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Do I Have to Accept Porn?

Porn is a problem in many marriages. In an earlier post, I referred to several resources from an expert on the subject, Dr. Mark Laaser. The comments on that post are also worth reading. If porn is an issue in your marriage, I hope you will check it out.

A lot of women take offense at porn. It makes them question their husbands' respect and love for them. It feels like infidelity to them. It makes it so much harder for them to respect their men.

A lot of men do not understand. They don't think of porn as having anything to do with their relationship with their wives. It is just entertainment to them. It feeds their fantasies and may make them feel more sexual with their wives, not less. It may relieve their concerns about the effects of a vasectomy, a prostate problem, or aging. It may make it easier to remain faithful to a wife who wants less sex or tamer sex than they want. It may provide relief from some other tension in the marriage that they have no idea how to bring up or resolve. Or it may have become a compulsion, because porn is marketed in a way that leads a man from one type to the next until there is no way to get the same satisfaction from a healthy relationship with a real woman.

You don't have to accept porn as part of your relationship. You don't. Even if other women find it acceptable or normal or even exciting, your relationship is between the two of you. You are not required to tolerate it.

If you cannot tolerate it, and your husband is into it, here is my advice. Do not make your husband out to be a bad person for wanting this form of entertainment or for succumbing to this compulsion. Instead, recognize that this is basically a disagreement. Find a Third Alternative. Respect his needs and offer to make sure they are met, just not this way.

A Third Alternative is one that pleases both of you, so you must do the work of learning what makes porn attractive to your husband at this point in his life. If you really want to know (and there is no other way to get to your Third Alternative), you must ask your questions non-judgmentally. Your goal is to find a way for him to get whatever he gets from porn without turning you off or making you feel disrespected or unloved like porn does.

There is a good chance that will be a lot easier than you imagine. If it's not, please find a therapist or clergy member who is comfortable talking about sex to help the two of you.

Keep in mind that "he stops looking at porn" meets only your half of the criteria for a Third Alternative. It also lacks the important half of any plan to kick a habit, the substitute for when the urge or opportunity comes up.

If you are not familiar with the steps to finding a Third Alternative, please check out my "How to find third alternatives" page. This is a powerful tool for every disagreement with the man who promised to love you for the rest of your life but doesn't always know how to do it.

Comments

Eighteen months ago, after 33 years of marriage, I discovered my husband had been viewing online porn several times a week for a period of five years. I presented my discovery to him and we discussed it to a degree. He said it was no big deal, it was just curiosity that led him to seek it out, and porn was almost impossible to avoid due to all the links available online. I told him it was a big deal to me, that it upset me and why. I gave him an article to read about how a husband’s porn habits may affect his wife so he would know my reaction was normal. He said, “I am sorry if I hurt you,” and said he will not view it anymore.

I believe he has kept his word and is not actively into porn anymore. We are trying to spend more time together. I can tell by his little acts of service that he is trying to be a good husband. For reasons I almost understand in my head but cannot easily explain, our sex life has improved.

However, every day I am plagued with unbidden thoughts and questions that fill my head. Anything can set them off. The sight of a beautiful scantily clad actress on TV or a pretty young woman in a tank top at the grocery store makes me wonder if he would have lustful thoughts about them that would cause him to think about porn. Or, I get frustrated by memories from earlier in our marriage when he didn’t like that I tried to turn him on by dressing provocatively for him in the privacy of our own home. His explanation at the time was that if I did it for him, I could do it for someone else. Yet, he enjoyed his Charlie’s Angels and Baywatch TV time, his friend’s Playboy magazines, and Kiana Tom’s Flex Appeal exercise show on ESPN. Google her, it was soft core porn at its finest.

Back then, a few times I tried to explain to him how those activities made me feel and how my body image plummeted. I was careful to use “I” messages and non-accusatory statements. However, he immediately became defensive and indicated there was something wrong with me for having those feelings and to “just deal with it.” I believe my husband never connected these interactions with the deterioration of our sex life. As a result, I closed down inside and went about the business of child rearing and told myself I didn’t care. I now believe that was a mistake.

Fast forward 30 years. The porn discovery caused mass confusion in my brain. Countless suppressed feelings popped up out of nowhere. Inside, I still have the feelings of my 28-year-old self in her young slender body. Outside, I am a 56-year-old woman slowly turning soft and wrinkled! I am still fairly slender, but come on, who am I kidding? How I can appeal to my husband after he has viewed hundreds or thousands of beautiful young women’s taut bodies? These thoughts seem to be the cause of an undercurrent of anxiety running through my mind.

I have a strong need to explain these feelings to my husband. The couple times I broached the subject, he immediately became defensive and clammed up. So I dropped it. I keep the feelings to myself, but I fear this is the same ineffective mistake I made in the past.

Outwardly, everything presently appears fine and our marriage seems to be better than it had been. But, I think in order to really get our marriage back on track, I need to talk these things over with my husband. I want to know what made porn attractive to him. I want to know why it wasn’t okay for me, his wife, to be provocative and sexy for him, but it was okay for him to view other women behaving in much more sexually explicit ways. I want to tell him that I wanted to be the one who turned him on, I didn’t want others doing it. Even though I couldn’t put my finger on the correct term back then, I want him to know it made me feel unloved when he preferred TV to me, and when he viewed porn.

After 18 months, is it too late to explain myself and ask these questions of him and expect his understanding and answers? It seems to me the only way to get closure of the past and be able to move on to finally having a wonderful marriage. I constantly live in the present with these questions and the anxiety they cause, but I think he would view the questions as dredging up the past and refuse to talk about them.

Thank you, Patty, for giving me a place to air my concerns and ask questions. There is no one in my personal life I can talk to about all this.

Hi, Lilian. I am sorry you continue to wrestle with the porn issue. As you know, I have three powerful tools I bring to all such problems.

The first is Assume Love. If you temporarily let go of all your concerns that you might be living with someone who doesn't really adore you and your body and want to stay with you, how might you explain his choices?

- What might make a man who's quite in love with his wife turn down the opportunity to see her in provocative clothing, even though he looks when TV characters dress this way?

- What might make a man whose wife turned her attention from sex to child-rearing look at some of the porn available on the internet and TV, if he really loved her and wanted to remain her husband?

- What might make a man who apologized and stopped looking at porn refuse to discuss with the wife he loves what made that porn exciting to view?

These are tough questions to consider. It's very hard to get out of our heads and into theirs, to recognize men have morality issues, body image issues, performance issues, and aging issues in addition to their libidos. When you're dealing with what TV does to women, it's hard to see what it's also doing to our men. And if your brain doesn't get any pleasure center boost from imagery, you may need to think about accidentally indulging yourself more than you intended on cookies, cigarettes, or TV shopping shows to see how porn grabs a guy's attention, even though he's not thrilled with his choice.

