USA Today's Personal Finance section has an article today about the importance of prenups. Reporter Laura Petrecca cites Suze Orman, Elizabeth Gilbert, and matrimonial lawyers in support of the notion that prenuptial agreements protect a person entering a marriage from financial harm.

I can definitely see some instances where a prenuptial agreement makes sense, especially to protect children or other dependents who are not related to the new spouse. A prenup can also protect control of a business a spouse won't be contributing to, especially one closely tied to a person's reputation.

However, all prenups are predicated on a risk of a marital breakup. Most people with assets to protect very likely have a much smaller risk of divorce than the 40-50% across-the-board divorce rate so often cited. And this risk can be reduced even more.

For a lot less money than that prenup lawyer will demand, anyone can significantly reduce the probability of ever needing that agreement. Marriage education is available at every stage of a marriage -- from dating (How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk) through the engagement (PREP) and the wedding (The First Dance).

If problems arise after marriage, this blog has plenty of answers. There is also marriage education for those hit by infidelity (the Beyond Affairs Network), those whose spouse wants out (Divorce Busting®), and those whose marriage has become violent or threatening (Love without Hurt).

Marriages can be fortified before they reach the problem stage. There is marriage education for those who have forgotten to make time to date (10 Great Dates) and those in Empty Nests (Second Half). And there is the annual Smart Marriages Conference, where you can experience these programs and many, many more.

Most of these programs cost a good deal less than an hour of a lawyer's time. Participating sends a much more positive message of commitment than a request for a prenup (which, in itself, can reduce your risk of divorce). And it protects a lot more than assets, as preventing a divorce may also protect health, mental health, job performance, and the children's sense of security.

So here's my challenge to matrimonial lawyers: don't just protect your client after the divorce; protect him or her from divorce. Make a coupon for a local marriage education program part of your prenup package. And suggest the couple include include marriage education every 5 or 10 years right in their agreement.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Chik-fil-A does it again. The Marriage and Family Foundation, headed by Chick-fil-A founder Truett Cathy's son Bubba Cathy, just changed the future for married folks again. This time, it will be in Amarillo, TX, Columbus, GA, Northwest Arkansas, and Richmond, VA.

They surprised four pro-marriage groups with big grants, announcing them via a video stored on a digital camera mailed to each of the winners. You can watch the video they received on YouTube. They had a lot of fun making this announcement!

Thanks once again to the Smart Marriages newsletter for spreading the news.

The four organizations receiving the grants:

• The High Plains Coalition, Amarillo, TX


• Right from the Start, Columbus, GA


• NWA Healthy Marriages, Siloam Springs, AR>


• First Things First, Richmond, VA

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I am not one of the 25 bloggers who wrote it, but I think you should see this. It's a free eBook called LOVEveryday: Thoughts on Loving Amidst the Chaos of Life. It's beautifully designed and has some wonderful ideas for making the rest of the year even more delightful than Valentine's Day.

Leave them a comment and tell them I sent you. I think we need more of these, and I want to be part of the next one! Enjoy.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:04 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

How does this sound? Four to eight days in Orlando, Florida, at the Rosen Shingle Creek Resort. Four pools, a spa, golf, tennis, volleyball, walking trails, and on-site babysitting service. Disney World, SeaWorld, and Universal Studios close by.

Plus a keynote by Five Love Languages author Gary Chapman. Another by Mars-Venus author John Gray. Michele Weiner-Davis' Divorce Busting Secrets. Esther Perel, author of Mating in Captivity, on Erotic Intelligence. Harville Hendrix. Steven Stosny. Yakov Smirnoff after dinner. The latest marriage research presented by the researchers themselves. And workshops on porn, stepfamilies, how to keep your family together, how to recover from infidelity and abuse, Retrouvaille, marital sex as it ought to be, the Love Dare from the movie FireProof, African American marriage, money differences, becoming good husbands, Covey's Habits for families. And so much more - over 200 presenters in all.

If you are clergy or lay clergy, a social worker, a marriage therapist, a clinical psychologist, a teacher, or just someone who wants to help others save their marriages or build them right from the start, you can get certified in marriage education while you're there. And not in just one program, but almost every well-known marriage education curriculum. So many you can't possibly complete them all this year, but you will want to return year after year. And there is a good chance your profession offers continuing education credit for attending.

