One of my hearts greatest desires is to have a child one day. My husband is the only one that can give this to me. But he never wants to have any children... at all... ever! I have been waiting 7 years for him to change his mind.. with absolutely no change and no sign of hope for the future.
It's not all that uncommon a situation. But how do you enjoy being married to someone denying you your greatest desire? What happens to a marriage stuck in deadlock like this for seven years? It's not fair to him or to her.
This is where Third Alternatives can make a huge difference. It's so hard to see that there could be any other alternatives besides have kids and don't have kids. But this is true of almost all disagreements. We cannot see that there might be other alternatives. And we cannot see it because of the way we have framed the choices.
It is our words that get in the way. We say what we want instead of what we hope it will bring us. Our ability to find a Third Alternative depends on knowing what we hope it will bring us and what we fear it will bring us. And these are hidden in the words we use to describe what we want.
If we brought the woman whose greatest desire is to have a child an unruly twelve-year-old orphan to care for, would she feel fulfilled? Some would. Others definitely would not. "Have a child" means different things to them.
Some women would feel their desire met if they carried a child to term and got to care for it for a year before illness or accident ended its life. For others, this would be worse than having no children.
For some, adopting a child who is cared for by a nanny while they pursue a busy career qualifies. For others, having a child means natural childbirth and being an at-home mom who prepares three meals a day and stays actively involved in every aspect of the child's life.
What about shared custody of a child? Some consider this parenting. Others consider it a miserable circumstance forced upon them by the courts. But being a nanny or a foster parent or a very involved aunt or Big Sister can turn out a lot like shared custody and meet some women's "have a child" needs just fine.
So can working in a facility where you serve as several children's parent for 8 hours a day and spend the other 16 with your spouse.
For those who do not want a child, there are also many variations in what would qualify. Some do not want the financial responsibility but might accept foster parenting or being a parent with a woman who makes plenty of money.
Some fear being a child's role model. Trying out that role as an uncle or a Big Brother may reduce that fear. So might having an older father as a mentor, and there are plenty of dads who would love to be one.
Some do not like living with young children but would be fine with adopting an older child. Some do not ever want to see their wife pregnant but might consider a long-distance relationship for five months.
Some expect tasks they don't care for, like diaper changing or playing catch or sitting through soccer games. Check around at your local college. There may be many young men or women who would be pleased to work for your family taking care of these tasks, perhaps even in exchange for home-cooked meals instead of the college meal plan.
Men may shy away from children out of a belief that their sex life will suffer or their freedom to travel will be diminished. Be creative in resolving them, even if it means an overnight sitter once a week.
One man I heard of avoiding having children out of fear of being responsible for raising them in the event of his wife's death. Solving this one what-if scenario was the only obstacle to having children. It might require building stronger friendships or making more money before having them, but there is, indeed, a Third Alternative for such couples.
And one more. If your marriage is plagued by such a disagreement, it's possible that having children raises the fear of child support obligations after a divorce. The disagreement itself fuels the fear of divorce. Put it to rest and lean into the marriage, and you might find yourselves in agreement about having children.
A Third Alternative gives each of you what you sought from your first alternative (or better). Finding one starts by offering to meet your spouse's need if you can change the way of meeting it. This frees you to discuss the aspects of having a child or children you desire and the ones that frighten you.
Until you offer to do your best to provide these, you cannot have an honest discussion, because you will both still be working toward your initial alternative of children or no children. You will not see the Third Alternative until you know what each of you honestly wants.
]]>One of the things that makes it difficult to trust him is that, as she puts it, "[I] know things should be done a certain way to get them done correctly." Ah, don't we all?
Our definition of "correctly" is one of our most gigantic impediments to knowing we are loved, respected, and cared for.
Is dinner made correctly when it has a particular number of calories and ratio of fat to fiber or when the person making it feels great serving it to his or her beloved? Is it made correctly when the process follows all the steps some teacher prescribed or when it leaves time for reading to the kids or making love to your spouse?
Is the oil changed correctly when you cannot see the oil on the dipstick except in bright light? Or is it changed correctly when you get fresh oil plus a free safety inspection and don't need to spend an entire Saturday on it, so you get more together time?
Is the vacuuming done correctly when it includes moving every piece of furniture to vacuum under it or if it's done quickly, as an act of service for a loved one with allergies who is out of the house for a few minutes or to leave time to shop for a special gift?
While you tap your toe, impatiently waiting for your life partner to adopt your standards instead of noticing how his or her standards make your life better in some other way, you miss out on love.
If you have high standards you cannot or will not relax, by all means include them in a discussion of a Third Alternative to the ways you two approach a task. But you don't need to trust that your partner will always meet those standards. It's not likely to happen. Your expectation that it will is premeditated resentment.