It is very important to get yourself away from those other thoughts (the what does it mean about us questions) and muddle about for a while in questions of what it means if you are still madly loved.

OK. Second tool: Expect Love. Every expectation is a premeditated resentment. If you are getting love, and your sex life is improving, and you feel safe from more porn, give some thought to any other expectation. There is nothing wrong with asking, as long as it is OK for him to say no. If cannot say no without losing your respect or gaining your resentment, it's an expectation. Keep them to a minimum if you can.

Third tool: Find Third Alternatives. Your first two are avoid talking about it (his preference) and talk about it until you can put this past grievance out of your head (yours). You can both have what you want, but first you need to be a lot clearer about what that is. For him, I expect he would like to avoid saying anything negative about you or hearing any criticism from you. You can most likely get what you need without either of those. But you need to get clear on what you need.

Talking is the means to the end. So is an understanding of porn's effects on your husband. What's the end you hope for? Is it another apology, based on his understanding that you were hurting more than you let on? I expect you can get this without reading off the list of charges, as he seems to be working on a stronger relationship with you. Is it an image of yourself as a sexy woman? Why not just ask him to help you achieve this, without tying it to anything in the past? Is it a stronger bond between the two of you? By all means, share this intention with him and brainstorm ways to achieve it. Is it a better tool set for your sex life? Why not discuss ways to learn new tricks, instead of discussing why he likes different things from the women he watches and the woman he actually has sex with?

Thanks, Patty, for suggesting ways apply your three tools to my situation. I have read your comments several times and have been thinking about them. I need to figure out exactly what end I hope for. It may be a combination of the four you mention.

It is very difficult to shed previous ways of thinking and the "what does it mean about us" questions, but I think I can do it if I concentrate and work hard at it.

It might help matters if I could be sure I am madly loved by my husband and I could be sure I love him. Hopefully, over time, each of us will feel loved by the other.

Lilian, you have put your finger on the crux of most marriage problems:
"It might help matters if I could be sure I am madly loved by my husband and I could be sure I love him."

I spent years pursuing this goal. That morning I woke up a widow, revisiting all my complaints and fears from the day before, it suddenly hit me. You will never know if you are madly loved by your husband. But if you are not, living as if you feel madly loved by him is probably your only shot at changing his heart. And if you are madly loved, living as if you feel madly loved by him is probably the only way you can properly reward him.

Loving him? That is a choice, not something outside your control. You will feel the love when you notice that loving him makes his life happier, sunnier, easier or when you notice how much he deserves your love.

Protect yourself from any real harm (violence, financial ruin, emotional beatings). But stop protecting yourself from the possibility that he doesn't love you. It sucks all the joy out of your perception of your relationship, even if everything is just fine.

Dear Lilian:
I read your post and it was like reading exactly what happened to me. Four and a half years ago, when we were nearly 33 years married I found out that my husband has been looking at porn on the internet for years, and I was totally clueless. He is a wonderful husband in every way. And to me he has been my Prince Charming since the day we met in 1970. We have a wonderful sex life, and everyone deserves a second chance. BUT my whole world as I knew it has changed for me. I cry by myself constantly, I have trust issues, my whole life has made a 180 degree turn and it is killing me. My most important things in life are Faith, Love, Trust and Respect. And all those have crumbled, yes they can be glued back but the cracks will be forever there. It took me by shock and surprise, I was totally CLUELESS of all. It is a heavy burden on my heart.

Dear Lourdes,
Thank you for sharing your experience with me. While it helps to know I am not the only one affected in such a way by my husband’s porn use, I am sorry you have this heavy burden on your heart. I know firsthand how the shock & surprise of such a discovery punches right in the gut. And, it punches over and over, every time the thought of it comes to mind. I understand how difficult it is to deal with the despair and hurt feelings deep inside while going about your daily life on the surface.

Question: Has your husband discontinued viewing porn? If not, be sure to read the earlier post that Patty links to at the beginning of this one. The article and the comments and Patty’s replies are a wealth of helpful information. If your husband has stopped, I believe this is a way he has shown his love for you. An online friend of mine, whose husband continues to view porn despite her pleas for him to stop, once told me it is “huge” that my husband stopped when he learned how much it bothered me. I try to remember this when thoughts of his porn habit wreak havoc on my mind.

For many months after discovering my husband’s porn use, I scoured the internet for information on why men view it and how their habit affects their wives. I needed affirmation that I wasn’t alone in my feelings. I discovered Assume Love and, over time, I realized Patty’s words here were the most helpful to me. Reading about her perspective of assuming love opened my eyes to a whole new way of looking at my husband and my marriage. It hasn’t necessarily been easy for me to put this new perspective into practice. Some days it takes my utmost concentration and effort to remember to assume love. Some days I fail miserably. But, I keep working at it because it gives me hope for the future.

Remembering to count my blessings also helps to keep negative thoughts at bay. I remind myself to be thankful for what is good in my life and that there are probably countless others who would gladly take my problems over their own.

Lourdes, I hope you find something that works for you. Maybe reading Patty’s posts on Expect Love and Assume Love will help. Maybe some of the other information she recommends will be helpful to you. Maybe you will find something else. Just don’t give up. I hope that over time your crumbled Faith, Love, Trust and Respect will be glued together and one day you will discover that any cracks have gradually diminished in size until they are barely noticeable.

I am sure Lourdes and many others will benefit from your reply, Lilian.

Heavy use of internet porn turns out to cause erectile dysfunction that can be overcome with time but not with pill. And the problem is worse for men who have had access to it since their teen years. You may want to have a look at Gary Wilson's Your Brain on Porn site for more information if porn is disrupting your marriage.

Thank you Lilian for your update, you have no idea how much both you and patty have helped. There are days when I feel better, and others when I don't. It is me, I know. My husband has not looked at porn since we discussed this almost 5 years ago. But I have a lot of issues to work out for myself, on trust and respect. Sometimes I feel stupid, sometimes I feel angry and betrayed. He is the best of husbands in every way. This just was something that never occurred to me and took me by shock! Thank you both a lot. Love, Lourdes

Lourdes, maybe they are not so much issues you need to work out as a disagreement between your two ways of looking at things -- especially if you have not been able to work them out in five years.

Maybe you are trying to talk yourself into accepting what you cannot accept or into compromising on principles. What you might try instead is going for a Third Alternative, an approach that satisfies both of you.

The starting point would be this: "Dear husband, I truly want to trust and respect you fully, as I did when we married.You deserve this. But what we have tried so far has not worked, even though we both want the same thing and you have done what we both hoped would work. Can we sit down and brainstorm some new approaches? I want to grow in trust and respect, and I want to do it without shaming or hurting you. I need your ideas and your guidance on this."