It's one of the most inexpensive conferences I attend, and there is a big discount if you attend together. The resort offers an incredibly low room rate, too. And the place will be packed with married couples like you and others who care deeply about the health of your marriage.

This is my idea of a great Valentine's gift! The Smart Marriages Conference takes place in July, and you cannot register for it yet. But now you know about it. So, visit the website, book your room at the Rosen Shingle Creek, print out the flyer, and request the brochure. Registration opens in March, and you will need the time to choose among all the offerings.

May I suggest a beautiful Valentine's Day card and a backrub with this wonderfully marriage-affirming gift?

Disclaimer: I receive no affiliate fees or other remuneration if you attend the Smart Marriages Conference. In fact, almost no one on the program does, either. If you take their certification training programs at the conference, you will most likely pay less than anywhere else they offer it. The entire enterprise is a coalition of people who care deeply about the success of your marriage, led by the totally amazing Diane Sollee.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 4:14 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The week leading up to Valentine's Day (Sunday, February 14, 2010) is Marriage Week. Does your community group, mosque, church, temple, or synagogue have something planned? It might make the difference between a couple giving up on each other and a family staying together, growing strong.

The Smart Marriages website lists lots of Marriage Week ideas. How about sponsoring a college basketball game and celebrating married couples on the Jumbotron? How about a showing of the movie Fireproof? Or perhaps just publish a list of those couples in your group celebrating their 10th, 25th, 35th, or 50th anniversaries this year?

None of these is a huge amount of work, but any one of them could be enough to help several couples over a rough spot in their marriage. When their sisters, brothers, or friends get stuck in a marital problem years later, your efforts will make a difference again. When the children of these couples begin dating, what happened when they were kids will affect their choices. When they marry, it may mean their kids get to be inspired by attending their grandparents' fiftieth anniversary celebration.

Let me know with a comment what you have planned this February.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:18 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Whether you call yourselves copreneurs, couplepreneuers, or a mom and pop business, every relationship feels unfair at times, and so does every business partnership.

How can you tell for sure when it's time to get out? How can you get your mate to carry more of an unjust load? How do you balance child care and cooking against cold-calling and bookkeeping? How can you work things out when you disagree? I will answer these questions and more on Friday, October 23, 2009, as part of Copreneur Camp.

Define Fair, my one-hour teleclass, begins at 1:45pm Eastern (12:45pm Central, 11:45am Mountain, 10:45am Pacific). You can join in by phone or computer.

Copreneur Camp is basic training for dating or married couples, same-sex or man-woman, who run a business together.

Registration for two full days of webinars is just $29, and you can easily get a $5 discount. See the Copreneur Camp registration form on the CopreneurSociety.org website.

Are you in business as a couple? How has fairness been an issue in your business or personal relationship? Please share what's worked for you and what you're still hoping for an answer to.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:24 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The How of Happiness author Sonja Lyubomirsky explains one way to add some delight to your relationship.

Take the next 15 to 20 minutes to describe in writing how you might never have met your partner, how you might never have started dating, and how you might not have ended up together. What little twists of fate might have kept you two from becoming a permanent couple?

If you can't see this making you happier, you're in good company. Neither could the people in the research she reports. Surprise! Give it a try. It's shown to make happy people with good or great romantic partnerships even happier about those partnerships.

For Ed and me, it's easy to imagine never getting together. We passed like ships in the night at least three times that we know of before discovering each other. Even after we met in person, our expectations were so different we almost missed having a second meeting. After we became a couple, we discovered we had two dozen friends in common who had never thought to introduce us.

We were lucky. Sometimes, when the little annoyances of day-to-day life weigh on my mind, I forget this. Remembering really does cheer me up. Give it a try and let me know what you think.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Please join me today at 3 pm Eastern (2 Central, 1 Mountain, noon Pacific) when I do a guest teleclass for the marvelous One Roast Vegetable community.

Enjoy Being Married: How to Turn Marriage Problems Around in a Flash

Sign up at www.OneRoastVegetable.com/market.html right now. On that page, click on the Free Teleclass link. You can submit your questions at the same time you register. And you can join the call live or listen to the recording. You will get a link to the recording shortly after the live call ends.

I'm looking forward to answering your questions. Please join us.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:06 PM | Permalink | Comments (2)

"My husband never plans anything fun. If we take a vacation, travel to visit family or even go out on a date, it's because I came up with the idea and made all the arrangements myself. If I left things to him, we would never do anything unless we could do it right now, right here, in whatever clothes we're already wearing. And it's not just him. Most of my friends avoid planning anything, too. If I don't set a date, make the reservations and figure out who's driving, nothing happens."