The thing you need to learn to trust your partner will do is love you. That's a lot easier when you grow aware of the ways he or she shows love that have nothing at all to do with what you think you know about the certain way things should be done.
Today would have been the 39th anniversary of my first marriage. By the time our 13th anniversary rolled around, I was still tapping my toe and thinking it was his fault I was so unsure of his love. Three months later, I finally understood I was too sure of how things ought to be done. Unfortunately, I discovered this only because I had to do them all myself after his completely unexpected death. You have a chance to reap the benefits if you stop expecting your certain way and expect love instead.
We send such an awful message when we drop hints and ask for progress reports. We convey, "I don't trust you or your approach." We reveal, "This is an assignment, not a favor, not a chance to be my hero, not a chance to reduce my load of responsibilities, just something you can screw up if you don't do an adequate job."
His approach is not my approach because we have different strengths. His schedule is not my schedule because mine is imaginary and his is real. If it all goes horribly wrong, he will find a way to make it right. I am sure I will help if it does go wrong, but not because I am required to, just because I love him.
So once again, I am reminded to Expect Love. To expect he will screw up won't bring me any love. To expect he will complete the task on my schedule and to my satisfaction is to premeditate resenting him. I will expect he will love me. And because he loves me, he will do the best he is capable of doing in the time available and with the resources available.
His best won't look a lot like my best. It will be wonderful in different ways from my best. If I focus on what I do well instead of what he does well, I will deny myself the joy of being cared for. I will expect love, rather than any particular outcome. I will contribute whatever I contribute out of love, not duty and certainly not self-righteousness.
I will do it because I have seen the joy of expecting love and the soul-numbing deadliness of marriage as a barter bank.
I will do it because a man respected and trusted works ten times harder. I will do it because I want to end my days with hugs and kisses, not anger or dismay. I will do it because resentment tastes awful and love tastes so fine. If I want to do something better than my husband, receiving love is a much, much better choice than any household project.
]]>Over time, I have learned to speak the language of Twitter, to say things not the way I would want to hear them but the way others pay attention.
I cannot say to all those people, "We need to talk." I cannot say, "You never listen." These sound too much like, "Bad dog!" and they get me less attention, not more.
There is no Bitly for marriages, but I try to do my own counts. If you want to do this, too, just pay attention to how you ask for help, express your preferences, or share information. Then keep mental note of which ones work better with the person you are committed to spending your life with.
Do you get more smiles, more kisses, more help when you start a request with "While you are out, do you think you could..." or with "I need more ____; will you be able to get some for me while you're out?" or "We need more ____; get some if you can while you're out."
Do your attempts to initiate sex work best when they start with a compliment, a fond memory, a racy fantasy, or a command?
You won't find the answers in any book, because you did not marry the average guy or gal. The only answers that matter are the ones about this one man or woman. And it's easy to change the way you open conversations when you can see for yourself what works best right there in your own marriage.
By the way, the one word guaranteed to increase the attention folks on Twitter pay to my words is "Wow!" But it works only when I use it sparingly. Leave me a comment if it got your attention today.
]]>How in the world can we tell, in the heat of our anger and fear and frustration, whether ours would be an unnecessary divorce? I have a way you might try. It comes from my own awful experience of reaching the conclusion we should, of necessity, divorce, completely unaware our marriage was only one day away from "until death do us part."
I recited to my first husband, at the age of 34 and thick into dealing with career and motherhood, my long list of unmet needs that night. I thought they justified splitting up. I believed somehow these needs might be better met if we split up. A day later, I had full custody, all the assets, and no drawn-out battle of the lawyers, and I learned how wrong I was about my list of needs.
If your list of unmet needs includes the need to feel safe from violence and psychological manipulation in your own home, skip this one. Seek help meeting those needs first. If you need to get right with your morality and cannot do so in your current marriage, skip it. But if, like me, you feel you desperately need things like emotional support, more income, mowed lawns, washed dishes, more time off the couch and out in the world, more conversation, more help with the parenting, etc., this just might change everything.
I got none of those when my marriage was over. It was eleven years until I even met my second husband. Divorced, you can get them for yourself. But married, you can get them for yourself even more easily. Divorce over such unmet needs qualifies in my book as unnecessary divorce. Once you take those needs off the table, it turns out to be a lot easier to love and be loved.
I won't write it all out here. You can download a worksheet for free from my Enjoy Being Married website. Look for "Clean Up the Clutter of Unmet Needs" on page 4. Allow an hour or so for the exercise. And please share your insights in the comments below. You might prevent another unnecessary divorce as well as freeing yourself to enjoy being married.
]]>Would you prefer your mate tell you what he or she dislikes about you and the things you do so you can fix them?
Or would you prefer to hear about you at your best and work to live up to your reputation?