This is where you figure out what it would take to make a solution work for each of you. Once you know what you're looking for (which might take two or three sessions to figure out), you start brainstorming, listing ideas on paper to come back to later, no judgements yet.

When you begin to run out of ideas, you start hotdogging, throwing out the most outrageous, over-the-top ideas that occur to you, belly laughs allowed. Sometimes there is a golden nugget in one of these that moves you onto a whole new line of thinking.

I am betting there is something you or he or the two of you together can do that will restore your trust and your respect for this man who has tried for five years to give you what he thinks ought to restore them.

I'm suffering from sex & porn addiction, my fiancee jokes about it but I feel its serious now, all we do is argue over having sex, I watch so much porn when I'm stressed or not receiving what I need sexually from her, sometimes I watch porn like its a movie without even becoming aroused. She feels all I want from her is sex and I barely touch her or look at her without being sexual....I need help but I'm ashamed to tell anyone.

Internet porn has been fine-tuned to addict viewers and sell them more and more expensive access. Addiction is not something you can handle on your own.

To learn more about this subject, I urge you to listen to any of Mark Laaser's talks at the Smart Marriages Conferences. Listen with your fiancee. And then visit his website, http://www.faithfulandtrue.com/, or find a local therapist, ashamed or not. This is nothing to ruin your life and hers with.

I have been with my fiance for 5 yrs. From the begining he told me porn did nothing for him.... Then when I was pregnant with our son I noticed he would spend alot more time in the bathroom or up late while I slept. I walked in on him watching.porn on his smart phone. I just let it go. 2yrs later I find something very hurtful, he has been watching porn 5/6 times a week for a year or more.... While in that year we had sex 4/5 times, so he was using porn to substitute me. At first I thought because I gain so much weight while prego, but I dont think so. And it makes me wander if our whole 5yrs has been a distrustful lie. I dont know. Everytime I bring it up, its my fault because I dont do what he likes enough(alothough I do for him what I can with 4 kids in the home) I just dont know, we have gotten nowhere, he denies everything evrrtime I bring it up even though I have proof. I feel lost and unwanted and dont know what to do.

You cannot improve your marriage by arguing over whether he's looking at porn or not. Whatever you feel you're not getting because he's looking or because he's being untruthful about it? Ask for that.

And, just in case he's joined the millions of men who get caught in an awful loop of turning to porn to fix a problem that is actually caused by porn, ask him to take a look at this website: http://yourbrainonporn.com/ and offer to be there for him if it hits home.

If he wants your help, and you happen to be a Christian, check out Dr. Mark Laaser's helpful site: http://www.faithfulandtrue.com/. If you want to hear what he has to say without the religious parts, try his Smart Marriages conference talks instead. Dr. Laaser knows an awful lot about this topic.

I too have found my husband with his cell phone watching porn in the bathroom at night while (he thought) I was asleep.
And I know he watches porn on that cell phone on a regular if not daily basis. He will watch when I leave the house, in the morning, and any time I have left for errands, etc.
This has been going on for years.
Years of marriage. Few days after we got married, he left for work and there were porn videos downloaded on the computer that he forgot to delete.
This happened many times over several months. The images and the shock of that discovery are burnt into my memory forever.
I talked to him about it and he did not know what to say about it at first. Then he told me it was a guy thing. There was nothing to worry about. I was ready to leave him I was so broken hearted. Then he apologized, said it was an old habbit and he would stop for me.
Caught him again several times until I did not know what to think or say anymore. I felt lost and numb to the core. I felt inadequate, ugly, betrayed, worthless, hurt, angry.
I stayed. I didn't know what else to do at first and then I thought I would beat this habbit. Kick it right out of my husband. I thought I would be better than porn. I would show him.
Years later, he still watches porn. I am devastated inside. And I am hiding my feelings. I get panic attacks. I see a therapist. I have wanted to change my body physically because I thought maybe somehow this would fix me and him. I asked him what he likes. I was ready to do anything for him. Then I would get this feeling of disgust and would not want to be with him.
I thought I would kick the habbit out of him over time. I was really sure.
I tried to settled with the idea. I thought maybe it is a guy thing and I am making a big deal out of it. And him lying to me is OK on some level.
I compartmented.
I did not want the roller coaster of doubting myself every other day anymore.
We had a daughter. A beautiful amazing daughter.
And I got so worried about him watching more porn with me being pregnant then nursing and being a new mother.
It has been such soul and mental torture.
All my love, my dedication, a beautiful daughter and a beautiful life have not made a difference.
He has lied to my face, told me he does not do this anymore, that he is not "some scum bag". And that he has not cheated on me.
I get compliments and looks from other men. I think I am attractive, my girlfriends tell me so, and men do look at me. My husband tells me I'm beautiful and I am everything he's ever wanted.
I have considered that he might be addicted or have a compulsion to watch porn but still loves me. If that's possible.
I have had this naive vision and perception of love and marriage where I would love him wholeheartedly and he would too, and there would be no lies and we would be everything to each other.
Now I feel my heart is shattered in tiny little pieces. I love my daughter so much and I think of her and what she may go through one day. My husband has taught her about telling the truth and how it is important to not lie and I had to hold back from asking him to stop, that day. And this makes me sad.

Jen, I am so sorry for your pain.

First, I want to assure you of one thing. The fact that your husband watches porn says nothing more about what he thinks of you and your body than your watching NCIS or Sponge Bob Squarepants says about what you want in a husband. It is a form of entertainment.

And it happens to be a highly addicting one. Those who sell it over the internet use all the same techniques that other marketers use to figure out what to offer each of their customers to keep them buying. As a result, men end up watching stuff they never would have imagined they could stand to watch.

It is very intentional addiction, deliberately messing with their customers' brain chemistry over time. Stopping is not like stopping TV watching, which would be hard enough for most of us. Stopping after several years in the hands of these internet porn junkies will be quite distracting from just about everything else and pretty stressful, along the lines of quitting smoking, maybe even harder. Your husband may have tried and failed several times, hoping to keep his promise to you.

This is why I urge those who hope to rebuild a relationship with their husband to see it through his eyes. He thought going in that "it's a guy thing." He probably had no idea how harmful it is or how difficult it is to end. It is strength, not shame, that will bring him out the other side. As his wife, you have a lot of influence over whether he feels shame or feels strong and ready to fight this.

I want to send you to two helpful websites. The first is http://yourbrainonporn.com. The second is http://www.faithfulandtrueministries.com/. Both of these men understand pornography very well and work with men all the time to help them see the damage it does and to help them "detox" from it.