Sound familiar? If you want to know why you get stuck with the planning, what it says about your relationship, and how to make a change, get yourself a copy of the August 2009 issue of Going Bonkers? magazine. My article is on page 29. This issue contains a bunch of other great relationship articles and one by Wayne Dyer on changing your self-defeating thinking habits, too.

If you can't find Going Bonkers? at Borders, Barnes & Noble, or Books-a-Million, let me know, and I'll help you get your hands on a copy.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 6:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Saturday, July 11, 2009 will be a great day for Orlando-area husbands, wives, and single people who hope to marry or remarry. This year's Smart Marriages® Conference will be in town, and its 17 Saturday seminars are open to the public.

The price for any of these 90-minute sessions is just $15. This also includes admission to all the SmartMarriages exhibits, where you might run into some of the big-name marriage authors attending the conference: John Gray, Gary Chapman. Michele Weiner-Davis, Harville Hendrix, Howard Markman, Steven Stosny, Pat Love, and many more.

The seminars all start at 4 pm, so you've got time to see SeaWorld or Universal Studios first or to finish your Saturday chores.

The 90-minute Saturday seminars are taught by Scott Haltzman (author of Secrets of Happily Married Men and Secrets of Happily Married Women), John VanEpp (author of How to Avoid Marrying a Jerk), and Helen LaKelly Hunt (author of Receiving Love), for starters. If you choose The 7 Habits of Highly Successful Families, you can bring your 9-18 year old kids for free.

Some of the other seminars include Hot Latin Lovers: Latino Marriage, 10 Great Dates for Black Couples , Money Habitudes: The Last Taboo, and Marital Sex As it Ought to Be.

All the rest of the conference, including talks and workshops by all those big names, is open to the public, too. So visit this page to learn about the $15 seminars, then check out all the rest of this week-long event at Rosen Shingle Creek Resort in Orlando.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:56 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Remember falling in love? Remember how love blinded you to little things like the food wrappers and empty water bottles in his car or her need to stop at every rest area you passed? Remember noticing instead how hard he worked to raise money for that dog shelter or how she made your cranky old grandfather laugh so unselfconsciously and feeling blown away that this terrific person would choose you?

Love goes right on blinding us. Eventually, her playfulness and great sense of humor get noticed only when she takes them a step too far and makes your boss uncomfortable. His generosity gets noticed only when he loans money to a friend you know will never pay it back.

If you could actually see those great qualities as they get played out month after month and year after year in a million different ways, you would regain some of the awe and desire you felt back then. And you might be blinded to other things, like how often you're eating that same, unexciting potato salad with dinner or looking at sweaty workout clothes lying on top of the hamper.

You two have got a lot of living still ahead of you. How can you prepare to remember the really great stuff and feel so great again? Stories! If you write them, you can read them later. Read them often enough, and you'll be able to tell them from memory. You will have them at the tip of your tongue when you assume love and look for other versions of the distressing story of the moment.

Share these stories with your kids, and you'll give them valuable lessons in how to love, as well as strong confirmation of what great people they are descended from. There's a good chance they will share them with their own kids or grandkids, too, if you make it easy for them.

I'm no expert on writing these family stories in a way that makes them fun to read and share, but I know someone who is. Personal history author Beth LaMie offers free teleclasses on documenting family stories. Put your name on her mailing list; she announces at least two new classes every month, even when she fails to list them on the website.

Beth also has a terrific new book on how to write your stories. She will help you use all five senses to recognize stories worth writing and show you how to make them interesting to read again and again. As a bonus, if you have kids, you will find many tips to engage them in writing your family's stories, too.

Beth will have you reliving the surge of love that brought you two together and creating the legacy that will get you through some big challenges down the road. Think of it as marriage insurance.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:15 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

In one of those fascinating blogs I never would have run across any other way, I found my review of Emerson Eggerichs' book Love & Respect reprinted last week.

The author of Suzanne's Bookshelf, Suzanne McCarthy, wrote a six-party series on the book, especially the author's claims to a basis in the Bible for the idea that women seek love and men seek respect.

I think Suzanne and I, were we to meet, could have a grand time debunking phony gender differences. I went to MIT, after all, back when male students outnumbered female students fifteen to one. Did any of the faculty back then imagine the class of 2012 could have more women than men in it if we stopped believing women don't have the same capacity as men for math and science?

