When we seek the gaze of another, it isn't always our partner we're turning away from, but the person we ourselves have become. We're seeking not another partner, but another self. Couples who reinvent themselves can bring this other self into their existing relationship.

Love it! What a goal! If we recognize this in time, we could skip the cheating and reap the benefits without all the pain.

Every time I start to get over Guy, he comes around again. It's like he has radar.

If you are looking to get married and running into people like Guy, or if you are in Guy's situation of being unable to choose, you need to know this. Some folks have a dread fear of making a bad choice, especially in a decision as big as who to spend the rest of their life with.

The fear, psychology researchers tell us, comes from childhood experiences of being smothered or tied down by our life-essential love for our caretaker. The fear is real, but it is a phobia, a fear much larger than the risk as others see it. (I was going to say the real risk, but I don't think there is a universal scale for how much fear a given risk deserves.) And, while psychologists have pounded their collective heads against the wall of many problems, phobias are one they've gotten figured out.

The phobia is triggered not by the partner, but by the desire to stay, the toying with the idea of committing to this one partner and, as those wedding vows say, "forsaking all others."

If you are dating someone with this phobia, the more delightful you are to be around, the faster you will trigger the phobia. If you make yourself available for another round after distance has reduced the fear, the odds are excellent the relationship will end again just when it feels the warmest and closest and most hopeful to you. It will end because those feelings trigger fears of horrible strings attached to love (which have nothing at all to do with you) or of missing out on even better feelings by making a choice of a mate before getting to know all the possible choices.

If you are looking to get married, your chances of curing a good prospect's phobia are about the same as those of a travel agent who tries to talk those with a strong fear of flying into enjoying their flight to the islands. Unfortunately, people familiar with their commitment phobia often rush into relationships the way a child who knows the water will be cold rushes into the waves. They can look very promising. You will know them by their other commitment (the one they go home to every night or every weekend but swear they will leave as soon as they are certain) or by their sudden 180-degree about-face cooling off period whenever the relationship warms up.

If you recognize yourself in this description, please know most phobias can be cured. But I also want you to know that your picture of love, the one driving your phobia, is that of the child you once were. Marriages do not succeed or fail because they are a match made in heaven or a pairing of soulmates. They succeed or fail mostly because of what goes on in our heads.

Our knee-jerk fear responses, expectations, and fixation on either-or choices dictate most of what happens. They, not the person we're dating or married to, create fear in most cases. These are what convince us we found the wrong person, and we will all see "wrong person" projected onto the face of just about anyone we choose after a few years if we don't Assume Love when upset, Expect Love when disappointed, and Find Third Alternatives when we disagree.

If you share Guy's phobia, give these three tools a try for a few months and see if you can't get yourself through the next desire to run from someone you love.

Is it when you are fed and pampered? When you receive an especially thoughtful gift? During lovemaking? After you have been especially emotional? When you spend a day together without work intruding? When you make something for your special guy or gal? As you come off a dance floor? When you finish painting a room or installing a faucet together?

Have you got it? Do you have a picture in your mind right now of what is true when this magnificent feeling washes over you? Grab a card, your cell phone, or your netbook and write down three ways you could help create this sort of moment or better recognize one is on its way. May you rediscover it many times over the next 15 years.

How about sharing your list here in the comments? You just might give someone else the key to a loving moment, a long-lasting, wonderful memory.

Those couples who communicate better experience less stress (as measured by cortisol in their saliva) while discussing a difficult topic. But when you give randomly selected couples a squirt of oxytocin nasal spray in a relationship lab, they communicate better than the couples who don't receive it. They don't report feeling any less stressed, but their cortisol levels say they are, and that's what matter to the health of their heart and other organs.

So where can you get some of this oxytocin? You secrete it from your pituitary. It's the size of a pea and located at the base of your brain, but you don't need to stick a probe in your brain to tell it to start producing more.