Please help me! I dont know what to do. Ive been married a year and it hasnt been the best year. On his stag do, 2 weeks before our wedding he went to strip club. Something he knew i didnt want and ever since my world has been shattered. I became suspicious and checked his smart phone and found that he had also been watching porn. It love him so much and i married him, now i dont know why? Since discovering he has been watching porn i have checked his phone constantly and seen everytime hes done it even when ive been at home and our sons. Ive just been trying to cope with it but my self confidence has taken an awful battering, i wish i was dead. Today is the final straw, after taking the morning off work and having sex as soon as the tyres on my car left the front of the house he was watching porn. I asked him if i could look at facebook on his phone and then i checked. I can see the time he searched 'youjizz' on his phone 12.40pm, i left for work 5 mins before. My heart is broken! I honestly can not see how a man can love someone and then be able to look at someone else, in my world that is not love. Right now, if i didnt have my children to think about i dont think i would be with him anymore. I feel so betrayed, hurt, ulgy and dangerously angry like i could kill someone. I understand a man has needs but 5 mins after i left for work and after we had just had sex a few hours before, ive never been so hurt. I dont know what to do? Ive tryed to talk to him, i dont get anywere, he doesnt even like to talk about sex. I feel my only option is to move on, im obviously not enough for him and im not going to live my life having a panic attack everytime he takes his smart phone to the bathroom.

Lucy Loo, this is not about his "needs," and it is not about your sexiness or beauty. It is a very popular form of entertainment for men before they marry and, for many, it continues after they marry. With the advent of the internet's ability to track his use of it, they can now fine-tune it to addict a man to this form of entertainment, to crave it with the same ferocity a drug addict craves a drug. And, most unfortunately, it can lead to erectile dysfunction in men too young to expect it, often leading them to seek more porn, not less.

You do not need to accept it, but it helps to understand it, so you are not so awfully harmed by it. Indeed, many men can and do love their wives and look at porn or visit strip clubs. You cannot imagine doing such a thing to someone you love, but he cannot imagine how strongly it affects you. Men think differently from us women, not just because of how they are raised but also because they have different chemistry from us. Think about it: he probably fell in love with you even though he had easy access to porn. He was thrilled you entered his life, even though he could easily look at a hundred other women performing a strip tease for him. You are his preference. He chose you.

I doubt it is his intention to insult or harm you. And there is another way men are very different from women. Respect matters a lot. If he's doing something he sees lots of other men doing -- and perhaps something he can no longer stop himself from doing without help -- and he loses your respect because of it, he is likely to feel pretty much the way you feel about discovering he wants to look at other women when he's got you to look at: devastated, and self-protective instead of loving.

So now you two are in what Emerson Eggerichs calls the Crazy Cycle, in which nothing gets better and lots can get worse. It's a horribly painful place to be. And it doesn't stop when you divorce if you still have children to raise together. It's well worth stopping the Crazy Cycle while you're still married, even if you eventually decide you cannot find a way to live with each other because of it.

So my suggestion is to get to know more about porn by checking out those websites I linked to in my earlier comments. (Don't worry -- they won't make you look at any or try to convince you it's no big deal.) Learn enough that you can have a calm and intelligent conversation with your husband in which you make it clear you want to love him and to be loved by him, but you are unable to do so while he's entertaining himself this way, no matter how "normal" it might seem to him. And do it in a way that says you respect him, even though you cannot tolerate this one thing he does.

But please understand this is not about his "needs" as a male, and it is not about your sexiness or beauty or his feelings for you. I don't want you to feel all that pain. Truly, he is not looking at porn or strippers because you are not enough. He is doing it for entertainment, and he is quite possibly "hooked" on it now and unable to give it up without finding a reserve of strength that he is probably using right now to defend his choice. From all the comments I get from men on this blog, I am fairly certain your husband has little idea of how close he is to losing his wife. And he probably won't hear the message until he realizes you still respect him, if not this one behavior, and still want his love.

Please help need some advice . I've been married for 14 years . My husband has always been caught watching porn. I dont approve of him watching it. I've always felt that it made him want to go out. And find some one that looked like them .So that has been one of our biggest problems . He has cheated on me with other women and has been caught talking to girls on the internet. So I have my reasons why I don't want him watching porn . Now that we've been together for so long I've told him that if he wants to watch it to do it when I'm not around . I hate that if he watches porn he wants to touch me .it makes me feel like I can't even turn him on and makes me feel that I'm not good enough for him. Is it ok for my husband to watch porn right after we have sex . I feel like it wasn't good enough he just gone done seeing my body and now he's watching porn. It really makes fell bad. Can you please give me some advice about this question . Or can other women give their opinion. I really need to hear what other women think .my husband Says that I'm the only one that thinks that way.I need to grow up. This is all disrespect to me as his wife.

Angel, you don't have to accept porn as part of your relationship. You don't. Even if other women find it acceptable or normal or even exciting, your relationship is between the two of you. You are not required to tolerate it.

You might want to read this (http://yourbrainonporn.com/doing-what-you-evolved-to-do) or watch this (http://yourbrainonporn.com/garys-tedx-talk-great-porn-experiment) and encourage your husband to do so, too.

His behavior affects you, but it is not about you, and no matter what you did to your appearance, you could not compete with it. I really hope you will let yourself off the hook on that one.

And there is nothing grown up about accepting a behavior that can lead to ADHD, depression, memory problems, and erectile dysfunction for the man you love and self-esteem problems for you.

My fianceemail watches porn every day, he tells me that he doesn't but I look at his history and there it is clear as day, we have had a lot of arguments over it and now I don't bother saying anything to him about it but it is having an affect on our sex life and it gets me down knowing he would rather watch that than have sex - I feel like I'm at my wits end with it and don't know if I can continue with our relationship if he carrys on watching it - if you have any advice on how to stop him from watching it that would be great I don't know what else to do

You are not married to this man. Unless you have created children together, you are still in that period where you are sizing up each other's character to decide if this really is the sort of person you can promise to stand by through better or worse, sickness or health, wealth or poverty. You don't trust him. You don't respect his privacy. He is willing to lie to continue doing something he knows upsets you and harms your sex life. This is no way for either of you to enter into marriage -- or to start a family, whether intentionally or accidentally.

I think a conversation with him that begins like this might help:
"Your porn watching has already affected our sex life, my respect for your privacy, my ability to trust what you say, and your ability to tell me the truth. It is either a habit you value more than our relationship or an addiction. There is no hope for us as a couple unless it is an addiction and one you are willing to put an end to. Would you please take a look at yourbrainonporn.com or faithfulandtrue.com and let me know if there is any hope or if it is time to say goodbye?"

I have read all of the comments and answers on this site and sadly, I am in the same situation as many of these women. I have been with my man for just over 3 years. We are not married, but have lived together for the past (over) 2 yrs. I have been madly in love with him from the start and still feel that we are a great couple, but we have this issue. This is essentially the only issue we have (porn) and I am struggling with making a decision if it is worth leaving the relationship over or not.

