

How would you like to learn to keep your marriage going strong through thick and thin while saving money on a San Francisco vacation this summer? That's what I'm planning to do.

I've been to an earlier Smart Marriages Conference, so I can't wait for the jam-packed program to arrive in my mailbox for this one. I'll be taking some of my favorite marriage education books with me for autographs, because many of the authors will be there. And I'll be at all the keynotes, because I had such a good time at the ones in 2006 and came away wiser to boot.

What's especially exciting about the 2008 conference? It's in San Francisco, and the hotel, a Hilton, is only $115 a night, a 60% discount off their AARP/AAA rates. The location is attracting plenty of big names -- Gary Chapman, John Gray, Steven Stosny, Harville Hendrix, Howard Markman and Scott Stanley, the founders of Marriage Savers, the co-author of Tony Robbins' new marriage course, even the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

The price is very low, $355 for the whole thing, $185 a day, or $15 per seminar for the Saturday afternoon sessions. There are big discounts for students, your spouse, and people from one community or organization who sign up as a group. If you're a social worker, marriage and family therapist, psychologist, counselor, or family life educator, you can even earn continuing education credits while you pick up tips on how to make your marriage as wonderful as you hoped it would be.

The main conference runs from the evening of July 2 through the evening of July 5, 2008. There are additional classes before and after to get yourself certified as a marriage educator in a large number of proven marriage education programs.

If this interests you, put yourself on the mailing list for the conference brochure listing the 150 or so workshops, seminars, and keynotes. You might also want to make your reservations at the Hilton before then.

Posted by patty at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Want to learn more about how to enjoy being married, including how to assume love and how to find the third alternative in a disagreement? Phone in to my free teleclasses, offered twice a month. We cover a different topic in each one.

To subscribe to the monthly Enjoy Being Married newsletter, which includes the teleclass schedule for the month, send an email to ebmnewsletter@aweber.com. You should immediately receive a reply by email. It will include a link to click on, to confirm it wasn't some someone else who sent us your email address.

Check your inbox for this confirmation message. As soon as you confirm, the latest newsletter will be mailed to you right away. If either of these doesn't show up within 15 minutes, be sure to check your junk mail or spam folder.

Posted by patty at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs, a book by Emerson Eggerichs, makes an excellent observation. Many a woman feels as if her air has been cut off when she feels unloved by her husband, but a man is more likely to feel this way when he feels he's lost his wife's respect. And to make matters worse, women tend to disrespect husbands who don't love them, and men tend to withhold love from wives when they feel disrespected. Eggerichs calls it the Crazy Cycle.

His book offers advice to couples who want to break out of their Crazy Cycle. Lots of books offer advice on how to show love, but few tell how to show respect to a loved one, and I've heard from a lot of men who confirm there's an important difference.

I think it's unfortunate that Dr. Eggerichs, a Protestant minister, chose to bolster his proposals for improving marriage with fragments of verses from the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. Many come from passages unrelated to his subject and appear to be wrestled into service of his ideas, which would stand quite nicely on their own. He's also going to lose a few readers by emphasizing what he sees as the husband's proper role as head of the family.

But don't let those deter you if they don't fit your religious beliefs. This book offers some important insights not offered elsewhere. Run them past your spouse and see if they'll make your marriage stronger.

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs. Emerson Eggerichs. Brentwood, Tennessee: Integrity Publishers, 2004. 240 pages.

Posted by patty at 3:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Wow! I spent a week in Atlanta at the 2006 Smart Marriages Conference in June. It was my first one, but the 10th anniversary of this truly remarkable gathering. Organizer Diane Sollee brought together 2,263 people who share the goal of better marriages.

Continue reading "Smart Marriages Conference" »

Posted by patty at 1:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most widely read and cited books on marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver.

Gottman can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for only five minutes. His predictions are correct 91% of the time. He watches for four things as they try to resolve an ongoing disagreement. Here's what tells him a couple is likely to divorce:
1. A harsh startup to the discussion
2. The "Four Horsemen" of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling
3. Flooding (feeling so overwhelmed that you avoid further discussion)
4. Body language indicating a fight-or-flight response
5. Failed repair attempts
6. Bad memories (rewritten history of their relationship)

The antidote, Gottman claims, is a strong friendship between husband and wife. This helps them remember, when things go badly, that they are dealing with a friend. Gottman claims that 69% of all marital conflicts don't get resolved, perhaps can't be resolved. Those who enjoy their marriages find playful and supportive ways of dealing with these differences.

His Seven Principles emphasize Emotional Intelligence and friendship. Each one comes with a set of exercises. Couples who do them together will build Emotional Intelligence skills and strengthen their friendship with each other.

Those who already Assume Love will find it much easier to master Gottman's Seven Principles. They will also have a great tool for fighting off the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver. New York: Crown, 1999. 288 pages.

Posted by patty at 5:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've just finished reading You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One by Steven Stosny, PhD. What a great resource for anyone in a marriage where they are walking on eggshells!

Stosny, a psychologist who runs programs for abusive men, credits his abused mother for suggesting the core of his program. He identifies resentment as the problem and compassion as the solution.

Continue reading "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" »

Posted by patty at 3:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I strongly recommend Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. A new and revised version was published in 2001 by Jossey-Bass.

Assume Love can be the first step on the road to a happier marriage, but it should not be the last step. The PREP program taught in this book can improve your marriage even more. PREP stands for Prevention and Relationship Enhancement. The course benefits both engaged couples and those seeking a better marriage.

They list four hallmarks of a great relationship:

1. Be safe at home.
2. Open the doors to initimacy.
3. Do your part and be responsible.
4. Nurture security in your future together.

PREP, a well-researched program, works best for couples who can do the exercises together. If your spouse isn't yet ready to work with you on the marriage, you'll find some useful ideas that you can use on your own. Just remember not to add Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg's advice to your list of things your spouse "should" do. That would erode, rather than help, your marriage.

Fighting for Your Marriage. Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2001. 374 pages.

Posted by patty at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, was first published in 1992. It's been republished twice and widely read. There's even a special edition for men.

In case you've missed it, Chapman explains five different ways that we love and like to be loved. Knowing them makes it easier to recognize when your spouse is offering love that might not look like love to you and to find the words to ask for what you want. The five are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Gary Chapman. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2004. 203 pages.

Posted by patty at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)