There is a good chance your husband, wife, or life partner feels the same.
]]>If you look carefully, though, you may discover some very annoying things are done not to annoy you but to be with you. Or to love you the way he or she wants to be loved. Or to cope with stress that comes from earning money to share with you or doing things for you that you cannot do for yourself.
If you focus on the love, you are a lot more likely to change your spouse. We all love to love someone who notices how much we love them.
]]>Marriage is not just about putting food on the table and turning a house into a home. It is about connecting with another human being on as many levels as you can. Create some new special memories by using love languages when you plan your next date night.
]]>The answer is not very helpful. Referees are useful only for deciding competitions, not for making relationships more intimate or more satisfying.
A better question is this: how can we resolve this disagreement in a way that satisfies both of us?
On the way to discovering the answer is another question: what is it that I don't yet understand that leads you to choose this option I disagree with?
Before you can ask it, you must jump the net and get on the same side, in search of a solution that is neither of your first two options but delivers the important outcomes each of them would achieve.
Find Third Alternatives. Then you're both right. Better yet, you're both happy with the outcome and with each other.
]]>When you're not doing what you love, she says you're robbing all of us of the genius that lives inside you. More importantly, you are robbing your marriage of passion, delight, and the quiet confidence of succeeding in spite of any lousy moods and lack of character.
Over the years, I have read Barbara's books, watched her on PBS specials, become a Sher Success Teams Leader, and spent time getting to know her at three retreats and a Big Cheap Weekend.
Now I am helping her launch a wonderful new program called Hanging Out with Barbara Sher. She hopes to capture some of the delight of those moments between sessions at her retreats and weekends, when she shares some of the things she loves and nudges us with ideas so compelling that we cannot let them die when we go home again.
The launch date is April 28, 2012. That is the first day you can sign up to receive the program, in three installments a week for a full year. It is also the day of a really special launch party.
Barbara is offering a free 90-minute teleseminar and more than $2,500 in prizes during the launch party. She is also offering a free subscription to one lucky member of her mailing list on the 28th. (Add your email address at the bottom of this page.)
I am not eligible to win any of the great prizes, but and your spouse are. They will be given out to folks who use Twitter to participate in the celebration. Getting started with Twitter is really easy. And even if you don't win, every single tweet of yours will send 10 cents of Barbara Sher's money to Himalayan kids who really need them.
So, put her on speakerphone and set up face-to-face laptops with your mate on Saturday, April 28, 2012 at 2 pm EDT (time converter). You'll see my Assume Love daisy next to my Twitter name (@married) on all of my tweets that day. Make one of your first tweets Hey @married I'm here at Barbara Sher's Launch Party http://bit.ly/HU3Z61 #BarbaraSher so I know you made it to the party.
And please let me know if you sign up for Hanging Out with Barbara Sher or if you win a prize. Every one of the prizes could literally change your life and your marriage.
Are you waiting for more appreciation? More picking up after himself? More self-reliance when it comes to getting the computer and other electronics to work?
Are you waiting for more foreplay? Less modesty in bed? Better meals? Some landscaping? Maybe weight loss? Or perhaps vacation planning?
What would you do if you learned today for certain you will never get it? What if you could tell right now, without a doubt, you cannot and will not get it, not by nagging nor by being extra nice nor even by promising money or sex?
Can you picture yourself finding a way to accept you won't be getting what you're waiting for and love your spouse anyway?
If so, no matter how justified you might be for wanting what you've been waiting for, while you wait, you miss out on being fully in love with each other.
Sleep in separate rooms, keep separate schedules, date other people, stay angry at each other, refer to each other around the kids as "your mother" and "your father."
This is not staying married. It's just staying. You and your kids deserve better. But divorce is not the only alternative.
The right way to stay married for the kids.
Look daily for things to appreciate about the kids' other parent. Show enormous respect for the person who means so much to them. Say please and thank you and you're the best to your kids' mother or father. Keep trying until you find things you can all do as a family and really enjoy them. Hug and touch each other. Ignore cutting remarks as you would if they came from Great Aunt Betty whose dementia is worsening.
Tolerate no abuse. Involve other adults, not your kids, in protecting you and the kids and creating the motivation for stopping the abuse or its cause.
Stand together on boundaries and rules for the kids, even if it means you must sometimes defend one you could live without. Use every trick in the book to resolve your differences (e.g., The Floor from Fighting for Your Marriage and PREP, massage to release oxytocin, Third Alternatives, observing The Dance of Anger and leading into a calming dance step, taking an immediate break when there's a harsh startup, flooding, or stonewalling per John Gottman's research).
And never, ever, ever play the Isn't My Spouse Awful game with your kids.
The person who wants to go out more assumes their partner wants to stay home to avoid the very things he or she values about getting out, whether it's new experiences, better food, or exercise in the company of friends. This is seldom true.