Like I said, we are highly compatible, I've not felt this strongly about anyone before, and we have a great sex life. We have sex probably 4-8 times a week and from the very beginning, I have made it a point that I would always be "available" for him sexually any day and time. And for the most part have done my best to do a "variety" of things that make him happy.

Anyway, like many women here, I have found that my man will view porn videos or naked pictures almost daily. I understand when men do this when they are single or not getting any in their relationship, but that's not the case here. So, I don't understand why he does it. We have gone round and round for a year and a half arguing about this. Several times he's said he would quit, but it is just a lie, he just gets better at hiding it.

Over and over and over I have told him how it makes me feel (and by reading this site, I know I am not alone or crazy), but he just says that essentially that is a self-esteem problem of my own. I have gotten absolutely nowhere in talking with him. About 6 months ago I took a different approach. As I am trying very very hard to be ok with his "habit" I asked him if he would share with me some of the things he looks at. He said he would and never did. Two months after that, I reminded him, he said he remembered, but still never shared. Two months ago I reminded him of this yet again and very clearly explained that I was trying to get through this and why I thought him sharing would help and was very thorough in my explanation that I felt it would really help me to start feeling ok with this. He PROMISED to share what he was viewing. He broke his promise within a few hours. Five days later I sent him an email of specific scenarios (like a mini play) of him sharing so that he knew exactly what I meant by "sharing". He re-broke that promise within days. The next week I sent 3 more scenarios to cover all situations and how I was hoping it would look like when he shared what he viewed and again, he denied having even looked at anything since his promise. This was a total lie.

About 2 weeks later, when he knew I knew, he just gave up. He made up some big lie saying that he has just been pulling up porn as an experiment to see if I would be acting emotional when he got home. I suppose I forgot to mention he pulls up his porn in the car on the hour drive to and from work. Anyway, he said he wasn't really watching it, he was just running an experiment on me to figure out how I know that he's looking at porn. Blablabla... My take on that argument was that he knew he had been caught, and he knew, that I knew he had totally broken the promise he made.

He is sooo completely desperate to view porn and naked pics that he lies and deceives and sneaks around and is very secretive about everything involving it. About 2 weeks ago, we had another big blowout about it where he said that he was so mad about the whole topic, and that I had ruined porn for him and that he would never do it again because he did not in any way want to share it with me and he was quitting just to spite me. Yes, it doesn't make sense. That's because it was another lie. It was him trying to pretend that he was quitting so that he didn't have to hold to the promise he made, and in the meantime, he would just find another sneakier medium to get at it.

Well, yes, he did--he found porn on instagram (yes, its there too). He was having trouble with his account and made a second and then a 3rd and spent hours getting the accounts straight and (unhackable--he thinks I am hacking him or something--quite funny). He is so DESPERATE to have porn in his life that he continually goes to these desperate extents.

Herein lies the problem: As one could easily guess, I obviously feel that he values porn videos and naked pics of gorgeous models over this relationship. He is a very strong and stubborn man and just the fact that he knows I don't like it has made him dig his heels in and be more stubborn about it. My problem is: is this the kind of man I want in my life? To share my life with? As I said in the beginning, without the porn issue, we have a fantastic relationship and I am crazy about him and he tells me all the time he is very in love with me. He constantly tells me how sexy I am and how he loves our sex life. (And yes, I AM sexy and beautiful, I used to be a model, but now I'm in my 40's and obviously not as gorgeous as the 20yo nude models).

The "talk" about this topic is over. There is nowhere else to go. I know that if I give him an ultimatum, he will choose to let me leave rather than bend on what he thinks should not be an issue.

I have watched all those videos previously mentioned on this site and about a year ago even sent them to him and of course he picks them apart saying he's not addicted, that addiction to porn is a farse, that he has no "problems" from it, etc. There is no way of convincing him of anything like that. Like I said, I have no more conversation left in me to offer, and just want to cry every time he pops on his porn and then later comes pawing on me for release. It frankly is starting to sicken me and has badly affected the love that I feel for him. On a momentary basis, it puts me in a little mini depression (mood funk), but on a longer term basis it makes me question if I could even stay with a man who can't put my feelings above his habit.

I believe he uses porn to get a little charge a few times a day and then when we have sex the orgasm is more powerful because of the several charge-ups during the day without release. But as so many other women here have stated, his lusting over other internet women for his charge-ups really hurts me emotionally. (See everyone else's comments--all that.) So what do I do? I am crazy about him and I know he loves me as well. Do I figure out some way to accept this? Can I even do this? Do I throw away an otherwise great relationship because of this one thing. No, he doesn't cheat, but yes, I do have trust issues because of his constant lying on this. Please help. We don't have kids together, but both have kids from the past and our families have been integrated as if we are married. There is more at stake than just me moving out and finding another man. And--I do love him (but, yea, that's diminishing with this issue). Help.

Watermelon Gal, it is entirely possible that porn matters a lot to him and his viewing is under his control. If it is not, and he's addicted, caught up in the deliberate manipulation of porn vendors that ultimately leads to wrecking his ability to enjoy live sex or sustain a relationship, your sampling his pleasure with him to try to reduce your dismay with it won't help.

Broken promises, repeated lies, risking his life and others to watch while driving, and a "self-esteem problem" he's done nothing about in a year and a half suggest it may be the latter.

The short definition of addiction on the American Society of Addiction Medicine's website is this:

"Addiction is a primary, chronic disease of brain reward, motivation, memory and related circuitry. Dysfunction in these circuits leads to characteristic biological, psychological, social and spiritual manifestations. This is reflected in an individual pathologically pursuing reward and/or relief by substance use and other behaviors.

"Addiction is characterized by inability to consistently abstain, impairment in behavioral control, craving, diminished recognition of significant problems with one’s behaviors and interpersonal relationships, and a dysfunctional emotional response. Like other chronic diseases, addiction often involves cycles of relapse and remission. Without treatment or engagement in recovery activities, addiction is progressive and can result in disability or premature death."

From their longer definition:

"When...one engages non-pathologically in potentially addictive behaviors such as gambling or eating, one may experience a 'high', felt as a 'positive' emotional state associated with increased dopamine and opioid peptide activity in reward circuits. After such an experience, there is a neurochemical rebound, in which the reward function does not simply revert to baseline, but often drops below the original levels....

"[I]n addiction, persons [who have developed a tolerance to the high] repeatedly attempt to create a 'high'--but what they mostly experience is a deeper and deeper 'low.' While anyone may 'want' to get 'high', those with addiction feel a 'need' to use the addictive substance or engage in the addictive behavior in order to try to resolve their dysphoric emotional state or their physiological symptoms of withdrawal. Persons with addiction compulsively use even though it may not make them feel good, in some cases long after the pursuit of 'rewards' is not actually pleasurable."