When you feel a wave of warm, positive feelings, you will know you have found the switch. Alcohol is an off switch, substituting its own wave of warm, positive feelings for the one that helps communication. The on switches? Orgasm is an oxytocin releaser for both sexes. So is genital stimulation, even without orgasm. Stroking of the skin works well, too, and the more you produce, the more enjoyable touching gets.

So perhaps those happy couples who communicate so well are reaping the dual benefits of the language of touch. It's good for the heart.

• I expect my husband to pick up after himself.


• I expect him to at least remember when our anniversary is!


• I expect that when I cook, he does the dishes.


• I did not expect that once we married, he would kiss me only when he's looking for sex.


• And I did not expect he would make such a fuss about visiting my family.


• I expect him to make a decent living.


• I don't expect a lot, but is it unreasonable to expect he'll watch the kids on those rare nights when I go out?

Newlyweds and long-time marrieds both want to know, "What should I expect from my guy?"

And I answer, "Expect love."

That line can be hard to get your head around, because it is so easy to launch into something like this: "If he loved me, he would pick up after himself."

Not true.

Marriage is like a buffet. In a marriage, you should expect love. At a buffet, you should expect food.

At most buffets, if you are expecting food, you will be thrilled. There will be lots of it, and you are welcome to as much of it as you like. Some of it will be delicious. Some will be gorgeous. Some will whet your appetite. Some will fill your stomach. And it may come with a jazz quartet or a mariachi band or butter in the shape of a swan.

If you expect the carved watermelons your best friend described from the midnight buffet on her cruise, you will be disappointed. Most buffets don't have them.

If you expect ham or bacon, you may be so disappointed that you miss out on the exquisite potato pancakes or the lox.

If you just can't wait for those Austrian layer cakes from your sister's buffet, you may skip right over the great the fantastic pastitsio at the Greek buffet to save room. What a shame!

My favorite buffet is the one at Old Sturbridge Village, but I would be miserably disappointed expecting anything like their wonderful chicken pot pie at a jazz brunch buffet in New Orleans.

When you head out to a buffet, expect food. Let the rest of the details surprise you. Don't ruin the experience by comparing it to the highlights of another buffet.

And when you marry, forget what you know about other marriages. It will only get in the way of having a really great experience. Expect love. Let the rest of the details surprise you.

• I expect my husband to pick up after himself.


• I expect him to at least remember when our anniversary is!


• I expect that when I cook, he does the dishes.


• I did not expect that once we married, he would kiss me only when he's looking for sex.


• And I did not expect he would make such a fuss about visiting my family.


• I expect him to make a decent living.


• I don't expect a lot, but is it unreasonable to expect he'll watch the kids on those rare nights when I go out?

Newlyweds and long-time marrieds both want to know, "What should I expect from my guy?"

And I answer, "Expect love."

That line can be hard to get your head around, because it is so easy to launch into something like this: "If he loved me, he would pick up after himself."

Not true.

Marriage is like a buffet. In a marriage, you should expect love. At a buffet, you should expect food.

At most buffets, if you are expecting food, you will be thrilled. There will be lots of it, and you are welcome to as much of it as you like. Some of it will be delicious. Some will be gorgeous. Some will whet your appetite. Some will fill your stomach. And it may come with a jazz quartet or a mariachi band or butter in the shape of a swan.

If you expect the carved watermelons your best friend described from the midnight buffet on her cruise, you will be disappointed. Most buffets don't have them.

If you expect ham or bacon, you may be so disappointed that you miss out on the exquisite potato pancakes or the lox.

If you just can't wait for those Austrian layer cakes from your sister's buffet, you may skip right over the great the fantastic pastitsio at the Greek buffet to save room. What a shame!

My favorite buffet is the one at Old Sturbridge Village, but I would be miserably disappointed expecting anything like their wonderful chicken pot pie at a jazz brunch buffet in New Orleans.

When you head out to a buffet, expect food. Let the rest of the details surprise you. Don't ruin the experience by comparing it to the highlights of another buffet.