As a marriage educator, though, I think this claimed difference, that men need respect from their mates as fiercely as women need love, is one worth paying attention to. And it doesn't matter whether it is true of all men and all women. What matters is that it may be true in your marriage and, if it is, the difference matters.

My take on Love & Respect when I read the book was similar to Suzanne's. I want respect, too. Who doesn't? And I know my husband wants love. So where's the difference?

Shortly after, though, I heard the author speak at a Smart Marriages conference to a couple thousand pastors, marriage educators, pre-Cana teachers, relationship therapists, social workers, and married folks whose careers or part-time volunteer work involve teaching marriage skills. Just about half of them were men.

It was the sheer volume of the response when Eggerichs asked these people about what mattered in their own marriages that brought his message home.

None there would contend women do not seek or should not get respect, or that men don't need love. But when asked how different acts made them feel, the men as a group made it abundantly clear how critical respect is to their sense of the relationship with their wife.

The sort of respect Eggerichs spoke of might be better understood by us women as trust. Not compliance with a husband's wishes or kowtowing to his goals or methods but showing trust as a way of showing our love, because men value it at a different level from us.

It means spotting the difference between our real fears and the ones that come from our what-if thinking and comparisons to other men with different strengths. A wife's lack of trust cuts to the very core of the relationship. We ought to save it for those real fears.

Fearing a husband's alcohol-fueled rage is quite appropriate. Let him know it's not acceptable and get yourself out of harm's way. Fearing and refusing a directive to do something against your best interests is also definitely legit.

But, for a very common example, fearing how he's driving when he's had a decade or two of accident-free driving and most likely cares deeply about your safety is going to come across as a serious lack of trust (or respect for his driving skills and his intentions). Calm yourself instead of criticizing him, and you strengthen the bond between you.

Rolling your eyes when he tells you of his plan to earn money to support his family may get him to think about another approach, but it will also chip away at the bond between you.

Yes, the same is true in reverse. Yet the volume of the men's and women's responses at that talk to marriage educators tells me there's a definite gender difference in the degree of harm done.

Eggerichs' air hose analogy really fits. Respect matters to us women, too, but we can only understand the degree of panic a lack of respect causes for most men by recalling how we feel when we believe we are no longer loved.

We women need to know that if we decide we cannot respect a man who no longer appears to loves us, it's all over but the divorce papers. If we are married to a man like the large majority of the 1,000 or so men in that audience, none of that other love stuff we do to preserve the marriage -- the talks, the dates, the sex, the gifts, the special meals, the concessions -- is likely to matter while we're stepping on the respect air hose.

Of course, this is the same as when a man refuses to show love because he's not getting respect. He's not going to win us back just by trusting our judgment or praising our contribution to the kids' wellbeing. For most women, this sort of respect is very nice, but we need love. If you are one of these women, consider the possibility you are married to one of those men. Give respect a try. See what happens.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:17 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

One thing I learned from screwing up my first marriage is that happy marriages start with happy partners. It's not the other way around. As much as your mate might want to add to your happiness, he or she cannot make you happy when you are not.

In my second marriage, Barbara Sher's book Wishcraft: How to Get What You Really Want has been a big part of our efforts to find our own happiness and support each other's. This wonderful book came out 30 years ago, and it is still so popular that a special 30th anniversary edition comes out on March 24th.

I met Barbara Sher in 2004, at a PBS donors workshop in Bethlehem, PA. Immediately, I signed up to coach others using the techniques in Wishcraft, through something she calls Success Teams. My next team, eight weeks of workshops following Barbara's great program that will start you on a lifetime of successfully going after your dreams (no self-improvement or positive thinking required), is a telephone team, so anyone can participate.

Whether you join a Success Team or work through Wishcraft on your own, it's a fabulous program for getting past your procrastination and self-defeating stories about why you can't do what you love. And Barbara Sher plans to celebrate the 30th anniversary edition in a big way. She's offering prizes to those who join her, plus a giant, worldwide, 24-hour Idea Party to figure out ways to get you where you want to go, which begins the evening of March 23 for those of us in US time zones (all day March 24 UTC / Zulu / Greenwich Mean Time).

