I received a heartbreaking comment today.

One of my hearts greatest desires is to have a child one day. My husband is the only one that can give this to me. But he never wants to have any children... at all... ever! I have been waiting 7 years for him to change his mind.. with absolutely no change and no sign of hope for the future.

It's not all that uncommon a situation. But how do you enjoy being married to someone denying you your greatest desire? What happens to a marriage stuck in deadlock like this for seven years? It's not fair to him or to her.

This is where Third Alternatives can make a huge difference. It's so hard to see that there could be any other alternatives besides have kids and don't have kids. But this is true of almost all disagreements. We cannot see that there might be other alternatives. And we cannot see it because of the way we have framed the choices.

It is our words that get in the way. We say what we want instead of what we hope it will bring us. Our ability to find a Third Alternative depends on knowing what we hope it will bring us and what we fear it will bring us. And these are hidden in the words we use to describe what we want.

If we brought the woman whose greatest desire is to have a child an unruly twelve-year-old orphan to care for, would she feel fulfilled? Some would. Others definitely would not. "Have a child" means different things to them.

Some women would feel their desire met if they carried a child to term and got to care for it for a year before illness or accident ended its life. For others, this would be worse than having no children.

For some, adopting a child who is cared for by a nanny while they pursue a busy career qualifies. For others, having a child means natural childbirth and being an at-home mom who prepares three meals a day and stays actively involved in every aspect of the child's life.

What about shared custody of a child? Some consider this parenting. Others consider it a miserable circumstance forced upon them by the courts. But being a nanny or a foster parent or a very involved aunt or Big Sister can turn out a lot like shared custody and meet some women's "have a child" needs just fine.

So can working in a facility where you serve as several children's parent for 8 hours a day and spend the other 16 with your spouse.

For those who do not want a child, there are also many variations in what would qualify. Some do not want the financial responsibility but might accept foster parenting or being a parent with a woman who makes plenty of money.

Some fear being a child's role model. Trying out that role as an uncle or a Big Brother may reduce that fear. So might having an older father as a mentor, and there are plenty of dads who would love to be one.

Some do not like living with young children but would be fine with adopting an older child. Some do not ever want to see their wife pregnant but might consider a long-distance relationship for five months.

Some expect tasks they don't care for, like diaper changing or playing catch or sitting through soccer games. Check around at your local college. There may be many young men or women who would be pleased to work for your family taking care of these tasks, perhaps even in exchange for home-cooked meals instead of the college meal plan.

Men may shy away from children out of a belief that their sex life will suffer or their freedom to travel will be diminished. Be creative in resolving them, even if it means an overnight sitter once a week.

One man I heard of avoiding having children out of fear of being responsible for raising them in the event of his wife's death. Solving this one what-if scenario was the only obstacle to having children. It might require building stronger friendships or making more money before having them, but there is, indeed, a Third Alternative for such couples.

And one more. If your marriage is plagued by such a disagreement, it's possible that having children raises the fear of child support obligations after a divorce. The disagreement itself fuels the fear of divorce. Put it to rest and lean into the marriage, and you might find yourselves in agreement about having children.

A Third Alternative gives each of you what you sought from your first alternative (or better). Finding one starts by offering to meet your spouse's need if you can change the way of meeting it. This frees you to discuss the aspects of having a child or children you desire and the ones that frighten you.

Until you offer to do your best to provide these, you cannot have an honest discussion, because you will both still be working toward your initial alternative of children or no children. You will not see the Third Alternative until you know what each of you honestly wants.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 2:34 PM | Permalink | Comments (7)

Want to be the best sort of dad? Show your children how to feel and express their gratitude on this special day. Gratitude is the one proven way to exceed their happiness set-point. And pointing out their mother's best points is a sure way to increase their security in this world and their ability to find love as adults. Be an enthusiastic supporter of your wife or ex-wife today and every day, no matter what issues you might have with her less than stellar points.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 5:16 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

I received a wonderful question today by email. It came from a woman engaged to be married to a man who (surprise, surprise!) does not do things the same way she does. She wants to know how to develop more trust in him.

One of the things that makes it difficult to trust him is that, as she puts it, "[I] know things should be done a certain way to get them done correctly." Ah, don't we all?

Our definition of "correctly" is one of our most gigantic impediments to knowing we are loved, respected, and cared for.

Is dinner made correctly when it has a particular number of calories and ratio of fat to fiber or when the person making it feels great serving it to his or her beloved? Is it made correctly when the process follows all the steps some teacher prescribed or when it leaves time for reading to the kids or making love to your spouse?