The person who wants to stay home may beg their partner to stay home, too, only to find that his or her idea of staying home is to get some work done or read email, not to sit quietly together, make the house and yard more inviting, or to make love.
Disagreements get really ugly when one partner expects the other to initiate going out or staying home when the other is their preference. It guarantees an awful time together wherever you end up.
How do you resolve such differences? You look for a Third Alternative. Step One, you jump the net and tell your husband, wife, or life partner, "I want you to have what you're looking for." You will never find it while holding onto the idea that only one of you will get what you want or that you will have to settle for less than what you want.
Step Two, you write up the specs for having what both of you are looking for and for what both of you need to avoid. You want one set of specs that both of you buy into. Check each one to be sure you both will know whether an idea meets it or not.
Step Three, you brainstorm the craziest things you can think of that might possibly comply with the full set of specs, gradually tweaking each idea until you find one (or more) that make you both say, "Yes! I want this."
Step One is critical but easy to master. Step Two takes practice, but mastering it makes Step Three easy. To succeed at it, you must be genuinely interested in getting past your own meanings for words and finding out what they mean for your spouse.
"I prefer wearing sweats after work." Sounds simple, but there are so many possibilities in it. Perhaps this means that going out in other clothing would be fine before work or on weekends. Perhaps it simply means that after work clothes must be comfortable to wear, but could be made of other fabrics and in other designs.
"I get bored being here all day. I need a change of venue." Good point. But is it needed when you're together? Or have you just fallen into a pattern that keeps you home during the day and itching to go out when the sun goes down? And is it perhaps possible the change of venue could be at home if you created a room at home that's totally different and reserved for time together after hours?
"I would rather have dinners at home than to go out to a restaurant and dancing with friends." This mixes several things together. Would you be interested in dancing if it were a different style of dancing than your current friends engage in? Or if you could do it at home on your own dance floor, with or without friends? Are dinners at home better because of the food? The price? The noise level? The ease of including the kids?
Once you stop defending your original plan (one of a thousand or more available to you), you can take the time to ask about the meaning behind the words your partner uses. It will improve your specs for a solution. It will also make your spouse feel known and valued.
When you get to brainstorming a way to meet your now shared specs, I expect a lot more ideas will come to you. You won't be running from a disagreement, but dancing together toward a better life for both of you. And that is the incredible power of Third Alternatives. Try it and see.
]]>Many people are quicker to anger and less diplomatic in their ways of expressing it when they drink. Most, however, cannot violate their own moral code even when drunk.
If they would protect your college fund or your retirement fund from a thief while sober, most won't take it themselves when they are drunk.
If they would defend you from a stranger who hit you, threw you on the bed, or even raised a hand to threaten you while sober, most will not hit you, throw you on the bed, or raise a hand to you while drunk.
They might use harsher words. They might get angry over different things. They might be louder and more demanding. But they won't violate their own morality, their deep knowledge of what is right and wrong, their human urge to protect loved ones from harm.
For those who do, the explanation is not alcohol. The explanation is a loss of control over the connection between their intentions and their behavior when they drink.
If they have no control, no ability to act in accordance with their intentions when they drink, they cannot protect you or your relationship. When they are sober, they may express their intentions to treat you better, but this is not within their control when they drink. You might forgive them because they have such a good heart most of the time, but their behavior while drinking is not affected by their good intentions.
You and your relationship are no safer when they drink than you are standing in the middle of the road counting on that stranger driving the tractor trailer to see you and apply the brakes in time despite the pea soup fog between you. You are the only one who is going to stop this carnage. And you're not going to do it by bravely sticking one arm out like you're Superman. You must get yourself out of the road.
If the only explanation you come up with when you Assume Love is that, while drinking, your spouse cannot control his or her actions, cannot act in accord with his or her good intentions or moral code, your only loving act is to get yourself out of the road.
The only fix for a loss of control while drinking is to stop drinking or to learn new skills for managing oneself while drinking. And the latter only works for those not yet addicted, those who can drink a little and stop themselves from drinking more when they reach the point where they must depend on their broken autopilot.
Choosing either of these takes a lot of motivation and a good bit of courage. Getting yourself out of the road (leaving the house at the first drink or living separately until you see a real change) helps your mate find that courage. It also takes courage to do, so be sure to turn to the rest of your support network, so you can do it sooner rather than later.
Alcohol can explain a change in language, volume, or modesty. If you Assume Love and come to this explanation, ask for what you need when your mate is sober.
But if the real explanation is that your spouse's behavior is not under the control of his or her good intentions, insist that your spouse re-establish this control, and stay out of the road until it happens. If you have a kind bone in your body, don't let your spouse be that truck driver who cannot stop the truck in time to spare a loved one.