Recent research into happiness shows the pleasure of a box of chocolates, a bunch of flowers, or a massage is short-lived. More effective are a career or hobby that engages you daily and a life of meaning, in which you bring your talents to a cause greater than yourself. You owe it to yourself and the man or woman who loves you to find a way to do what you love.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:32 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Pace and Kyeli Smith have knocked one out of the park with their new couples communication book, The Usual Error: Why We Don't Understand Each Other and 34 Ways to Make It Better.

What is the Usual Error? It is the very normal, very human, big-trouble-creating mistake we all make. It is assuming that others think like us, would react like us, or value the same things we do. When we do this, we get ourselves into all sorts of love-squelching communications problems.

While showing you how to spot these errors and fix them, Pace and Kyeli offer code names for them, so you can defuse a situation quickly. They provide wonderful little vignettes of how they have cropped up in their lives and how they now handle them. And they offer some great techniques for dealing with the big ones.

The book has four sections: communication dynamics, boundaries, turning conflict into communication, conflict resolution, and positivity. The chapters in each section are short, fun to read, and immediately useful.

I love their third alternative to peacefulness (avoiding all conflict to be nice) and violence (overstepping boundaries to protect what's rightfully yours). They call it fierceness. It is the assertive middle ground so many of us need help finding.

I also delight in their answer to indecision, trust your future self, and their approach to handling verbal attacks, verbal aikido.

The illustrations, by Martin Whitmore, are illuminating and fun. You cannot find this book in most bookstores, but you can order The Usual Error online or learn more about it at the Usual Error website.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 1:57 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I will be speaking about managing married employees on Wednesday, February 11, 2009, in Philadelphia. If you are a manager, a supervisor, or a trainer, I promise lots of useful ideas. I hope you will come to this meeting of the Greater Philadelphia Chapter of the American Society for Training and Development (ASTD).

Why should managers care? Because unhappy marriages tank productivity and breakups cost employers money. Because your company secrets and your company's reputation are at stake when execs' marriages go bad. And because there is a lot you can do without prying into employees' personal affairs or turning into their marriage counselors, and all of it will directly benefit job performance.

What do I know about corporate productivity and training? In addition to being a trained marriage educator, I am a Certified Performance Technologist with 34 years of experience working for IBM, J&J, AT&T, Chase Bank, and many other corporations.

The meeting, which includes a buffet dinner, runs from 6:00 to 8:30 PM on Wednesday, February 11, 2009. Join us at the Hilton Garden Inn, 1100 Arch Street, Philadelphia, PA. Save $5.00 by registering before noon on February 10th.

I hope you will introduce yourself at the meeting. I would love to meet you.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 6:13 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Have you seen the movie Fireproof? It's worth a watch, and it's now out on DVD. It's the story of a couple rediscovering each other and the meaning of commitment through a 40-day "Love Dare" from the husband's father.

If you have seen it, and it has changed your marriage, Gary Chapman, author of the fantastic book The Five Love Languages, is offering you a chance at a great prize. The contest ends February 3, 2009. The grand prize is a trip to one of his conferences with your spouse, plus the book and the DVD of the movie.

Let me know if you win!

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:23 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Tomorrow is National Hispanic Marriage Day (Festival Nacional del Matrimonio Hispano-Latino), with events scheduled in Sacramento, California and Dallas, Texas. UNIVISION Radio Dallas is a sponsor. Tune in if you're in the area.

The Orange County (CA) Register reports, from a survey of 2,000 Californians:
"While just 57 percent of the general population said they want to get married, 75 percent of Latino respondents said they do."

Unfortunately, nearly half the Latinos respondents say the high likelihood of divorce makes marriage too risky. One in three Latinos never marries, twice the rate of non-Latinos.

Let those couples whose marriages stand as models for the rest of us know. And, if you're not married, consider offering to babysit so a married couple with kids can celebrate their marriage with a date on October 12th.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 7:17 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Last Saturday, I received a wonderful treat in the mail. Seth Godin sent me an advance copy of his new book Tribes: We Need You to Lead Us, due for release on October 16th. In the tradition of his earlier books, it's short, a great read, highly inspirational, and the sort of book that gets you thinking, rather than telling you what to do.