Is the oil changed correctly when you cannot see the oil on the dipstick except in bright light? Or is it changed correctly when you get fresh oil plus a free safety inspection and don't need to spend an entire Saturday on it, so you get more together time?

Is the vacuuming done correctly when it includes moving every piece of furniture to vacuum under it or if it's done quickly, as an act of service for a loved one with allergies who is out of the house for a few minutes or to leave time to shop for a special gift?

While you tap your toe, impatiently waiting for your life partner to adopt your standards instead of noticing how his or her standards make your life better in some other way, you miss out on love.

If you have high standards you cannot or will not relax, by all means include them in a discussion of a Third Alternative to the ways you two approach a task. But you don't need to trust that your partner will always meet those standards. It's not likely to happen. Your expectation that it will is premeditated resentment.

The thing you need to learn to trust your partner will do is love you. That's a lot easier when you grow aware of the ways he or she shows love that have nothing at all to do with what you think you know about the certain way things should be done.

Today would have been the 39th anniversary of my first marriage. By the time our 13th anniversary rolled around, I was still tapping my toe and thinking it was his fault I was so unsure of his love. Three months later, I finally understood I was too sure of how things ought to be done. Unfortunately, I discovered this only because I had to do them all myself after his completely unexpected death. You have a chance to reap the benefits if you stop expecting your certain way and expect love instead.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 12:26 AM | Permalink | Comments (4)

Ever agree to let your spouse handle a purchase or take care of problem? And did you find yourself backseat driving? I am a huge backseat driver. I have a lot of trouble trusting my husband will get the job done, especially if his approach is not the one I would take. And it almost never is.

We send such an awful message when we drop hints and ask for progress reports. We convey, "I don't trust you or your approach." We reveal, "This is an assignment, not a favor, not a chance to be my hero, not a chance to reduce my load of responsibilities, just something you can screw up if you don't do an adequate job."

His approach is not my approach because we have different strengths. His schedule is not my schedule because mine is imaginary and his is real. If it all goes horribly wrong, he will find a way to make it right. I am sure I will help if it does go wrong, but not because I am required to, just because I love him.

So once again, I am reminded to Expect Love. To expect he will screw up won't bring me any love. To expect he will complete the task on my schedule and to my satisfaction is to premeditate resenting him. I will expect he will love me. And because he loves me, he will do the best he is capable of doing in the time available and with the resources available.

His best won't look a lot like my best. It will be wonderful in different ways from my best. If I focus on what I do well instead of what he does well, I will deny myself the joy of being cared for. I will expect love, rather than any particular outcome. I will contribute whatever I contribute out of love, not duty and certainly not self-righteousness.

I will do it because I have seen the joy of expecting love and the soul-numbing deadliness of marriage as a barter bank.

I will do it because a man respected and trusted works ten times harder. I will do it because I want to end my days with hugs and kisses, not anger or dismay. I will do it because resentment tastes awful and love tastes so fine. If I want to do something better than my husband, receiving love is a much, much better choice than any household project.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 4:20 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

I use Twitter a lot. Because I use it to reach out to strangers looking to enjoy being married, I track the numbers on any tweet with a link in it. I use bitly.com to let me know every time anyone clicks on a link in my tweets. These show up in a list of tweets, clicks, and clicks on other folks' links to the same blog post or useful resource.

Over time, I have learned to speak the language of Twitter, to say things not the way I would want to hear them but the way others pay attention.

I cannot say to all those people, "We need to talk." I cannot say, "You never listen." These sound too much like, "Bad dog!" and they get me less attention, not more.

There is no Bitly for marriages, but I try to do my own counts. If you want to do this, too, just pay attention to how you ask for help, express your preferences, or share information. Then keep mental note of which ones work better with the person you are committed to spending your life with.

Do you get more smiles, more kisses, more help when you start a request with "While you are out, do you think you could..." or with "I need more ____; will you be able to get some for me while you're out?" or "We need more ____; get some if you can while you're out."

Do your attempts to initiate sex work best when they start with a compliment, a fond memory, a racy fantasy, or a command?

You won't find the answers in any book, because you did not marry the average guy or gal. The only answers that matter are the ones about this one man or woman. And it's easy to change the way you open conversations when you can see for yourself what works best right there in your own marriage.

By the way, the one word guaranteed to increase the attention folks on Twitter pay to my words is "Wow!" But it works only when I use it sparingly. Leave me a comment if it got your attention today.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:23 AM | Permalink | Comments (6)