It takes a good deal of strength to seek help to stop pursuing relief from that unpleasant emotional state, more and more strength as they dig themselves deeper into the mud. This often takes recognition of how much additional pain and loss they face if they don't choose the pain of stopping their unproductive pursuit of the rewards.

No one else can make the decision for them, and no one else can bring the needed strength to the task. But those who love an addict can avoid taking personally the addict's relationship-destroying choices while they state the consequences of continued addiction and stick to them. This action also requires strength, because it puts the decision about whether to continue an intimate relationship with a loved one in the hands of an addict.

I wish you both strength.


Hello,

I have been married four years to a truly wonderful man. He is kind, thoughtful and my best friend. We seem like the perfect match and yet we have had our problems. Before we got married we talked openly about what we expected in a marriage including our sex lives. We waited until our wedding night...

Anyway about a month prior to our wedding I stumbled onto the fact he looks at porn. It was apart of our discussion on what equals respect in a marriage and I made it clear I didnt want that to be apart our lives. My father cheated on my mother with a woman from the internet and what led him there was porn. So I expressed I couldn't trust someone that viewed porn.

It was super hurtful to see he was watching porn. He lied to my face about it multiple times. I told him if he couldn't be honest now we couldn't start a life together.

He broke down, told the truth, we talked it out and I felt that we were moving on from it. Fast forward to a year and half and our sex life is not active at all. Dead bedroom. I tried many mainstream things to spice things up but no response. We talk it out again and he says he is depressed ect. We prayed together, did lots of things together, talked more and then bam using his phone when mine was broke and I am faced again with porn. He denies, cries, claims it wasn't him, that his phone has a virus.

I know he is lying but I don't want to end things I love him. I try to understand did some research. Things get better in the bedroom. Well here we are at year four and I am miserable.

He gets upset at me if I touch his phone, I don't snoop as I want to trust him. Each time I have found porn on his electronics its been by accident. Well now I am worried he isn't just looking at porn.

I decided to snoop, I couldn't take it with his over reactions to my touching his phone. What could he have to hide? Apparently a second facebook and twitter account, andan email to himself with a link to a porn site, a second email account I dont know the password to and a hidden web browser used for private browsing. I am to scared to look further.

I am afraid of what I will find. I also don't know how to bring it up if I even did as this time I truly did invade his privacy. Am I being crazy for suspecting him of something more? I don't like him looking at porn but if he could keep it under control to where I did not find it or have it affect our bedroom activities I think I could move forward. However, hidden accounts? Oh and he applied for a big line of credit he never told me about but I open the mail and saw his rejection letter. That one turned into a fight as we had just talked about no more debt. He has over 15k in credit card debt.

When we talk things out we are calm, he agrees and then thats it. I worry I cant trust him anymore.

Yet, he never yells at me, mistreats me in any other way. He calls me his princess, and does little things for me or takes amazing care of me when I am sick(I have some health troubles). I know he is a good man, and I love him yet I dont feel I can trust him right now.

It definitely sounds like your husband has a real problem with this stuff, lilmiss. When someone is willing to lie to their spouse and put their spouse in debt to cover up an interest, it's not just an interest. It's usually a compelling addiction, and they are desperately trying to keep their spouse's respect while losing control over their ability to choose their actions.

Here are some other helpful resources:
http://yourbrainonporn.com/
http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/
https://www.faithfulandtrue.com/

This page has some helpful tips for spouses:
http://www.feedtherightwolf.org/2010/04/my-husband-watches-porn-addicted-husband/

Because you two have battled over porn before, and because you have reason to connect it with infidelity (which is a pretty emotional issue), you might want to instead request your credit reports at https://www.annualcreditreport.com/ and ask his help in improving your score if his porn purchases are affecting your credit. Before you do, you might request itemized statements from any credit cards reporting negative events, which will legitimately give you even more info than your snooping did.

I know it sounds crazy to ask his help in solving your problem rather than demanding he stop creating it, but it makes sense. For men, for reasons of their hormonal makeup, respect is the foundation upon which all relationships rest. For women, it's love.

As a woman, you might say to your husband, "What difference does it make whether or not you respect me if you don't love me? There is no relationship without love, and I don't care what you think of me if there is no love."

For most men, it's the reverse. They don't want or care about your love unless they have your respect. And for anyone dealing with an addiction, it's very easy to suspect everyone else of having no respect for them. Asking for help with YOUR problem shows you still respect him and his character, even if his current behavior is driving you nuts.

It's a treatable addiction, and it's worth guiding him to some resources for ending it the moment he promises to stop those expenses. Let him know you understand it's not an easy request after reading those sites, and it's probably not a promise he can keep without some help from outside your marriage. Then give him the addresses to visit for himself and ask him to try something different this time.

Thank you for writing this post and responding to all these comments. It is so helpful to see all these stories.

My husband has been dealing with trying not to watch porn for a couple years now. When I first found out, I was unsure if it was acceptable for our relationship or not. I actually tried watching porn with him, but it only made me uncomfortable. I wanted to enjoy it, but I couldn't.

There were several times later when he watched porn and I "caught" him, and several times where he watched porn and, because he felt so guilty about it, told me. He doesn't want to watch it, but says there are times when he feels he has no control.

We've been seeing a couples counselor, he's been seeing a counselor by himself to work through the deep insecurities he has (#1 he had an incredibly difficult adolescence--his parents made him feel very guilty and shameful about his developing, normal, teen-age sexuality #2 his father has a history of sexual/ relational problems) and he also went to one sex addicts meeting. He came back from the meeting a complete wreck, having to say "I am a sex addict" was a terrifying experience. It's strange--on the one hand I want him to go to the meetings and face this issue, but on the other hand I don't even know if I believe he has an addiction. I think he has insecurities and things he needs to work through, but does he really need to call himself an addict? It seems like such a harsh label--one that is destroying him. I have never seen him as anxious and depressed as he has been since he went to the meeting. It is scary for me to see him so fragile and on edge. He can barely keep it together from day to day. I don't know how long we can go like this.

I also feel like his "addiction" is so small--he barely watches anything, he tells me when he does, sometimes he doesn't even watch porn but just reads erotica--but we are going through hell trying to figure out what to do. My reactions to his porn watching have been traumatic for him (I've called him scum, I've told him I hate him and never want him to look at me or touch me ever again, I've threatened to leave) and I fear that I've compounded the situation to the point of irreversibility. We have hurt each other so badly. I fear that if only my reactions would have been less harsh, he never would have gone to the SA meeting and we could be on the path to recovery. As it is, I feel like he is destroying himself from the inside out from shame and guilt.

