Received this request from True Entertainment via the Smart Marriages newsletter today.

Infidelity is among the most delicate and difficult experiences a couple faces. Yet, while statistics show that more than 50% of all adults have cheated on their partners, it is still a very isolating experience.

True Entertainment, an Emmy Award winning production company who has produced TV documentaries for Discovery, The History Channel, ABC, Lifetime,TLC and many other networks, is producing an insightful exploration of infidelity and its effects on a relationship, family, loved ones and friends. This documentary-style show will take a comprehensive look at cheating, with the goal of understanding the nature of infidelity, as well as providing hope to viewers who are experiencing it in their own lives.

We are looking for couples who are willing to share their stories with our viewers whether they have found their way back to each other or ended up ending the relationship.

We are also looking to include the point of view of anyone who was vital in the couples journey (therapist, marriage educators, family or friends).

If you know anyone who might be willing to participate or you would like any further information, please contact Michele Friedman at friedman@trueeentertainment.net. Our deadline is Friday, October 23rd.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:40 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

While driving in New Jersey a while back, I listened to a radio talk show about relationships. The topic of the day was whether we have the right to read our spouse's mail and email and check his or her cell phone text messages and call logs.

No matter which answer callers gave, the question itself, and their eagerness to engage it, disturbed me. A better question would be whether we stand to gain or lose by checking up on a spouse.

When we marry, we take a big risk, in exchange for an even bigger payoff. This question recognizes the risk. A spouse who steps out on us could bring home a deadly disease or destroy his or her career through scandal. An affair might result in the birth of a child or the death of our marriage.

We can reduce the risk by leaving our spouse no privacy. But we can't protect the payoff, the love we need in our lives, the feeling of being special to another human being, the support for our mission in life. Suspiciousness pushes all this away. We can't receive love and look for harm simultaneously. We can't distrust and feel love at the same time.

Whether we have the right to behave this way or not, by checking up on phone calls and email, we choose to give up the payoff that justifies the risk. We choose to lose.

A much better approach to dealing with our fear is to Assume Love and Find Third Alternatives.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:41 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

NY Governor David Paterson and his wife made some tough public admissions of infidelity as he starts his service as governor of the state where Eliot Spitzer just stepped down.

“I betrayed a commitment to my wife several years ago...both of us committed acts of infidelity.” It's an awful thing to confess to, and many cannot understand how a decent man or woman could be unfaithful or how a marriage survives such a violation.

I think Governor Paterson explains it pretty well: “The fact is for my own action, I was angry, I was jealous and I exercised poor judgment. One day I realized it and I just decided I would go to counseling.”

He's on the same page I was in my post on Eliot Spitzer:

We don't suddenly fail at the moment when we cheat on our spouses or hit them; we fail every time we choose to tolerate our own resentment, anger, or disappointment about our marriages, because this is when we create the conditions for monumentally bad judgment.

Resentment isn't the antithesis of love. In fact, we probably resent because we love. Paterson acknowledged this when he said, “I was in love with Michelle even when I knew the marriage was in grave danger.”

Eventually, though, resentment will snuff out love and leave us only with the commitment we made to the person, a tough spot for any man or woman of good character. Best not to go there, not to let resentment or anger simmer without coming back to love. Assume love and look for a different explanation, then a Third Alternative for getting what you both need, instead of aiming to get even for an unfair, hurtful action.

Some argue the high rates of infidelity in marriage--higher than the rate of divorce--argues against even aiming for monogamy. I see them instead as evidence we can and do learn from our mistakes and recognize the value of love and marriage in our lives.

Bravo to David and Michelle Paige Paterson for a good recovery from whatever resentment began their marriage problems and for revealing their past mistakes so we might see couples do recover from affairs and learn from them.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:28 AM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Politicians can wield a great deal of public power, but it is often how they conduct their personal relationships that takes it all away in an instant.

People are human. They make really foolish mistakes, especially when it comes to feeding their very human desires for love, respect, intimacy, and sex, mistakes almost as shocking to them as to the rest of us.

The preventative medicine is not fear of consequences. Eliot Spitzer knew better than almost anyone the consequences, and he allegedly compounded his risk by engaging in felony crimes to cover his tracks to avoid those consequences. The real preventative medicine for these career- and family-crushing mistakes is a marriage we fully enjoy. And, except in extreme cases, such a marriage is available regardless of whom we married, as this blog tries to show.

We don't suddenly fail at the moment when we cheat on our spouses or hit them; we fail every time we choose to tolerate our own resentment, anger, or disappointment about our marriages, because this is when we create the conditions for monumentally bad judgment.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

Here's a terrific offer in my inbox tonight for everyone who has been walking on eggshells in their marriage, feeling resentful toward their mate, or getting out-of-control angry at them. It comes from one of my favorite newsletters, Smart Marriages.

Steven Stosny is trying an experiment to make his highly-regarded Boot Camp, featured on Oprah and in many other national media, available at a substantially reduced cost. He is experimenting to see if he can fill it without having to pay for advertising, which would mean he could offer this invaluable program for 40% lower than his usual fee.

While I haven't been to a Boot Camp yet, I've read Stosny's book about them (You Don't Have to Take It Anymore) and heard him present his remarkable success story with this program. He's saving marriages most people wouldn't think could be saved.

The Boot Camp takes place November 30 through December 2, 2007, in Gaithersburg, Maryland. That's in the Washington, DC area. The $300 discount is available only through November 4, by calling (301) 528-7067 or registering online at www.compassionpower.com.

This is not anger management training or a class for shaming abusers. It's real help for those who want to stop hurting their spouses, whether physically or emotionally, and for those who have been walking on eggshells around them. Expect to learn how to replace resentment, anger, and jealousy with compassion and love.

Read my earlier review of Stosny's book.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:03 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

I've just finished reading You Don't Have to Take It Anymore: Turn Your Resentful, Angry, or Emotionally Abusive Relationship into a Compassionate, Loving One by Steven Stosny, PhD. What a great resource for anyone in a marriage where they are walking on eggshells!

Stosny, a psychologist who runs programs for abusive men, credits his abused mother for suggesting the core of his program. He identifies resentment as the problem and compassion as the solution.

Continue reading "You Don't Have to Take It Anymore" »

Posted by Patty Newbold at 3:28 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)

When your spouse has just struck you or threatened to take a knife to you while you sleep, can you Assume Love? Absolutely. But you want to be very careful not to pretend love. You Assume Love to check whether it's possible this act could happen if you are still loved.

Sometimes the answer's no. If there's no intention to protect you from harm or threat of harm, there's no love. Love requires that intention. So, you check for intention. Does your spouse apologize or try to repair the relationship? If this isn't the first time, has your spouse made a real effort at self-control since the last time? Would your spouse protect you from a guest in your home doing the same thing? If not, seek protection from this person immediately.

Most times the answer's yes. Something interfered with your spouse's self-control -- alcohol, drugs, brain damage, a brain tumors, dementia, or never having learned the skill of managing anger or frustration. The love was there, but your spouse responded to anger or frustration like a two-year-old with an adult's strength, unable to control his or her actions. Don't just kiss and make up.

Continue reading "Assume Love from an Abuser?" »

Posted by Patty Newbold at 1:46 PM | Permalink | Comments (0)