What it's got me thinking of are ways to reach out to other wives and husbands and life partners who long to be well-loved. There are so many of us. Seth writes, "[i]t takes only two things to turn a group into a tribe:

• A shared interest


• A way to communicate"

We need many leaders. We need family leaders, the folks who reach out to troubled spouses in their extended families to help them find their way through trying times. We need leaders among marriage educators and marriage counselors. We need leaders at work, too, who create marriage-friendly workplaces through policies and practices and training in the skills we need for relationships both at work and at home. Seth writes:

"Managers are the cynical ones. Managers are pessimists because they've seen it before and they believe they've already done it as well as it can be done. Leaders, on the other hand, have hope. Without it, there is no future to work for."

Your job title might be manager (or trainer), but your role can be leader.

Seth also says:

"I think most people have it upside down. Being charismatic doesn't make you a leader. Being a leader makes you charismatic."

We need you to lead us. Read the book. Join the tribe of well-loved husbands, wives, and life partners. Stand up for lasting, loving relationships. Help those in your life to Assume Love, Expect Love, and Find Third Alternatives.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 5:09 PM | Permalink | Comments (5)

My article,
My Spouse Acts Like He (She) Hates Me!
When You No Longer Feel Loved,
in the Summer issue of Going Bonkers? The self-help magazine with a sense of humor, will be in bookstores on July 3rd.

Which bookstores? Barnes & Noble, Borders, Books-a-Million, Hastings Books, and independent bookstores like Doylestown Bookshop. Some outlets may not carry the magazine, and some may run out, so please ask a sales clerk if you have any trouble locating a copy.

It looks like a really great issue, with 29 feature articles on relationships, motivation, personality disorders, getting unstuck, and more, plus lots of shorter pieces and cartoons. Mine is the lead article on the cover, in case you want to look for it.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:02 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I haven't posted here in almost six weeks. Where was I? Creating a new website, www.enjoybeingmarried.com. I hope you'll come check it out.

It has a resource directory of do-it-yourself marriage education resources (books, DVDs, CDs, games, etc.) from many sources. It lists my upcoming teleclasses. And soon it will have podcasts and eBooks for you to download. I want to make it as easy as possible for everyone to enjoy being married.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 2:47 PM | Permalink | Comments (1)

How would you like to learn to keep your marriage going strong through thick and thin while saving money on a San Francisco vacation this summer? That's what I'm planning to do.

I've been to an earlier Smart Marriages Conference, so I can't wait for the jam-packed program to arrive in my mailbox for this one. I'll be taking some of my favorite marriage education books with me for autographs, because many of the authors will be there. And I'll be at all the keynotes, because I had such a good time at the ones in 2006 and came away wiser to boot.

What's especially exciting about the 2008 conference? It's in San Francisco, and the hotel, a Hilton, is only $115 a night, a 60% discount off their AARP/AAA rates. The location is attracting plenty of big names -- Gary Chapman, John Gray, Steven Stosny, Harville Hendrix, Howard Markman and Scott Stanley, the founders of Marriage Savers, the co-author of Tony Robbins' new marriage course, even the author of Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence.

The price is very low, $355 for the whole thing, $185 a day, or $15 per seminar for the Saturday afternoon sessions. There are big discounts for students, your spouse, and people from one community or organization who sign up as a group. If you're a social worker, marriage and family therapist, psychologist, counselor, or family life educator, you can even earn continuing education credits while you pick up tips on how to make your marriage as wonderful as you hoped it would be.

The main conference runs from the evening of July 2 through the evening of July 5, 2008. There are additional classes before and after to get yourself certified as a marriage educator in a large number of proven marriage education programs.

If this interests you, put yourself on the mailing list for the conference brochure listing the 150 or so workshops, seminars, and keynotes. You might also want to make your reservations at the Hilton before then.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 10:10 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Want to learn more about how to enjoy being married, including how to assume love and how to find the third alternative in a disagreement? Phone in to my free teleclasses, offered twice a month. We cover a different topic in each one.

To subscribe to the monthly Enjoy Being Married newsletter, which includes the teleclass schedule for the month, send an email to ebmnewsletter@aweber.com. You should immediately receive a reply by email. It will include a link to click on, to confirm it wasn't some someone else who sent us your email address.

Check your inbox for this confirmation message. As soon as you confirm, the latest newsletter will be mailed to you right away. If either of these doesn't show up within 15 minutes, be sure to check your junk mail or spam folder.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:18 AM | Permalink | Comments (1)

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs, a book by Emerson Eggerichs, makes an excellent observation. Many a woman feels as if her air has been cut off when she feels unloved by her husband, but a man is more likely to feel this way when he feels he's lost his wife's respect. And to make matters worse, women tend to disrespect husbands who don't love them, and men tend to withhold love from wives when they feel disrespected. Eggerichs calls it the Crazy Cycle.