I also feel like this is a more complex situation than people give it credit. Is it okay to say that I don't know if porn is objectively bad? I know there are ways to create/ distribute porn that are fair and safe for all involved, and what if that's okay? Porn is not healthy for our relationship right now, but does that make my husband a sex addict? How can I support him going through this trauma when I have caused some of it? How can I care for him without losing myself?

In one specific instance, I told him I needed to disconnect from the situation to take care of my own needs. He couldn't believe I needed to disconnect--he couldn't believe I would use that word. Is he right for feeling hurt by that? Am I right for needing to take care of myself? I feel like we are both right, but how, then, do we actually interact with each other?

We've hurt each other so badly that sometimes I wonder if we can continue to be together. I love him so much and I know he loves me, but how do we move past this? He is falling apart and taking me with him. I don't want to fall into depression and despair, but I don't want to leave him to his issues alone.

I am sorry this is so long! This is the first time I found a porn thread that didn't feel judgmental, overly religious, and accepting of both the porn watcher and the partner. This is a complicated issue, and so many people lump things into black and white categories that I know are not helpful. Thank you in advance for your listening "ear" and calm, loving words.

Needing Guidance, thank you for the feedback on this post. Sometimes I envy all my fellow bloggers whose religion tells them what's right and wrong with all the force of a pronouncement from God. My world is a lot less black-and-white.

Labeling your husband a sex addict sounds like a continuation of his unhealthy adolescence. It probably triggers an awful lot of confusing thoughts from those days.

Many who lack any education on the subject confuse sex addicts with sex offenders. In fact, only about 55% of sex offenders are sex addicts. And my guess would be that far, far fewer sex addicts are sex offenders. The statistics are hard to come by because addicts in legal trouble are much more likely to seek help.

But this may be the wrong group for your husband. What your husband describes is compulsion, being unable to control his behavior around porn. All sex addicts experience compulsive sexual thoughts and acts, not entirely unlike compulsive picture straightening, hand washing, or sidewalk crack avoidance. But what makes them addicts, according to the National Council on Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity, is "engaging in persistent and escalating patterns of sexual behavior acted out despite increasing negative consequences to self and others."

So far, the consequences have been his own guilt and his loss of your respect but not his marriage. What may have frightened him was hearing about those increasing negative consequences: enormous debt to finance porn purchases, multiple divorces, loss of access to their children, sexually transmitted diseases, fines, imprisonment, career and health problems because of all of these, etc., and being required to categorize himself with the others in the group. It may have been a ghost of Christmas Future experience, which would rattle any of us.

Unlike drug or alcohol addiction and a lot more like an overeating addiction, dealing with compulsive urges to masturbate or look at porn is not an all or nothing choice. A man must manage a healthy path down the middle, enjoying sex without losing control to compulsion, enjoying one sexual urge and denying another.

I think it's excellent that he's seeing a counselor, someone who can help him find and sustain this path and deal with the stresses and messed up beliefs that compel him to do something he knows is damaging his relationship with you. A wife can never replace a counselor for a problem that affects her, too.

It's also excellent that you are seeing a couples counselor. I hope this counselor is helping you distinguish between his choices about you and those other choices he makes for deep-seated reasons that take time to unravel. In the presence of this counselor, you might ask your husband if his private counseling has revealed any triggers for porn viewing that you should know about, so you can avoid adding to them.

I hope you saw the list of resources I gave lilmiss in the comments. I think all of them could be valuable for you, too.

For some couples, porn is just a difference in tastes to be worked out between them. But the moment anyone says they have no control and watch even though it makes them feel guilty, it's a compulsion interfering with your ability to love each other fully. And both of you deserve to be fully loved. So far, it sounds like the two of you are taking the right steps, and I wish you every bit of good luck and patience on your path.

It's funny as woman, a lot of us have such a strong sixth sense. My husband carried his phone EVERYWHERE with him. To the point where I knew as soon as he leaves it hanging around in moment of weakness, that phone was mine...something was just not right. Well one night he left it downstairs while he ran up to get changed. I grabbed the phone, checked messages first...nothing. Checked Facebook for anything, also nothing. I put the phone down. Then I heard that sixth sense kick in again saying keep looking. I picked up the phone once again and checked the history of his search engine (Internet) and bam! There it was, a porn web sight. My heart sank and naturally, I flipped out. I spent the next week unable to look or want to talk to him, instead sending awful texts ( but honest ones). He immediately got rid of his I-phone, and bought an old style, no internet access phone. He assured me he'll do anything to fix this. Part of my terms was therapy- which we are currently going through. I still hear the voices "can you believe he did this to you??!" "Can you believe yadda, yadda"....I had to (and am still learning) how to ignore/ shut that down, because it will eat you up and drive you crazy. He messed up....royally. Sadly, society leads people to believe this is ok, it's just sex. But it's not ok. It minimizes the intimacy between two people. The internet makes it so easy and the visions of my husband watching other woman sickens me. I am glad he chose to turn away from porn. I won't lie, I am worried that sooner or later he will be faced with the temptation once again and that he will want a phone down the road that will give him internet access, but I'm sure blocks can be placed. Trust is not there at this time- he is determined to prove otherwise. This is what we've learned so far: 1. Remove any porn, or any accessibility to get to porn (aka internet - if internet is needed can only access in front of spouse) nothing should be hidden from either spouse. 2. Talk about it - know it's ok to feel betrayed and spouse needs to own it in order to fix it. 3. People make mistakes. This is (hopefully) someone you so very love and want to grow old with- give them the chance to work this out, so both can heal. Lastly, do not stop loving each other. At first I was sickened to think of even holding my husbands hand, but it all came back because HE is proving to me how much he wants to work this out & how much he loves me. Now, Let's hope it stays that way....

Wishing you two much healing and a long, lasting love, Hurting.

men who have loving wives that treat them with respect and kindness, who treat their needs as important to them, those kinds of men don't watch porn because they don't need to.

if your man watches porn it's because you aren't doing a good enough job at being a wife.

it's ok though, most women aren't, it's normal. best thing you can do is apologize to him for failing to hold up your end and go about your day, maybe even do something to improve yourself for your marriage.

Thank you for your opinion, rawr.

Secretly viewing porn seems to me a terrible strategy for married men looking for more love, respect, kindness, or sex from their wives. The only way back to love is through love, which means identifying the difference in your opinions and looking together for a Third Alternative that pleases both husband and wife.