And when you marry, forget what you know about other marriages. It will only get in the way of having a really great experience. Expect love. Let the rest of the details surprise you.

And other times: Because they hurt so much that they want to sting with their words, illogically hoping the response will be a loving one.

It is a mess. You don't like it. Your mate will get hurt if you do as you please. People will look down their noses at you. But you feel frustrated, maybe even cornered. So you snarl. And you lose your wife's respect. Or you drive your husband back into dead silence, with no communication.

You have four ways to look at your mess:

1. Marriage is a trap. Your mate lost a job, got sick, or made a promise to a relative, and now you are stuck picking up the pieces.


2. Marriage is hard work. Sometimes you must sacrifice, but your turn to be on the receiving end will come.


3. Marriage means commitment and commitment means putting yourself second. You will get your reward in the afterlife.


4. Marriage has nothing to do with your mess. Married or not, you would do the best you could for your kids and you would lend a helping hand to those in your life who need one. Marriage is not the source of the problem. Instead, it is your best opportunity for love and support as you look for a creative way around your current obstacles.

They may be right, except that they try to solve the problem by saying more or demanding their mate answer their accusations.

Say you start off with the wrong assumption. For example, you mistake grumpiness for criticism because, like so many of us, you're expecting someone who promised to love you for the rest of your life to constantly check you for imperfections. Even before you utter a word, your face or the way you set your shoulders conveys your hurt or your anger.

Talk now, and you dig your hole deeper. Instead, assume love. Don't pretend love, ignore your pain, and paste a phony smile on your face. Really try out the assumption that your spouse still adores you, and ask what circumstances could lead to this sort of grumpiness toward the person he or she adores. Nine times out of ten, you will remember or spot the cause as soon as you look: a cold, a worry about work, an unwanted and urgent chore, a lack of sleep, a dog puddle three steps ahead. You didn't see it before because that's the way the human brain works; when you're upset, it looks only for more threats to you. But you can change this just by switching assumptions.

Now, if you care to communicate, you might want to use your husband's or wife's main love language. Communicate with an arm around the shoulder, with an offer of assistance, or with a reminder of how much you admire and love this person you married.

If this is that one time out of ten when you cannot spot an obvious reason for the distressing behavior, the softening of your eyes and lowering of your shoulders will communicate a lot before you gently ask what's up. And even if you were right about the criticism, you may find it's gone in a flash of compassion and love. And you two can talk about something more interesting.

"I want to. But not just any job. I can't go back to what I was doing. I need coworkers I can stand being around. And I need to keep doing something meaningful. I am not sure I could stand working in an insurance office again."

"For the last 19 years, I have gone to a truly ordinary, not-so-meaningful job every day, even worked overtime, for you and the kids. I wanted to go into business for myself, but I could not take the risk. Now, all I am asking is that you help pay these college bills."

"I will get a job. Really, I will. I might need to go back to school first, but I will get a job. I am just looking for something I can enjoy doing."

"We're not getting anywhere."

No, they sure are not getting anywhere. Each one is defending a position, a story about what is fair, what a loving partner ought to do. They do this politely. They do it without raising their voices. But with each affirmation of their opposing stands, they pound a dividing wedge into their relationship.

It hurts to learn you will not get what you expected your mate to provide. To stop the pain, you can make demands -- and harm your relationship. You can out-debate your partner -- and harm your relationship. You can whine -- and harm both your relationship and your status as mature adult worthy of emulation. Or you can choose to let the expectation go. Let all your expectations go, except one.

Expect love.

You have a problem, whether it is taking a risk on a career change as your kids go to college or finding your way back into the full-time work force after 19 years out. If no one had your back, if you had to do this on your own as a widow or widower with no one to love you, you could do it.

