I would pick up those things from the pharmacy, but I can't, because I get home after the pharmacy closes.

That was my version of the truth in the last two months of my first marriage. We needed them, at least once a week. I believed my long commute and frequent late hours meant my husband should pick them up. He didn't. I felt put-upon when I did without and had to up early and waited in the long lines on Saturday mornings. Resentment grew. Our relationship withered.

After he died and I became a single mom, I discovered other ways to solve the problem. Move the prescriptions to a pharmacy near where I ate lunch or to one that delivers. Leave early when necessary and let go of my devoted worker image. Dump the commute by promising to change employers if we did not move our field office closer to my (and my employees') homes.

What I thought was a fact turned out to be a choice. My annoyance at my husband was of my own making. I never even checked in with him to find out what he believed he was capable of. I just expected he would do it because I believed I could not.

I would clean up the dog's vomit, but I can't do it without adding more of my own.

It's one thing if your spouse volunteers to take on a task for you and feels loving and appreciated while doing it. It's quite another if your spouse feels stuck with it just because you cannot come up with a way to mask the smell or get it off the sofa without feeling the slime or looking at the bits and pieces.

Expectations, other than the one you were promised--that you will be loved, are premeditated resentments.

I would go with you to your sister's wedding (or your Aunt Jo's Fourth of July barbecue), but I can't because I am expected to work in my family's business that day.

It's awful when we fall for our own stories, because if we cannot see the choices we make, we cannot feel the pain our spouses feel when we don't choose them or what matters to them.

We expect them to understand. And they usually do, when we really have no choice. But one of the blessings of marriage is having a partner who sees right through our self-defeating beliefs. So we hurt them when we lie to ourselves.

I will fix the leaky toilet, but I can't do it this weekend.

Sometimes will is worse than would. You put your name on a chore and then postpone it week after week. You choose the appreciation you get for assuming the chore, and you dissuade your spouse from doing anything to prevent his or her resentment when it's still leaky a month later.

Resentment is a marriage killer, and it grows from unmet expectations.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 8:30 AM | Permalink | Comments (2)

I have been writing up a storm in response to questions posted recently on an April 2012 blog post of mine: One Last Stand Before Divorce. I hope you will pay a visit if you're wondering about "I love you" vs. "I am in love with you." Also if you are separated and hoping to get back together again or on the verge of separating.

It's next to impossible to feel "in love" with someone you resent. But if you love them, it's well worth working on the resentments and on micro-moments of positivity resonance.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:18 PM | Permalink | Add a Comment

Alcohol relaxes us. This can be a great thing for your marriage if you're anxious about something that might go badly at work tomorrow. You'll be more ready for quality time together or some much needed physical touch.

If it relaxes you so much that you forget to pick up your spouse at the airport, it can make a mess of things.

Alcohol also reduces our inhibitions. This is wonderful when it lets you get naked with your beloved. Or when it lets you dance in public with a life partner who loves to dance.

But when it reduces your inhibitions about using your intimate knowledge of a partner's vulnerabilities to get what you want through cruel words, it shuts off future intimacy.

And when it affects your inhibitions about hurling the TV across the room in anger at the man or woman you promised to love and cherish, it permanently harms your relationship even if the TV misses, even if the anger is warranted.

Should it lower your inhibitions about raping or hurting your partner when he or she refuses sex, you introduce terror into your relationship, terror that will return every time you initiate sex or have a drink to relax yourself.

When you take a drink again after such an event, knowing it lowers your inhibitions enough to do any of these things to someone you love, you automatically qualify as an alcoholic, an alcohol addict. It is irrelevant what you drink or how much you drink. This awful disease has its grip on you.

Alcoholism is called a disease because it follows a predictable path of harming your body and your relationships. For most people, the only way to stop it is to stop drinking and build a support system to get you through all the good and bad situations that trigger your taking a drink.

If you want to enjoy being married, please seek help as soon as you cross this line of unhealthy lowered inhibitions. No apology, no explanation, no excuse will fix your marriage or protect your wellbeing until you do. Please see a doctor, see a counselor, join AA, or do all three right away.

If you are married to someone who has crossed this line, please understand that you cannot make this decision for them, and their inhibitions are not coming back until they make it. You must protect yourself to protect the relationship and your spouse from this disease. Don't take on the role of therapist. Don't take on the role of reputation-protector or secret-keeper. Take on the role of body guard and get yourself to safety. Whether or not you forgive your mate. Al-Anon offers help from others who have been through this.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 9:32 PM | Permalink | Comments (4)

I received this note recently from a reader of this blog. She gave me permission to share it with you.

The income from their small start-up business has taken a dip recently. They are blowing through savings faster than they would like, and things get rather tense at times for them, as they do for many of us.

Another great 'assume love' story....for mother's day my husband bought me a couple of big fluffy blue towels...I was pretty embarrassed opening them in front of my folks...and kinda quietly 'fuming' on the way home.

But then I thought of the 'assume love patty magic', and in my sweetest voice I said, "Honey, that was so sweet of you to get me those nice towels..."

He reaches over and says, "I want you to have the very best. I'm really trying to provide great things for you."

Sigh.

What can I say, thanks again!

There is a very good chance your spouse also tries hard to show you how much you are loved--even when you accidentally interpret this as embarrassing. You can assume your amygdala knows best, or you can assume love and do a double-check before you ruin a great gift.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 2:38 PM | Permalink | Comments (3)

Barbara Sher, author of I Could Do Anything If I Only Knew What It Was and several other wonderful books, says this frequently.

Praise makes us brave.

Want to nudge your partner to tackle a big project or make a challenging change? Praise gives a much bigger nudge than criticism does.

Oh, how I have to remind myself of this, often in mid-criticism. I give myself a pat on the back for remembering and changing course.

Want your partner to praise you more and criticize you less? Ask for it. Avoid implying your mate ought to fix a deficiency. Instead, praise some of the other ways he or she has met your needs and lifted you up. People who don't normally praise probably don't feel comfortable dishing it out. It will take a stretch for your mate. But praise makes us brave.

Posted by Patty Newbold at 11:42 PM | Permalink | Comments (6)