Me and my soon to be husband hit one hell of a snag in our... relationship. He has porn, and LOTS of it. Before I was okay with it, and we watched it together before we were dating; then we started to date and after a few days of daiting a letter came in from one of his ex's. It was about how she loved him and she wanted to have sex with him. He explained to me who she was and he never spoke to her again once he started daiting me. But right after that I started getting stubborn about porn and I asked him to get rid of some of it. (Just stuff we didn't like). He agreed. But slowly I started to notice that every were their was more and more porn. I even found a picture of a girls butt and asked him to get rid of it because it upset me so much, he threw a huge fit and said I was trying to erase his past... He keeps all of his pictures of his ex's, but refuses to take pictures with me. And I get that he was single for about 4 years before he met me, but he knows how much it upsets me now and he still fights with me about it calling me selfish. His best friend just calls me a walking vagina, and that I am nothing more than a sex toy for my husband. Also that I am the bottom of the barrel. When ever my husband looks at another woman I feel that she has something that I don't and he is searching for it in other people. He tells me he can live without porn and that when he looks at other girls he see's something that he wants me in... But... He also says that they are... pleasing to his view, but not in a sexual way. But he always looks at things with big breasted and big hips woman... I feel like I am not what he want's, even in the porn he looks for curvy (voluptuous) woman. with VERY big breasts and a VERY big, very nice butt. and then I get to look at myself in the mirror and cry myself to sleep. I have tried to explain it to him, but he just defends that porn means nothing to him, and that I am all that he really needs. But when I see other women now I get defensive and I believe that he is going to leave me for somebody prettier. He said he is trying to help me get back to where we were before, but when I make one tiny little step forward he assumes that I am 100% okay with porn again and he starts it up and looks again and then doesn't understand why I'm upset, then he yells at me saying I am pushing him away and that I need to get better other wise he is going to leave me. He even brought his parents into this, and they both say I need to get the hell over it and be okay with myself. But if he looks, am I not good enough?? Why would he be looking at anybody else if I'm perfect (as he likes to say) for him? And on top of all this, it really doesn't help that almost ALL of his friends who are girls, hit on him! IN FRONT OF ME! And he is saying that my jealous y is hurting him. one of the girls kissed his cheek, and I don't even know who she was, but he said that was a really close friend of his and that I should calm down because she kisses everybody... But I said that if she didn't give somebody else a kiss, (We were meeting her at a friends party), That she was not allowed to kiss him. He flipped on me saying how I was being TOO jealous, and that I was being unfair about everything. When we try to talk about this problem he says that he is too scared to look at anything because he doesn't wanna make me mad, but when he thinks I'm not looking I see him look, smile, and even flirt with other women. Some he knows, and others that come up to him. His parents tell me that they would kick his ass if he ever did cheat on me, or left me for anybody else, and I know he would never leave me..... But... Why does it affect me so much to the point of actually thinking of hurting myself when I see him look at other women, or porn? Why do I hate myself now, when I didn't before? What's wrong with me, and how do I fix this??

>> Why does it affect me so much to the point of actually thinking of hurting myself when I see him look at other women, or porn? Why do I hate myself now, when I didn't before? What's wrong with me, and how do I fix this??

Given the timing, I would venture a guess that it's because you're approaching the date when you will promise him "for better or for worse" and you already see the worse.

And I would guess it's not yourself that you hate but your complete lack of control on an issue that matters a lot to you. Many of us marry believing that it will make our relationship easier or better. In a way, it does. But it's not the way we imagine. It closes most of the exits. It forces us to deal with our differences. And it usually exposes more differences than the ones we know about beforehand.

You are marrying a man for whom flirting, kissing, and looking at female bodies and images of female bodies are very important. They are important enough to him that he cannot and will not protect you from the pain you feel over these acts.

Most of us have deal-breaker issues like his, things that matter more to us than our marriage, a form of "worse" that's more than we intend when we promise to tolerate "worse." They are the things we're going to do no matter what, even if it hurts our spouse. For example, "I'm going to punish any man over the age of 21 who even attempts to have a sexual relationship with my daughter, even if it's my husband." Or "I am going to complete my education no matter what, even if it horrifies my husband." Or "I'm going to be me, a man who revels in the female form and sexual innuendo and flirting, even if it horrifies my wife."

Since you've not mentioned looking, moving, or acting like a porn star, my guess is that his taste in real-life relationships is different from his taste in sexual fantasies. So perhaps you can get over your fear of being abandoned for not being a porn star with the same treatment used to cure phobias (one of the most successful of all forms of therapy). But why? Unless you enjoy porn and flirting, too, it's likely to negatively affect both your sex life and your social life. Men who view a lot of porn tend to suffer more from erectile dysfunction. And men who flirt and kiss other women at social gatherings generally leave their women to fend for themselves socially.

That's an awful lot to deal with. And if you're the sort who thinks of hurting herself when life gets emotionally painful, you don't yet have the coping skills needed to deal with it. (For a good, quick read to get you started on them, try How to Make Yourself Happy and Remarkably Less Disturbable by Albert Ellis. After that one, The Resilience Factor by Reivich and Shatte. You can get used copies from Amazon for next to nothing.)

I really hope you'll postpone or call off the wedding to give yourself time to decide whether you actually want to love a man who needs the fantasy of being wanted sexually by lots of other women as well as wanting your love and respect. He seems to have made his deal-breaker pretty clear before the wedding. It's not likely to be negotiable after.


I found this site by accident but I want to offer a glimmer of encouragement to wives of men who use porn. My husband and I have been married a bit over a year. It's my 2nd marriage and his first. He was a bachelor a long ling time and fell into porn use after a traumatic relationship that ended badly. Porn was easier than real life ups and downs with a flesh and blood woman. Fast forward 25 years to our marriage. I knew he used it but we actually both figured it would stop once we married. He wouldn't need it! Wrong. He wanted to quit and I love him enough to want to help him. Has it offended me when he's slipped up? You bet, but he's always willing to discuss it with me and I make sure to approach it non judgmentally. Even though it's HIS bad habit from decades of being alone I told him the marriage is now OURS and that makes this problem OURS to solve. To that end, he let me install filters on his phone and tablet - we share a computer and he rarely uses it. I have control of the filters and can check his history at any time. I told him these things would be tools to remove temptation as much as possible. Taking control where WE can. He told me after we did this he felt relieved and wanted to do whatever to preserve our marriage. When I have doubts or insecurities I tell him and ask him to hear me out. In exchange I don't fly off the handle if he slips up. Facebook was our last hurdle and the way to make it less appealing for erotica or modeling sites? Have one account with both names on it, one shared password, and full access because of that to search history. If he searches it, he knows I'll know it and will want to talk about it. He says he feels like he's being held to a higher standard now and becoming a better man. I love unconditionally and empathize more now that I see it is a daily and perhaps lifelong struggle. I refuse to let porn win and have told him so! He agrees to keep fighting. So ladies, install filters, share accounts, put on keystroke logs if you must. This is NOT about trust, it's about reclaiming and protecting our marriages from a hungry pack of wolves that would devour us if we let them. Don't go down without a fight!

Thank you, MarWest, for sharing your story with us. Who knows how many couples it will help?

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Patty Newbold is a widow who got it right the second time...

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