His book offers advice to couples who want to break out of their Crazy Cycle. Lots of books offer advice on how to show love, but few tell how to show respect to a loved one, and I've heard from a lot of men who confirm there's an important difference.

I think it's unfortunate that Dr. Eggerichs, a Protestant minister, chose to bolster his proposals for improving marriage with fragments of verses from the Old and New Testaments of the Bible. Many come from passages unrelated to his subject and appear to be wrestled into service of his ideas, which would stand quite nicely on their own. He's also going to lose a few readers by emphasizing what he sees as the husband's proper role as head of the family.

But don't let those deter you if they don't fit your religious beliefs. This book offers some important insights not offered elsewhere. Run them past your spouse and see if they'll make your marriage stronger.

Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires, the Respect He Desperately Needs. Emerson Eggerichs. Brentwood, Tennessee: Integrity Publishers, 2004. 240 pages.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:41 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Wow! I spent a week in Atlanta at the 2006 Smart Marriages Conference in June. It was my first one, but the 10th anniversary of this truly remarkable gathering. Organizer Diane Sollee brought together 2,263 people who share the goal of better marriages.

Continue reading "Smart Marriages Conference" »

Posted by Patty Newbold at 1:43 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

One of the most widely read and cited books on marriage is The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver.

Gottman can predict whether a couple will divorce after watching and listening to them for only five minutes. His predictions are correct 91% of the time. He watches for four things as they try to resolve an ongoing disagreement. Here's what tells him a couple is likely to divorce:
1. A harsh startup to the discussion
2. The "Four Horsemen" of criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling
3. Flooding (feeling so overwhelmed that you avoid further discussion)
4. Body language indicating a fight-or-flight response
5. Failed repair attempts
6. Bad memories (rewritten history of their relationship)

The antidote, Gottman claims, is a strong friendship between husband and wife. This helps them remember, when things go badly, that they are dealing with a friend. Gottman claims that 69% of all marital conflicts don't get resolved, perhaps can't be resolved. Those who enjoy their marriages find playful and supportive ways of dealing with these differences.

His Seven Principles emphasize Emotional Intelligence and friendship. Each one comes with a set of exercises. Couples who do them together will build Emotional Intelligence skills and strengthen their friendship with each other.

Those who already Assume Love will find it much easier to master Gottman's Seven Principles. They will also have a great tool for fighting off the Four Horsemen: criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling.

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work. John M. Gottman, Ph.D., and Nan Silver. New York: Crown, 1999. 288 pages.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 5:08 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've just finished reading You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One by Steven Stosny, PhD. What a great resource for anyone in a marriage where they are walking on eggshells!

Stosny, a psychologist who runs programs for abusive men, credits his abused mother for suggesting the core of his program. He identifies resentment as the problem and compassion as the solution.

Continue reading "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" »

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I strongly recommend Fighting for Your Marriage by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. A new and revised version was published in 2001 by Jossey-Bass.

Assume Love can be the first step on the road to a happier marriage, but it should not be the last step. The PREP program taught in this book can improve your marriage even more. PREP stands for Prevention and Relationship Enhancement. The course benefits both engaged couples and those seeking a better marriage.

They list four hallmarks of a great relationship:

1. Be safe at home.
2. Open the doors to initimacy.
3. Do your part and be responsible.
4. Nurture security in your future together.

PREP, a well-researched program, works best for couples who can do the exercises together. If your spouse isn't yet ready to work with you on the marriage, you'll find some useful ideas that you can use on your own. Just remember not to add Markman, Stanley, and Blumberg's advice to your list of things your spouse "should" do. That would erode, rather than help, your marriage.

Fighting for Your Marriage. Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, and Susan L. Blumberg. San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2001. 374 pages.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:12 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

The Five Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, was first published in 1992. It's been republished twice and widely read. There's even a special edition for men.

In case you've missed it, Chapman explains five different ways that we love and like to be loved. Knowing them makes it easier to recognize when your spouse is offering love that might not look like love to you and to find the words to ask for what you want. The five are:

• Words of Affirmation
• Quality Time
• Receiving Gifts
• Acts of Service
• Physical Touch

Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Gary Chapman. Chicago: Northfield Publishing, 2004. 203 pages.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:01 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)