But you are not on your own. You are loved. You are loved by someone with remarkable strengths, different from your own, strengths to help you solve this problem. You are loved by someone who will make great sacrifices for you, some more easily than others. You are loved by someone who wants to show you love, but finds it harder to do so when you ask, over and over, for just one particular way of showing it.

Working a job is not the only way to bring in money. Your current expenses are not fixed in stone. Money is not the only way to put kids through college. Going back to school is not the only way to launch a meaningful career. Working a dull job is not so bad if you come home to support for your dreams or even to a great meal and a massage. And starting your own business is a lot less risky if someone else is pouring heart and soul into it with you.

When you do not get want you want, listen for that little voice in your head that says, "If you loved me, you would..." It is almost always wrong. You were expecting something other than love.

Think back to all the times you received love far greater than anything you expected. That is love. Expect love again. And get to work on solving your problem while you wait for it to surprise you.

"I'm scared silly" would be different. So would "I'm really angry, and I'm not going to take it any more."

"Not happy" carries no danger, no adrenalin racing through your veins, no cowering when you hear the car in the driveway or the pop-top on a beer can. "Not happy" conveys a deep loss, something important missing, an unspoken promise quietly broken.

When "not happy" hits your marriage, try this. Do the things you would do to restore your happiness if you had no spouse. Skip the ones that violate your vows, because a lack of integrity really gets in the way of happiness, but don't overlook any that violate only your mate's expectations.

Tell yourself you will leave as soon as happiness returns, if you like, but not a minute sooner. Happiness first, happiness in spite of your sad marriage.

Dance. Hit a karaoke bar. Head to the beach. Buy something beautiful. Climb a mountain. Write poetry. Ride a bike. Eat chocolate, really, really good dark chocolate with outrageous fillings and a gazillion calories. Have dinner with old friends. Help Habitat for Humanity build a house. Spoil your dog. Keep at it until you feel genuinely happy again.

And perhaps, like me, you will find you like your wife or husband a whole lot more when you feel happy, much, much more than you could possibly like anyone you just met.

"Many of these parents are children of divorce -- born in the early '80s when divorce rates peaked. Today, these parents say they'd rather raise a child alone or with multiple partners than risk putting that child through a divorce."

I want to give every one of you parents a huge hug and beg your forgiveness. My generation just did not know any better.

We told you people just grow apart, fall out of love, need to leave to find happiness, because we did not know any better. We grew up on mythical TV families, then came of age to Free Love and No-Fault Divorce.

We told you partners cheat on each other because they are rotten apples and "once a cheater, always a cheater," because we did not know any better. We had no idea how to stay close enough to resist temptation or how to mend such a huge mistake once it was made.

Things change. With events like the Smart Marriages Conference in Orlando this week, and with all the classes, books, videos, and retreats offered all year 'round by those who speak there, there are better options for your children than our divorces or this new single-parent-from-infancy game plan.

Marriage education changes lives. If you can get to Orlando next Sunday at 4 pm, you can attend your choice of 90-minute seminars with well-known therapists, authors, and researchers for just $15 and stay for a marriage film festival.

But when you're married, it looks for all the world like your spouse is holding up the barricade keeping you from going in a better direction. Very seldom is this true.

If you feel stuck, declare your independence, but not from your mate, the one person in the world who probably cares as much about your spirit as you do. Declare your independence from that outdated life or career or routine.

Then get to work with your mate on some Third Alternatives for the things that must change in your lives. And remember the goal of looking for Third Alternatives: get what you need while giving your mate the moon and the stars. Don't ask your mate to pick up any responsibilities you drop; ask him or her to help you find Third Alternatives for those responsibilities. Don't ask your spouse to take an intolerable financial risk just because it seems worth it to you; ask for help finding ways to fund your leap of faith. Don't just announce you are moving out; ask for helping getting more personal space, more privacy, more quiet, or more of whatever that new place offers.

You may discover your husband or wife is delighted with the new you, with the security of being consulted instead of dumped, and with the respect of being asked to help you live life well.

Happy Independence Day!